How to get over how mad dad was at me for moving him to ALF

TrumpetSwan · November 8

My dad passed away two months ago. It came four months after I moved him and my mother to an ALF. Mom has moderate dementia. Dad had COPD and late-stage CHF when I moved them. It was clear to me in the few months prior to the move that dad had become too unwell to care for himself or mom appropriately. I did not know he was four months away from death at that time.

He was reluctant to accept outside assistance from anyone. He became angry at the suggestion. I just was on "stand by" for the inevitable. I researched ALF's nearby. I saw their living conditions deteriorate to a point I did not think they were living safely at home. Looking back, I believe dad likely wanted to die at home, on his own terms. I also believe he also had dementia and was unaware of just how poor their conditions had become. Prior to that point, he always took pride in a well-maintained home and the contrast to what it had become was a red flag to me.

I still feel like I have to justify in my own mind why I moved them to an ALF. Dad repeatedly just told me "It is your turn next". It was as though he thought I was exerting a punishment upon him, and what I did was going to come back around to me. He repeatedly said he could not believe he lived "in one of these places". He repeated that "I was doing just fine until you moved me here with all these sick people."

I found out he also met with an attorney while at the ALF and had my name removed from his Will. He disinherited me. I had been his Executor too, but he changed all of that to his other daughter.

Two months after his death, his anger is still resonating. I cannot think of him without thinking of how deeply unhappy and angry he was at me.

So, what is the best you can do to move on from that?

Overall, I believe it is just something I will accept and live with. I accept I cannot change it, and could not have changed him. I sort of accept that I will not ever find peace from an aspect that was anything but peaceful. I can put it aside and let it sit in a corner and move on.

Quilting brings calm · November 8

Your dad was not capable of rational thought or of understanding logic. He was also no longer physically capable of maintaining a home or caring for your mom. You did what you had to do to keep both of them safe and well cared for. It was the best thing to do for them. He reacted as a child would. Now your mom is already established in the ALF and maybe you will be able to delay her move to an MC.

In terms of your dad’s will - I hope that all of his money actually went to your mom since she is still alive. If not, I hope your sister is ethical enough to apply her inheritance to your mom’s care. As for the executor, in the last 18 months I was the executor for our son’s estate, and then my my step-dad’s. although I’m a control freak and probably would have cringed if anyone else had done it —-it was very much a hassle and emotionally upsetting.

SusanB-dil · November 8

I agree with QBC -

also - you got it when you say "he also had dementia and was unaware of just how poor their conditions had become". There you go, he was unaware. I believe that the living condition wasn't the only thing he was oblivious to! Yes, he was angry, and took it out on you… but please know, that you know, that you did what was best for him, even though he didn't see it that way.

you aren't alone - my brother is sole executor and heir after mom goes. I've been out of their will for years. I look at it that, whatever they have isn't mine now, it won't be mine then.

H1235 · November 8

I had an elderly neighbor that was not well. His mind was sound, but physically he was not good. He wanted to pass in his own home. Hospice, family and friends helped when we could. I can understand this and even respect his decision. The situation is so much different with a person with dementia. He was not going to burn the house down because he forgot he had something on the stove, he knew he couldn’t mow the lawn and accepted that, he had no one else to care for and if he did he would have known he wasn’t capable. His home was keep clean, organized and free of tripping hazards. He knew better than to eat spoiled food. He accepted he was not able to go to the store and driving was not even considered. His passing was solely due to his terminal illness. If your father and mom were left in their home would his passing have been due to natural causes? Probably not. Would your mom even still be alive? Things could have been very very ugly. You prevented that. If you could have somehow talking to you dad when he was 25 years younger, don’t you think he would agree with your decision. If nothing else he would probably understand why you did what you did and know it was done out of love. You did the right thing.

Emily 123 · November 9

The disease makes it impossible for our loved ones to process emotions or information correctly. You absolutely made the right decision. Your dad couldn't take care of your mom, himself, or their home. You did the loving and respectful thing of trying to keep them safe and in good health. Don't beat yourself up for what the disease made him think. Look back in time to 'before', and know that THAT person will always love you and would never have thought ill of the decisions you made, decisions that had to be made to let them live with a bit of dignity.

midge333 · November 9

@TrumpetSwan: No good deed goes unpunished. Doing the right thing is often a thankless job. You took care of your mom & dad as best you could. You did the right thing. Be kind to yourself.

