Facing the move to memory care

Buggytoo · November 2

I have made the decision to move my DH who has late stage Alzheimer's to a small residential memory care home. He will be moving on November 12. The physicality and relentless needs of his care have simply become too much for me to bear. I have no idea how to face this move or make it a lighter burden for either of us. Financially, it is devastating. Emotionally, it feels like my heart is being ground to a pulp. I keep waiting for a sign from God that I am doing the right thing - nothing comes.

M5M · November 2

Oh, Buggy, I am sure it is an awful feeling, we are not "there" yet but I can only imagine how exhausted you are. Do know that God loves you and your hubby, surely He will shepherd the process in His best time frame.

Try to remember this will be beneficial for you both. You are fortunate to have a residential home available, this is likely a very good choice. Prayers your days go smoothly.

Buggytoo · November 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/227248#Comment_227248

thank you for your kindness.

Aarron · November 2

I too have made up my mind to place DH in memory care after Christmas is over. It’s a heart wrenching decision but I know it will be better for him and me. He’s in late stage 6 and I’ve been his caregiver for 6 years. The only thing he can do for himself is feed himself. We are in our mid sixties now and sometimes I feel like I’m ninety. I’m tired of being tired and not having a life. I can’t live like this anymore. So buggytoo I’m right there with you.

easy23 · November 2

I placed my DH in MC at the beginning of September. I can tell you that the most stressful period was the time between when I signed the contract and the actual placement. I was worried about how I will get him in the door. It all worked out.

I still take care of my DH. I check on him almost every day and fix any problems that crop up. He only asks to go home on occasion, and it's not even the home we live in. He wants to go to the apartment from his youth.

Home is quiet, but when I think of the alternative, it gives me peace of mind to know that DH is in a safe place. I am so relieved I don't have to do the heavy lifting anymore.

Good luck!

ghphotog · November 2

I know how hard moving day is but it was the right thing to do. I didn't fully understand how empty and lonely the house feels and after 6mo it is still hard. I visit most every day and it really hasn't become much easier when it's time to leave. The staff are great. I'm sure some have grown impatient with my DW but I have been very impressed with how much dignity and care most show to all of the residents. My DW is a very difficult transfer from the wheel chair to the toilet and back and I have seen how professional and caring they are with her.

Buggytoo · November 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/227271#Comment_227271

thank you for the encouraging words.

Buggytoo · November 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/227289#Comment_227289

It is hard to imagine the next leg of the journey. Thank you for the glimpse of how it is working for you.

Biggles · November 3

I can’t bear this next phase and so appreciate hearing all the different but the same experiences. One thought that came to me is that God helps in mysterious ways, in a sinking ship a rescue boat may only pass once it’s your decision to get in or not. You are lucky to have a place for your DH, here they are few and far between. Hold tight, steer a straight and loving course and rest easy that you are making a loving decision.

Buggytoo · November 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/227262#Comment_227262

such a long and excruciating journey. I wish you ease with your transition.

Buggytoo · November 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/227347#Comment_227347

Your metaphor of the sinking ship is oh so wise. Thanks for sharing it. Maybe that is my sign from God.

harshedbuzz · November 3

The best thing that can be done for any PWD, is to preserve the health of their primary caregiver. After the move, you will have a team managing the hands-on things, but you will still be the person who keeps him safe in the world.

We found the time between signing the contract and moving day worse emotionally than we'd experienced so far. Moving day was as bad in comparison but I made sure mom didn't take him by herself or go home alone the first time.

HB

jeannemarie8 · November 3

Keep tabs on care at the Memory facility, especially on the weekends when staff is sparse. I learned much while my DH was there — how some aides have a knack for caregiving but some do not. Nurses and aides who only work in memory care is a good benefit. DH loved the attention and fellowship of others. Getting him out of the recliner at home was the main reason I decided to let him go there, so he could enjoy the socialization while he is still able. He hit an aide (she was not hurt) during a confused sundowning time and would not accept treatment for OT or PT when scheduled. So we are back home, but I really liked all the opportunities the memory care offered. Another path will open!

Take heart! I hope he will thrive there. God bless you.

SDianeL · November 4

you are doing the right thing for both of you. You will still be his caregiver just in a different capacity. You will ensure he gets great care. You will get some much needed rest. Caregiving is mentally & physically exhausting. Ask the facility to assist with the transition. When I had to place my DH they advised not to tell him. Just tell him we were going to lunch, then quietly leave without saying goodbye. It was easier on him. They also recommended that I not visit for 2 weeks to allow him to settle in. They would call and let me talk to him on the phone. I was undergoing treatment for breast cancer so I told him I couldn’t come for that reason. When he would ask if he could come home I would say when the doctors say so. Keep reminding yourself why you need to do this. I know how difficult it is. Hugs.

Facing the move to memory care

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