When do you take the keys?

JeanneG · September 27

mom is in the early stages. She loses her phone and is surprised that all she needs is her pocket book to start the car (keyless ignition and “key” in her purse). She does drive to the same three places all the time and the doctor said she passed “that part” of the cognitive test. Given that she came to my house the other day from lunch and didn’t know where she ate, who she had lunch with, what she ate, and couldn’t find the doggie bag she did remember she had, I don’t know if she should be driving. I have my son borrowing her car as often as possible though she is starting to say no even when she has no where to go. I have her friends bringing her to cards twice a week. How do you know when the time is right?

terei · September 27

IMO, from what you are describing, it’s time. You might want to consider disabling the car

JeanneG · September 27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224060#Comment_224060

I can’t disable the car since my son uses it. Why am I so afraid to do this? How do you even have the conversation?

psg712 · September 27

Does the doctor say she should still drive?? If he/she doesn't want to take on the discussion, perhaps he can refer her for an occupational therapy driving evaluation. They look at many physical abilities in coordination with the mental abilities that are required for safe driving:and make a recommendation. Your DMV may also have an evaluation.

Your mom probably doesn't perceive her deficits or the danger. When I tried to reason with my mom about forwarding her mail, she truly did not remember the scams she had fallen for and the money she had "paid". My explanation made no sense to her. Thankfully when it came to driving, her doctor stepped up and told her to stop. I had to listen to her bad-mouthing him for a while, but she complied. She was mad at me again when I sold the car but happy that she got money!

JeanneG · September 27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224071#Comment_224071

I had wanted the doctor to tell her but he said she could still drive. He said to drive with her once a month and make the decision. Maybe I should bring her to her GP and have the GP tell her?

M1 · September 27

welcome to the forum Jeanne. Like so many things here: if you’re even asking the question, that means it’s time. Some docs are no help on this. Check your state’s website, some allow anonymous reporting of an unfit driver to the DMV.
Is there another car your son could use, or some place other than your house where he could keep it? Disappearing the car is sometimes the best solution. Maybe he could conveniently “wreck it” and it could be in for repairs? I’m brainstorming here, but when it comes to driving, better safe than sorry. It doesn’t matter that she only drives three places, she could hit a child at any of them.

H1235 · September 28

Mom had a granddaughter that borrowed her car. She is not a good person and just never gave the car back. Mom talked about buying a new car but we did not cooperate by taking her to a dealership. I looked in to reporting her to the dmv but in my state it asked for concrete examples of why she should not be driving( scratches on car, prior accidents, she had not been diagnosed yet, etc). Around this time the pcp suggested an occupational therapy driving evaluation. Before the driving evaluation she was seen by a neurologist who said she should not drive period. She was not happy, but reluctantly agreed. If you tell her she should not drive I would expect a big argument. There will probably never come a time when she will understand why she can’t drive. As others have suggested a fib about the car going in for repairs is another option. The story will need to be repeated often and probably altered on occasion. I believe in taking the car away before it is no longer safe. Someone here said that there can be problems with insurance coverage if she drives after being diagnosed with dementia. Nothing about this is easy! I hope you can find a solution that works. As a side note, if she has not seen a elder law attorney, now is the time.

fesk · September 28

You know your mother best. I agree it sounds as if she shouldn't be driving. Yes, a good way to tell is driving with the person but once a month is not enough.

We stopped my mother from driving in the early stages. We simply told her it was no longer safe, we didn't want her or anyone else to get hurt and we would make sure she could get anywhere she wanted by other means. She accepted it. I guess we were lucky.

JeanneG · September 28

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224079#Comment_224079

I wish but we literally live within a one minute walk from my mom’s house and she is over here a lot. She would see the car. I drove with her today and she was fine. She just forgot every two minutes where I had told her to turn. So she is “fine” getting to places that are normal for her to go to like her friend’s house and her club, but if I say, “go down towards the YMCA and turn right” five minutes before, she can’t remember the directions.

1359Pond · September 28

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70769/when-do-you-take-the-keys

I think you just have to trust your gut. If you are wondering and worrying about her driving, then it might be time. All of this sucks! Watching them lose freedom after freedom. Nothing is kind about this disease.

JeanneG · September 28

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224099#Comment_224099

you are definitely lucky. Mom has a stubborn streak and I know this will be a battle. But I know it needs to be done.

lmorton304 · October 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224071#Comment_224071

We had the same question. My father’s PCP had him evaluated by rehabilitation specialists for cognitive impairment and a road test. He was able to pass the assessments. They did suggest restrictions - no night driving, no inclement weather, no highway, and only to familiar destinations. My brother and I will pick him up when we have family events and I go to my father’s house once a week and we spend the day with each other to go shopping. We both live 45-60 minutes from my father’s house. It seems that he is less likely to go driving on his own. I would suggest putting a tracking device in the car. Our father’s PCP a suggested this. It is comforting to know where he is when he goes out.

When do you take the keys?

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories