In-Home Respite Care

I am in the same situation as you, but my DH will not even let my sister stay with him (although she does not have a flexible work schedule, so most times that’s not even an option). I am also a caregiver to my mother, and I have to visit and spend time with her and take her to Dr appointment since she no longer drives. I finally just contacted an agency and hired somebody for 2 afternoons a week. I am now on my 5th agency and countless aides later. They usually last a few weeks. Some I have let go myself because either (a) they’re fair at best and I hope I can do better, or (b) he balks and doesn’t want them back. Others leave on their own due to long commute times (for whatever reason, most help is coming from an hour away). Regardless, the first day anybody starts, I stay home the entire time to ensure they have some semblance of knowledge re: dementia, elderly caregiving, etc. The agencies will basically send anybody that breathes, so although I ask a lot of questions re: background, etc., vetting these aides is really important to me. I want to see how they interact with DH and more importantly, how he responds to them. The 2nd day, I try to leave for just an hour or two, then the 3rd time they visit, I leave for the afternoon. I explain to him that Mom has a Dr appointment (or I come up with another viable fiblet), and I just go. He sometimes gets angry or sad, and he definitely makes me feel guilty about leaving him behind (which is killing me). But as others have said, I need to put my mask on first. Although it’s not a relaxing respite dealing with my mom’s issues, at least it gives me a little break from him. And now, after 7 months of searching, I think we finally have a winner. Our latest helper lives close by, he looks forward to her visits and she is great with him. Fingers crossed that this one will last!

I told my DH that I needed help and I needed someone there so I could go to my doctor appointments. The first time she came I stayed home. The second time I left for 4 hours. After her 3rd visit he would ask if “My lady” was coming that day.

sadly M1 you are probably right.

PWDs cannot "appreciate" anything.

Iris

Laney, if you could arrange for your helper before he comes home, and have her there when he gets home, as if she is an extension of the hospital process? Maybe she would just be “the new normal”?

encouraging. Our attempts at expanding care giver assistance, continually run into her persistent desire to go home. We have some one MWF 1:00-3:00. LO usually doesn't get up til 11:00or so. Quite often they have to wait for us to arrive from a trip. Or she is persistent even going as far as going out and sitting in the car. Right now "my" time around here is from when I get up until she gets up. Motion sensors will alert me when she is up. But I would so like to turn the reins over to some one else so I can leave for a few hours. Family is a great help. But they have jobs.
onward!

DW was adamant that she didn’t want anyone to come to be with her when I first tried bring in an aide. A one point I needed to go into the hospital for surgery so I told her my doctor required someone come to help me recover and since the aide was coming to help me she was fine with that. The agency and aide was aware that I was using this story to get help with DW and played along. After the aide was here for a few weeks they bonded and she look forward to her coming and the aide was with us for 4+ years until placement. Maybe tried to think up a fiblet on why you need someone to come to help you and she if she will accept the aide being there to assist you.