TrumpetSwan · November 10

Thank you everyone. Your comments give me validation and support that I never got from anyone else. It also helps bring this all to a close.

Right now my primary focus is on my peace and my health. My sister is not ethical enough to keep my parents' savings intact for mom's care. The DON at the ALF told me one week after my dad died - before he was even buried - that my sister and her husband wanted the doctor to declare my mother mentally incompetent. The doctor however refused because my mother's dementia is not that advanced. It sent warning flags to me that they are looking to gain control of her financials. I immediately called elder law attorneys, but dropped the pursuit after they advised cases like this could drag on for months or years and I do not want to be continually entangled with these aspects.

I have not been in direct contact with anyone in my family since my dad died, however it is hard when thoughts arise about suspicious behaviors I believe my sister and her husband showed. My sister's husband rarely visited our parents, but when they moved into the ALF he visited several times a week and was ordering staff around. I just do not believe there is an innocent motivation.

I believe if what I seek is peace, I must set this aside and "let go and let God".

Thanks for reading and for being here. Knowing that others believe I acted in ways that were best at the time does help bring closure to something that was quite difficult. Thanks.

forbarbara · November 11

oh TrumpetSwan, you have been so strong. Be as good and loving to yourself as you have to your parents.

TrumpetSwan · November 11

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/228123#Comment_228123

Thank you, FB. This statement is simple and beautiful and touches my heart and is something nobody else has ever said to me. Thanks.

SCSS · November 15

I'm wondering if your father was sufficiently competent to make those changes to his will. I’d consult an attorney to make sure Mom has the resources she is entitled to.

forbarbara · November 16

Trumpet Swan, how are you doing?

Ashelms1 · November 30

> @TrumpetSwan said:
> My dad passed away two months ago. It came four months after I moved him and my mother to an ALF. Mom has moderate dementia. Dad had COPD and late-stage CHF when I moved them. It was clear to me in the few months prior to the move that dad had become too unwell to care for himself or mom appropriately. I did not know he was four months away from death at that time.
> He was reluctant to accept outside assistance from anyone. He became angry at the suggestion. I just was on "stand by" for the inevitable. I researched ALF's nearby. I saw their living conditions deteriorate to a point I did not think they were living safely at home. Looking back, I believe dad likely wanted to die at home, on his own terms. I also believe he also had dementia and was unaware of just how poor their conditions had become. Prior to that point, he always took pride in a well-maintained home and the contrast to what it had become was a red flag to me.
> I still feel like I have to justify in my own mind why I moved them to an ALF. Dad repeatedly just told me "It is your turn next". It was as though he thought I was exerting a punishment upon him, and what I did was going to come back around to me. He repeatedly said he could not believe he lived "in one of these places". He repeated that "I was doing just fine until you moved me here with all these sick people."
> I found out he also met with an attorney while at the ALF and had my name removed from his Will. He disinherited me. I had been his Executor too, but he changed all of that to his other daughter.
> Two months after his death, his anger is still resonating. I cannot think of him without thinking of how deeply unhappy and angry he was at me.
> So, what is the best you can do to move on from that?
> Overall, I believe it is just something I will accept and live with. I accept I cannot change it, and could not have changed him. I sort of accept that I will not ever find peace from an aspect that was anything but peaceful. I can put it aside and let it sit in a corner and move on.

Don't let it bother you that he said that to you. They only want to be home. No matter where he would be he wouldn't like it. I'm dealing with the samething but she lives with me. She thinks she can live by herself which she can't. You did the right thing.

TrumpetSwan · December 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/228623#Comment_228623

Thank you for asking. It has been a couple weeks since I have been here, and I am comforted by those who have posted. You are the second person who has asked how I am since my dad died. Nobody else even mentions it to me as though it was just like I lost a favorite sweater or something. I am OK. I keep making adjustments each day. I think I am recovering from the trauma of seeing a loved one decline and the impact of the inevitable loss. I am letting go of the things I cannot change. I am letting go of the things I know will only cause me additional harm. I am living the serenity prayer each day. I know I am resilient. Sometimes, I am just tired though. I know I will eventually reach the place where I have steady calm and peace, and I inch closer to it each day. Thank you.

How to get over how mad dad was at me for moving him to ALF

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