How long does it take for a loved one to adjust to memory care
It has been 5 weeks since my DH was placed in memory care. Every time I go, he says things like, "when can I go home, I want to be with you, I want you to take care of me." I hate this. I say things like, "the doctor says you need to be here to feel better." It breaks my heart so much I don't want to go. I go home depressed. I keep hoping he will acclimate more, even forget who I am would be fine. It makes me feel so guilty but I know I can't bring him home.
Comments
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I’m so sorry this is happening to you! This is my biggest fear and why I haven’t yet placed DH (although I think the time is getting closer). Have you spoken to the staff at MC? How is he when you’re not there? Maybe you need to space your visits out a bit more for now?
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My DH has been in MC for 2 1/2 months and still talks about going home. I don't get too upset because he talked about going home even when he WAS home. I tell him that the house is being renovated so he has to stay where he is. The longer he's in MC the less he asks.
I think it's a good idea to ask the director at MC to see how he's doing when you're not there. He may be ok. Give it some time. Try to keep busy so you don't think about it too much.
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I’m sorry you are having struggles. This disease is relentless. I also feel so guilty and wished my DH could come home. I get sad and cry on the way home each day. My DH went to the hospital and straight to MC 10 weeks ago. He is in the middle now of stage 6 and continues to decline. I visit every day and he continues to talk about packing or coming home. He doesn’t make sense, accept when he says “let’s go” “I’m ready to go” and wants to drive home. I was visiting 2 1/2 hours a day, but he never remembers I was there yesterday or anyone that comes to visit. I’m now only staying an hour. Manly to check on his care and mental health. He is being well taken care of and I bring my concerns to the staff and they take care of it. When he forgets who I am, I’ll visit less days as I move to build my new life. I’m still his caregiver but have moved to an oversight position. Feeling guilty is my new normal. Crying and pain and loneliness still goes on until I don’t know when. I have a counselor and a support group, and this on line forum. Remember this is not your fault, he is safe where he is. Praying you find peace, take care of yourself and much love to you.
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Each and every posting hits the nail on the head. There is no explaining what goes through their minds. My LO went into AL mid-June of this year. He is very "confused" about almost everything but a sweet and gentle soul. It's hard watching the person you love go dow the rabbit hole. I have cut back on my visits because he really doesn't seem to know it's ME. At lunch the other day he said "I'm so happy you chose to sit with me" thinking I was another resident. He confuses me with the other ladies with white hair who's live there. He also asked me if I live there? The staff has mentioned MC as it's a smaller setting with more personalized care but I am resisting because it's a "lock down". He would still be able to come out and attend events and have meals in the main dining room. He would be escorted on some level. The guilt is always there and when I return from a visit I am exhausted and unable to do much of anything for a few hours. This forum has been my go to for the past few months. "The Calvary is NOT Coming" (some one else's fabulous comment a few months back) and I can accept that. It's one day at a time. Try not to look back or forward just soldier on!
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Thank you. I will talk to the staff and the nursing director.
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Good idea Carol. Thank you.
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Thank you. This is the worst disease tearing people up day by day with no end in sight.
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my husband asked to come home every visit for awhile. Just keep repeating the fib. He won’t remember it next time you visit. He is probably doing OK when you’re not there. I also cried on the way home every time I visited. It’s the guilt you’re feeling. Hugs.
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Thank you. I am amazed at just how our mind can be logical and know that the placement is the only option for both of us. Yet, the heart/emotions cause so much pain and guilt. It is a total mind warp. I am hanging in there. God bless you.
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Most residents who have some lucidity will want to go home, although some may have a different definition of what/where "home" is. One resident in my DH's facility practically packs his bag daily and waits by the front door demanding to go home. Blessed are all the staff who wait alongside him until he settled down. It's been almost a year for this resident. My DH settled in rather quickly. It's probably due to all the prepping I managed to instill in him that I was setting up his long-term care in case something should happen to me, to comfort him in knowing that he would not become homeless. In my first visit, he cried and asked if I was there to take him home. I broke down and was tormented. Now, a year and a half later, he's quite settled in and seems to accept that this is his place of residence, although not necessarily his home.
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Thank you Dio. This has been torturous. I struggle every day with guilt and sadness. This disease just keeps twisting every ounce of joy and peace out of us as it moves from one phase to another.
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I ended up bringing my wife home after 12 days in memory care. I think the placement was premature since I was desperate. I was hoping my wife would make friends but most of the residents were non-social. I spent 4 hours there each day and realized that her quality of life would be much better at home (with help from health care aids). When I spoke with the director and nurse about my decision, the nurse said she has seen it take 6 months for the adjustment to be complete. I made the right decision then and I am more aware of what to loom for if memory care becomes inevitable in the future.
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My husband has been in memory care, 10 months and 10 days today. Still incredibly difficult for me. I visit every day for about five hours because he wants me there. He still knows who I am but doesn't remember anything about the life we shared.
The only things he knows is that he loves me. I’m beautiful and he would like me there 24 hours a day.
I’m lucky he’s so sweet and loving but it’s also painful. I cry every day.
