Dreaming of the future

RetiredTeacher · January 17

We spend so much time caring for our demented spouses. Our lives are turned upside down and inside out, being dragged down the rabbit hole with our spouses to "dementia land". Our days look so very different with more work than we can accomplish and little time for ourselves and our needs. My husband is sleeping more these days and I am allowing myself permission to dream about a future when all this is behind me. I used to think that was selfish but now I know it's healthy. It gives me hope to know my current reality is not my forever reality. That's a very important belief to hang on to because it helps in all those moments of despair and hopelessness. I realize at some future time I will again have control of my time, make choices just considering myself, have control of my time, become independent again and wake up smiling every day. If you have not yet given yourself permission to consider your future after dementia, I encourage you to. It will help with the depression you may be facing. We know we cannot fix or cure our spouses. This is a long, slow, sad difficult journey that we endure and the ability to dream of a future with happiness and peace can be a much needed respite. I wish you all peace on this journey.

annie51 · January 17

Such a profound post! I too think about what life will be like after this journey, similar to how I thought about retirement before dementia took that dream away. Recently I was cleaning out some files and I came across a folder I started with articles and ideas on where to travel. I sadly threw it away but thought at the point I can travel again, I’ll begin the collection again. I hope I will be healthy enough to have a good life at that point. Thank you for reinforcing for me that this is not selfish!

marier · January 17

Well said and so true. Dreaming is so good for the soul!.

Tetonman · January 17

Thanks. It's good to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way

Carmen M · January 17

Thank you for this heartfelt post. Just placed my LO in nursing home in Dec 2024. I have been visiting most days but I find myself contemplating about all these vacations I can now enjoy. After I am comfortable with the care my LO is receiving, I will start to make plans for ME time away from the home.

Your post really reinforced my dreams and plans for the future. And realize it is OK

tfnots · January 17

Wow..I applaud you folks for looking to the future. I fantasize that I may have one someday. I'm just beginning the caregiving journey and sometimes fear I won't ever have time to myself again.

Palmetto Peg · January 17

I think we all have those dreams of a future without being a caregiver. I have shared this with the therapist I see, and she agrees it is a normal and healthy thing to do. My DH is probably in about stage 6, but his condition is progressing pretty rapidly, so I don't think there is a lot of time ahead of me to deal with this. I will always miss him terribly, and I will miss the lost opportunities we could have had to travel and enjoy life, but I also refuse to give up living myself once he is gone. This is a great conversation, and so important! Thank you!

RetiredTeacher · January 17

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/234194#Comment_234194

Please know you are not alone and you have supportive people here, Many are much further on the journey than you are. Hang in there. Much knowledge and experience here. It may take a long time to get to the place of acceptance and understand although you are both on the same path now, in the future there will be a tome when a fork in the road will put you on separate paths. You will be able to dream of your own future when you get closer to the fork in the road. You need to keep yourself strong enough along the caregiver journey and that can help with the support you get here. Take care of yourself and make sure you take some time just for yourself every day. Welcome to this group.

tfnots · January 17

Thank-you…

tfnots · January 17

Dunno · January 17

My DW has been in MC since August. While having lunch in the dining room and looking around at the different stages the other residents are in, I realized that this is my DW’s future. This is her future—she’ll likely to die here.

We always thought about and talked about our future together. I suppose, sooner or later, I’ll need to start considering mine alone.

Thank you for this… something to think about.

Bailey's Mom · January 17

I have just taken it for granted that this…and worse… will be the way it is for the rest of my life and have never thought that I have any kind of future left. Today I got to go the grocery store and post office…by myself…and sadly, that was the highlight of my day! Your post makes me think that maybe their is a glimmer of hope out there…

Lilydaisy · January 18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71801/dreaming-of-the-future

Hope and things to look forward to are powerful. You said it well.

SDianeL · January 18

thank you for this post. My husband passed Aug 12 and I’m having a hard time learning to live on my own. I needed your words today. I’m going to plan a trip.

Biggles · January 18

What a wonderful post. I have thought of the future but until now have always wanted a future with my DH. As I feel him slipping further away from me, sleeping constantly, with more aches, pains and confusion, on the strength of your post, I will start thinking of the future. I refuse to stop living, we loved our adventurous life together so now I will carry him with me in my heart and think of what might be and what I might do. You have given me courage and strength. Thankyou.

