He wants to see my list

I would not. What purpose would it serve in the short or long term?

Make a fake list saying nice things about him and give him that

I agree with the fake list saying nice things about him.

…and double-check with the nurse that the physician has, in fact, at least scanned the notes before the appointment. We are less than a year into my DH’s Dx, and I spend a fair amount of time following up with providers to be sure they have additional necessary information besides my sweet guy’s bright smile and “I’m fine!” response to every single question. I believe I have never had to advocate so adamantly and so regularly for anything as I do in this season of our lives, for him.

As others posted, do not give him the list. Keep the list to share with his doctors at least monthly or if a new concerning behavior surfaces like agitation which can be treated with medications. I would not have talked about the list or had "the talk" with him either but you had no way to know how he would react. That's what this forum is for. For info & support. Learn all you can about the disease. Communicate with his doctor to get him tested. Don't say the words memory loss, dementia or Alzheimer's. Tell the doctor to say it's just part of his annual physical & another test his insurance company wants or something like that. Fibs are your friend. To get the DPOA, make the appointment with an attorney and tell him you are BOTH getting them in case something happens to either one of you and get both done. Don't name him of course but let the attorney know you want to discuss yours in private. Have the attorney say he needs to talk to you in private before you sign yours. When you get the referrals, don't talk about their specialty, just say his doctor wants these tests. Talk to the specialists about talking in front of him. They should know that but sometimes they don't. My husband's Neurologist talked about brain white matter and kept her voice neutral so my husband never understood. When the doctors prescribed new medications, I told my husband they were pills to help his brain like vitamins which he was already taking. Many of us have been where you are.

hi crsandy. I don’t know if you were trying to convince your DH that he has dementia, or explain/justify the move to memory care- but sadly, both are futile. You don’t do either. When it comes to the move to MC, you just do it with no discussion ahead of time. That seems brutal to those of us with working brains, but it’s what works best for most families.

The good news here is that he will likely forget that you ever had this discussion so hopefully he will forget about any “list.”

You have come to a good place for advice and support. There’s lots of threads about both issues (whether to discuss dementia with your loved one, and making the move to MC) so if you read a bunch you can dig deeper. Keep us posted how it goes.

We have never “had the talk” nor will we. Dementia, changing behaviors, memory loss or anything else is taboo. My DH will bring up concerns about his memory, and I ALWAYS choose to make him feel better by letting him talk to me about how he feels. We often have the need to explain or justify something to a person who is no longer able to recognize their own failings. You got some great advice from everyone here. Good luck.

I think you've answered your own question. It's not his fault, but you can't argue with a PWD and he won't be able to follow your train of thought. He will react as you have described. It is so frustrating not to be able to explain to him. I keep fighting the urge to explain to DH but I know it is futile.

I'm not sure what is gained by "The Talk." My DH has had that talk a few times when his doctor has brought it up but he doesn't remember and is totally in denial (anasognosia - what a cruel condition in a cruel disease). I don't bring it up beause if I even use the word he gets very angry which doesn't accomplish anything. )