How to handle leaving DH at MC

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originally posted by @harshedbuzz

how did you get your loved one to memory care? Apparently pretty much no one wants to go.

I drove him and my mom under the fiblet that his was a second opinion to make sure he was getting the best possible care.

How did you get them in the door and what did you tell them when you dropped them off? How many people knew about the plan? I'm concerned my parent will call me everyone including people we haven't told about the placement.

I had arranged arrival for "snack time" when residents would be having ice cream and then seeing a movie. The social director met dad at the front desk and whisked him away, shooing us to the business office to sign some paperwork.

I informed his brother of the pending move. He, of the every-6-weeks-30-minute-drive-by-visit, played devil's advocate with me. I shut that down. I also informed my niece who is mom's successor agent and third in line for dad after me.

People in MC don't need phones, so we didn't provide one for dad. If he needed to make a call, staff would assist.

How long did it take for them to settle in? From what I have seen during memory care tours is that people look content so they must have adjusted.

I'd say about a month which surprised me given dad's paranoia and difficult personality.

Is there anything one can do to help wthem adjust?

Since our ruse for placement was that it was to be a temporary rehab hospitalization on doctor's orders, we did not go the oft suggested route of making his room as much like home as possible. TBH, we had replicated the decor of his beloved house in FL when setting up the apartment to which I moved them north and it didn't seem to make any difference in helping him feel "at home" and months later when I moved them into a home decorated in Santa Fe style he thought he was in his house in FL.

We went for a kind of Holiday Inn vibe in a bid to make it seems like a fancy rehab. Over time, we did bring in a couple family portraits; one resident routinely took the picture of mom as a young woman so I was glad that was a copy and not the original. After he died, I was relieved to only need to carry a couple boxes out to the car. On the way home I passed a family cleaning mom's room out and dealing with a queen bed, dressers, a curio cabinet and U-Haul worth of boxes.

Some facilities suggest avoiding visits for a 2-4 weeks to give your LO time to settle and bond with the new caregiving team. We ignored this advice and those first visits were brutal.

What is the appropriate reaction if they are extremely mad at their loved ones? What if this persists across time?

One thing that helped when dad was so angry, was to limit visits with him to public areas of the facility. He had just enough on the ball to showtime if staff were around, so we took advantage of that. Another tactic is to bring a friend or family member she might be more inclined to behave around. One member here, M1, whose partner took longer to settle in than anyone I've ever heard of, initially sent friends to check on their LO because they seemed to be a visual trigger for upset. That was very painful for M1 but kinder for the partner.

When dad started to ramp up into agitation or aggression, I/we ghosted him. I made an excuse to use a bathroom or get something from my car and kept on walking. I found it useful to always brings something— a snack, a magazine, lunch. I avoided having mom visit alone at first because he was a little better behaved around me and because I was more adept at getting her out of the line of fire. She was so guilty feeling that I somethings think she allowed herself to be excoriated by him as some sort of penance.

Good luck. The day ahead of the actual move were some of the most emotionally difficult of my life. It was actually easier once he was at the facility. He was much more agreeable with the staff in terms of care and after his period of adjustment our visits were something to which I could look forward.