alz...the disease that is full of surprises
DH, diagnosed in June with ES. I've done enough reading that I really shouldn't be surprised by anything but…He has had short term memory loss for a number of years but when I finally woke to the fact of his misuse of words was beyond normal, we got him checked. ES is supposed to have short term memory loss. I get it. But, last night he brought up a story that involved his college days and his military days. Forgot how many years of college he had before the Army got him. Then, he asked our son if he remembered when our son drove up to Fort Chaffee with his dad to pick him up from basic. Son, was so sweet, and just gently said, that he wasn't born yet. I felt the tears well up in my eyes, and as I relate this story, there they are again. I thought I was prepared for this, but I am not. This change is too soon.
Obviously, he has or is developing amnesia, something that I did not expect to see until much later. What I wonder about is this inability to recognize when he made a memory mistake or has forgotten. There is no "Oh, right, I forgot about that " or "I guess I got mixed up". He just goes right on as if he hadn't heard a remark such as I wasn't born yet.
If I have a question at all, is do we gently correct him or remind him or say nothing and let the story be what he makes it to be?
Comments
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Hi Maru,
I am also in the beginning stages of caregiving for my DH. He started asking the same question and would forget things, so I finally got him in for an assessment. Spinal tap did not go well so he had an MRI with contrast, bingo. Alzheimers, ES. He covered well for some time...
I keep a paper calendar updated so he knows what I'm doing that day.
I've learned a few things already. Arguing/correcting is useless, they just get mad. DH swore the dog ate three bowls of food yesterday. It really was only two. He repeats himself constantly. When we finally got the diagnosis, that made sense. I just let him do it and scream inside, silently. He also does not remember some events in the past and remembers others with clarity. I will need to start getting out the photos to help him if he wants it. It's really hard to keep from correcting. He's still pretty functional so sometimes I can't tell if it's broken brain" (his words), or if he's just bumbling something. He gets mad at me if I try to help put the dishes in the right spots. That is one of the things he doesn't do well, and another early symptom. So now I just go back and rearrange when he's not there. It's helped.
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This is classic confabulation. Somehow his brain is ‘remembering’ false info. No use correcting. “I wasn’t born yet’ should be ‘really? uh huh, yes, interesting’ especially if correcting causes conflict.
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Hi Maru. I think it’s best to just let him tell the stories that he has in his mind without correcting him. My DH has so many stories about going to Dolly Parton’s house (which of course never happened). The story gets longer and longer … he describes her house and she always tells him to come back anytime. I say a lot of … wow, that had to be fun … what a nice memory to have. He has so much fun telling me about it. I never correct him during these stories.
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so sorry about his diagnosis and confabulations. Correcting or reminding him will do no good. You can’t reason with someone whose “reasoner” is broken. To him, it’s reality. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Have all family members read it so they understand the disease.
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this may help
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The thing that gets me is most of the timee DH is just fine so it is like a shock to me when he gets things so wrong. It really feels like I'm in the old movie Gaslight.
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I probably need to re-read it.
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That is very helpful. I think I will send it out to the family. Thank you.
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My mom would spin incredible stories from the past, full of mixed up details and plots from tv and names I recognized from her Christmas card list. Much of the time she thought I was her sister and she'd ask if I remembered whatever it was, and I'd say "sure, I remember some of it, what do you remember?" and she'd launch into her story. From the perspective of time, I think a lot of it is just wanting connection - there wasn't much new entering into her brain at that point, so she would sit there and try to find memories to entertain herself and when she had visitors, those were the stories that rose to the surface, and they felt important to her.
My partner is different - her memory loss is both past and present, so there's a small sweet spot in the middle where she remembers she was a nurse and remembers certain stories, but the details become fewer and the stories turn into one-liners. She remembers which sport she did with her horse but recently couldn't remember actually doing it, and her last competition was 10 years ago. Was surprised to see her initials on the bottom of a piece of pottery from 2016, when she was taking art classes a couple times/week. I think this is so much harder for both of us because it's as if her life has disappeared, and our shared history is almost gone, and even the events of the day evaporate really quickly. I am learning to try to live in the moment, and it's HARD.
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Such a familiar list! You are describing my daily life with DH. Some days I am a Teepa Snow style caregiver. Other days I am an abject failure but each day I give all I have to give.
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Your' story is so full of love. Thank you for sharing it. If I can figure out a way to earmark it, I will. I think that it will encourage me along the way. It is just so sad, so very very sad to watch this man that I have 65 years of shared memories slowly melt away.
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I would start correcting my husband when he was in the early stages. I knew that was more for my benefit than his because I was not accepting his alzheimer at the time. I soon let that go but I think it takes us time to adjust to it and we learn as we go. I think it was my way of trying to fix the unfixable
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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