I think he is adjusted better than I have.
I’m profoundly sad about what this disease is doing to him.
part of me thinks I should be adjusted to this new reality. It helps to read others comments about how difficult this is.
It’s the kind of thing you can only really understand when you go through it.2 -
I just cannot handle the thought of MC for my wife. In the darkest days when that other person, her other self, is in our home and I want to escape from her, MC seems right. Then it passes and my wife returns, sits beside me, holds my hand and begs me to never leave her alone. So now the tears flow, but only inside, as I cannot let her see me cry as she would not understand why and become even more upset. The caregivers are helping with daily 4 hour breaks for me and I think I will just have to continue expanding their time as her condition worsens. She knows me most of the time and expects that I am with her all of the time. The pain, the guilt, the fear becomes overwhelming about having to place her in MC. I honestly don't think I will ever be able to do so. As much as I hate to leave that burden to our children, I pray that I will exit before the time comes that MC is absolutely required. Perhaps that makes me a coward, a title I do not relish, but I could not survive that walk away from MC as she asks to go home or calls my name. Those who have to do this for their loved one have my eternal respect and admiration for you are a stronger person than I.
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Thank you all for these posts. I needed to hear, read all that was said. I am thinking about placing my LO in memory care next year. My emotions are just scattered all over the place and my heart aches just thinking about it. I came to the realization that it would be beneficial for my LO to be in a MC place even though I would be lonely, lost, crying everyday.
Bless us all through these challenges
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There may be a few different things that may help. Maybe request a care conference with the management team/nurses at the MC. They may be able to suggest ways to redirect him since he is so high functioning or have him connect with other residents that are at the same level cognitively as him. I work in a MC and we have had residents that have adjusted well on day 1 and others that it has taken a couple months so it can vary. We have recommended to our families they not visit the first week because it helps their LO get used to our community, associates and routine. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't. Definitely start by talking to the team there!
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Thank you. I talked to the care team and they suggested I take him out for a meal or a dessert every once in awhile. It worked the first time. He was delighted. The second time, he asked about going home. I cried all the way home that day.
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Thank you. Most of the residents are more advanced than he is. They do take him to another cottage where the residents are more lucid. I have also signed him up for a daycare program that the more lucid residents attend. I am hopeful it gives him more stimulation. I cannot imagine bringing him home now. When he wants to go to the bathroom in his MC room, he doesn't know where the bathroom is and proceeds to walk out of the room. He seems to listen to the staff much better than to me. I feel he is safer in MC as I could see him trying to walk up our stairs and falling as he really believes he can do things that he cannot.
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Last Christmas I had a premonition that it would be our last Christmas together. My DH kept saying about a month before he got COVID and then eventually had to go into MC that he was sad because he didn't want us to be separated, and he knew that was going to happen. It may just be coincidence, but I find these phenomena strange. The holidays are going to be the worst. I will go through the motions this year, but my heart is not in it. I just want to get through them without more trauma.
I recently moved him into a bigger room, and it triggered another round of questions about why he was moved into a bigger room and not home. Hence, another ride home crying all the way.
All I know is that caregivers who survive this long journey have to become the strongest, most patient and caring persons because we have been through this ordeal. I wear my emotions on my sleeve seeing the pain and suffering of others and I could never see it before.
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I brought my aunt to live with me after 3 years of her being in two care homes. She never understood why she was there and was frustrated that they wouldn’t let her out. Though the care homes were nice, she missed having independence,
I lived far away and would visit her in her care home and stay overnight for several days. The extended stays gave me more insight into her experience. (I recommend that everyone stay 24 hrs or more in a MC if they can.) It was a challenging 6 years having her with me, but I’m glad I did it.
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My mom has been in assisted living a little over a month now . My mom is much more cooperative with the staff there than she was with me. She is happy there for which Im thankful. I miss my mom, i have cried a few times. Reality is though that my mom and I both are doing better this way. She gets a lot of attention, is entertained by sitting and watching everything coming and going. I know longer have to worry about a lot of the challenges I had trying to care for her and me at the same time. Each one of us is in our own unique situation and wish the best for each one.
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I am in the same boat: my DH and I vowed to let him stay at home until the end. I’ve worked in MC and AL and I know that regardless how beautiful the facility is, it’s still not the same as being at home.
We live in a condominium building and the 24/7 doorman security has given me comfort that we can stay here.
Hugs to you and your wife.
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I moved my mother from AL to MC 7 weeks ago. During a conference with the director and nurse they confirmed she is compliant and enjoys the activities. She calls me constantly saying she must move to a better place, she is lonely, the others can’t talk and she can’t believe I would put her in this prison. Is there anything more I can do support her transition to MC?
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One thing I will say is to stop taking ‘constant’ calls. If she has a phone that can call you by pressing one button, get RID of that. If there is a problem, the facility will call you. IME talking to her only when YOU call her is easier on the both of you. The more she expresses to you her desire to leave, the more she is dwelling on it. She should be involved at the MC. The reports from the staff are going to be far more accurate as to whether she is settling in than her reports to you
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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