Wow, I underestimated the loneliness

Jeanne for a while I kept a list called today's tasks. There might just be one thing, but somehow recording that one thing helped.

I so understand this! I had never lived alone either and after 46 years of marriage, this was a stunning and very sad change. As soon as the relief of not being on high alert 24/7 arrived, it made a path for the grief to come barreling into my life. The first time I took out one plate for dinner was the gut punch for me - realizing that this wasn't a one time thing but a forever thing. I realized I was not part of a couple any more. As an ALZ spouse, when we place our LOs, we suddenly become "widows", but without the outpouring of sympathy and support those who lose their spouses due to illness/death experience. Some call it anticipatory grief, but for me, the grieving when my DH was placed in MC has been the real deal. I know I will experience yet another level when he actually passes, but being alone and doing my daily life without my DH - even when he was so challenging and difficult and exhausting - creates an intense grief. Everything at home reminds me of him, the memories we shared and the fact that our beautiful story is over. I visit him as close to daily as possible, care for him dearly, but come home alone. It's been four months, and maybe is a little better, but still so hard.

I'm dreading the day I have to leave my DH; i've only just got him going 1/2 day to respite and I struggle not to burst into tears. Keeping exceptionally busy for me is best, anything mind numbing. I go to my daughters and clean her floors it stops me thinking. She said you don't have to do this Mum but I have found cleaning her floors is great, a bit pathetic perhaps but I feel like I am being useful, not quite washed up! Not the same staying at home and doing my floors, I don't have any interest in that.

Like all of you, I am feeling so lonely and lost now that my DH is in memory care. I see him every day, but every time I come back to my apartment by myself I feel the pain of loss. I find I can read by myself, but watching TV alone is just so sad. It's only been a month, and I know it will get better, but right now the grief can be overwhelming. I second-guess my decision to place him, and then I remember how exhausted I was when he was here. He is actually doing pretty well over there, so I try to take comfort in that. I find it hard to accomplish very much, too, but I am giving myself some grace. This is a long, hard road, and we are not to the end yet. I hope to still make some happy memories with him. Hugs to all of us!!!

Thanks for this thread, @Jeanne C. I honestly thought maybe I was alone with some of these feelings, but can see that's not so. My DH has now been in MC about five months and I had no idea how lonely it would feel. It kinda shocked me, as prior to placement he was argumentative, aggressive and sometimes downright frightening. On top of that, we learned of some terrible things he was doing that he had hidden. That is, until we discovered contents of his laptop.

For the first few weeks, I was just luxuriating in feeling safe. Now, despite planned activities most of the week, I feel pretty lonely. Part of it is that I am new in this town (about 14 months now) and just beginning to develop a network, and part of it is living alone for the first time in over 45 years. As someone said, it's like being a widow without actually having a spouse die. I call this "death without the casseroles". No one (I think) realizes that despite all that has happened, we can't help grieving someone who was a part of our lives for so long. It's been a grab bag of emotions for quite a while.

I would recommend planning activities that you pay for (even a very small amount) and going to them whether you feel like it or not. Like other enemies of the good life, loneliness needs to be fought. YMMV

My DH went to MC on January 23rd and I still miss him so much and am so very lonely. I have only lived alone for a few brief months years ago in my late teens. I look at his empty recliner in the evenings and picture him there. Tears come easily and at unexpected times. I cry in grocery stores and sometimes at exercise class if they play a song that hits a nerve. I look forward to my visits with him to hug him and be hugged by him. Even then it's a poor substitute for having him here with me. I try to keep busy and do at least one productive thing a day. Friends help but in the evenings it hits me and the pain of the loneliness is deep and aching.

I have never lived alone either. I have to say that my DH isn't exactly great company these days. Even though we live together I am very much alone and feel isolated. Most days I believe I would be happier alone. There wouldn't be anyone yelling or swearing and I could come and go as I please. I need more sleep and I wouldn't mind having more time for various projects.

This is my first time posting and it is all so new to me. I attended my first support group this past week and even though my DH is not in long term yet, it seems I die everyday. He was such a strong man, competent in everything and now we can't even hold a conversation. I get so angry at this disease! I feel like I don't pay enough attention to him because I find the best way to cope is to do crafts that keep my mind busy. If I stay around him he either sleeps, plays games on his phone or talks about things we just talked about. I just feel horrible that I can't seem to sit long with him, but I know he is occupied too watching tv. Guess I am just venting.

Jeanne, you don't necessarily have to be there when his sisters visit. Maybe you want to be, but it would be okay to miss it. They'd have one less target....just a thought.

So glad it went well with the sisters. When my DH's three sisters came to visit in July - all from out of Washington State and one from Eastern Canada - two of them melted down and cried hysterically, then turned on the one who kept her composure and accused her of being uncaring! The MC said to please, not have them come again - it took days to calm him down after that disaster! They were all in town for one of my niece's college graduations, so won't all be here together again! Very glad your experience was much calmer. What a journey we are all on - so much to navigate from our own emotions, to those of our families, and then all the other things we are responsible for - all while dealing with the terrible loneliness and not having our "person" to talk it all over with. So grateful for all of you! Very grateful!

I am so grateful I finally stepped into this new world of friends. Days I think we are having a good day turns into sorrow and anger for what is truly gone now. I try to explain my feelings or stern talk to DH, because he gets angry with me not understanding and I absolutely want to find a hole to crawl in and when I emerge this will all be a bad dream. God I miss my loving husband!!!!😪