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Did I Give Up Too Soon?

Rachel13
Rachel13 Member Posts: 1 Member
in Caring for a Parent
Following a violent outburst (mom attacked her in home caregiver) when she had a UTI, I made the difficult decision to place mom in MC. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks. She is more lucid than the other residents in her MC, but 'loops' verbally a lot, and it is clear that there's significant decline within the past 3 months. I am having issues with guilt. My husband and I both have to work full time to keep a roof over our heads, so cannot be full time caregivers, and mom thinks he former caregivers were stealing from her. I felt like the only way to keep her safe was to place her in MC where they know how to deal with her behaviors. During her episode, she accused me of stealing from her, and told doctors that we abused her... it was humiliating and hurtful. I recognize that is the disease and not reality, but it still ripped open many scars from my childhood. Now, I'm wondering if I moved her to MC too soon... should I have tried harder to keep her in our home? Should I have handled things differently? How on earth can anyone be sure that we are doing the right thing for our LOs?
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Comments

  • jehjeh
    jehjeh Member Posts: 75
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    It sounds like your mom needs more care than a solitary caregican give. It's probably the safest thing for everyone for her to be in MC. I know how difficult it is to come to this decision. My father had to be in MC years ago when he became too difficult for my mom to continue caring for him. We all felt guilt at first but once he began to think of it as home he settled in well.

    It sounds like you're doing all you can to take good care of your mom. Sometimes we just have to trust our instincts.

  • Emily 123
    Emily 123 Member Posts: 872
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    edited December 2024

    I don't think you were jumping the gun—maybe the UTI helped you make the decision. Even a tractable person with dementia requires constant 'eyes on' and interactions. One of the hard parts about the caregiving is that there's always going to be second guessing and feelings of guilt—that's the nature of making decisions for your person when they lose the ability to chart their own path. There's a lot of family dynamics to contend with too. I think you made a good decision, and I'm sure your mom would agree if she weren't affected by the disease. It may take a few more weeks for her to rebound from the effects of the UTI, and she'll also be using a lot of her resources to acclimate to the new routine. It took my mom about 6 weeks to know the environment and 3 months to have a routine, but YMMV.

  • easy23
    easy23 Member Posts: 236
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    You did the right thing by placing your mom in MC. Everyone feels guilty and questions if it was too early. Just trust that you did the right thing.

  • SusanB-dil
    SusanB-dil Member Posts: 1,399
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    edited December 2024

    Hi Rachel13 - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

    Agree you did fine. I see a lot of guilt feelings about displacing our LO. You didn't move her, 'this' horrid disease did.

    Look at it this way... mom has 24/7 care and you will always be her advocate, but can more be the caring daughter and not just worried about the caregiving.

  • Mirelsa87
    Mirelsa87 Member Posts: 5
    Second Anniversary 5 Care Reactions First Comment
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    Sorry you’re going through this. My mother accused me for years of the same thing and that’s how we knew she was sick. When I finally moved her with me I realized it was anxiety that made her think like that and behave that way. We put her on anxiety medication and we haven’t heard her accuse anyone of stealing anything. She does still hide things but the outburst and accusations has stopped. She’s more relaxed and now we can enjoy her.

  • mabelgirl
    mabelgirl Member Posts: 288
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    From what you’ve posted I think you have made the best decision for your family. I also share the guilt of having moved my mom into an ALF. I even considered changing my mind up to the moment we moved her in. Several times in the 5 months since then I think about bringing her back. Then I pray on it and get comfort that she is well taken care of, she has one of her family visit nearly every day, though she will tell you I dropped her off and haven’t visited since. 🙄 I put cameras in her room thus it helps that I can see she’s ok. For me I’m not as stressed handling the outbursts and hearing the hurtful (although not meant) words. I remind myself I came to the decision based on love and care for her. Prayers for peace.

  • tboard
    tboard Member Posts: 48
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71619/did-i-give-up-too-soon

    Guilt seems to be part of the caregiving process. Sounds like you made the very best decision based on the information you had at the time. You did your best and that is all you can do. Let go of any guilt and spend the energy visiting your mom.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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