Jdbug · January 18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71801/dreaming-of-the-future

THANK YOU 🧡

Jdbug · January 18

Me too. I am 3 years in and so many things are on hold or just completely changed. I just hope I can keep myself together well enough to enjoy such things whe5the time comes. I'm beginning to focus on staying fit

Bailey's Mom · January 18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/234287#Comment_234287

I used to be very fit before HWD's alz diagnosis. I quit playing pickelball, walking, exercising and lifting small weights, don't take my supplements, not eating right and get very little sleep. The shock is beginning to wear off now and I'm beginning to think about getting fit too. I am almost sure that he will outlive me because of his longevity genes, but if not, I want to be in as good of shape as possible.

CampCarol · January 18

Thank you for this post! I know I need to get my act together but I just can’t figure out how to get motivated. The days are just bleeding together; friends I used to have would be shocked to see my pasty, overweight sad self. My apologies for the pity party, how does one rise above all of this for self-care?

Cat1t · January 19

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71801/dreaming-of-the-future

This is so relatable and I thank you for sharing. Wishing you peace.

trottingalong · January 19

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/234328#Comment_234328

It’s very difficult to rise above it. I’ve started slowly. I do 15 minute stretching exercises in the mornings. Trying to get one small walk a day in the neighborhood. I was extremely active before this. That in itself depresses me.

RetiredTeacher · January 20

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/234328#Comment_234328

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/234403#Comment_234403

You keep going. You need to be as string as possible, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I too used to be very fit, retired PE teacher. I'm still in there somewhere. It difficult to get out these days but I do have videos, a treadmill and exercise equipment. I can't change his future but I can change mine by being as strong as I can for what lies ahead. We are hyper focused on their needs at the expense of ours. Pls allow yourself a little time to strengthen yourself for what lies ahead. It will benefit you AND your husband. Take care of yourself!

howdoidothis · January 20

I don’t have a husband, but a parent suffering from this.
I hesitate to dream because I don’t know what the finances will end up looking like.

PJ52 · January 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/234447#Comment_234447

One of the best things we did after my husband's diagnosis was consult an elder care attorney. She knew so much about the cost of long term care and resources to help with it. The peace of mind it gave me, as well as what to do to prepare, was well worth the cost.

tfnots · February 20

Since I was here last, I have thought many times of the thoughts shared by everyone. I am feeling stronger and think I am more capable of looking ahead. I'm getting encouragement from others to be sure to keep time for myself and I find this hard because I keep saying to myself that this isn't all bad. But I know it will get worse…However today is ok. I wonder if I'll say things are ok for too long…and then end up in a mess. While this journey is scary at times..it is also fascinating. I wonder what today will bring.. My current project is consultation with a senior living advisor to know some options for down the road.

Russinator · February 20

I thank everyone for your posts on this subject and many others. I'm learning a lot form all you kind people.

BarnesL · February 20

I have always felt guilty about dreaming of life after my DW. Your post helps me realize that it may be a healthy thing to help me cope. Thank you.

Marchbanks · February 20

I keep a running list on my phone of things I can look forward to someday. There are significant plans about resuming travel but most of them a small, simple things like coffee with a friend, grocery shopping alone, a long walk without a timeframe or anxiety about what I might find when I get home. A restful sleep. I regularly add to it when I’m sad or overwhelmed or just longing for a glimpse of the future. It helps.

wose · February 21

I can’t imagine a life after this. I try but there’s nothing to look forward to anymore. I have no friends or family, just my HWD. Honestly the thought scares me. I’ve been alone so long now, it’s comfortable. I think cause this disease made my hubby so mean and nasty I would be hesitant to find a friend in fear this would happen again. Even tho I’m only 66, I think solitude might be in cards. Sad, I know💕💙

Carl46 · February 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236852#Comment_236852

I think you could start small. Go to lunch at the senior center, go to church, socialize a little without commitment. See what happens. It couldn't hurt.

tryingtodurvive · February 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71801/dreaming-of-the-future

I want to comment on this post from a perspective of someone who has reached a point in the journey where my dreams of the future are being fulfilled. I went through all the same thoughts of a life past being a full time caregiver. I survived that life through my faith and finally fully surrendering to my wonderful Lord. He has guided me and blessed me and taught ME so much through the journey. If you are faithful surrender and lean on the Lord for blessings will come every day if you look for them. My husband went into memory care in August. In the beginning life was lonely at times but I began to enjoy every moment of every day. I believe in a sense, the journey was a certain gift as now I appreciate every moment of every day. Just to be able to watch a tv show because my husband-couldn’t understand tv or to simply sit quietly in the morning with a cup of coffee and look forward to what the day will bring. I’m once again able to enjoy my grandchildren and they can come have sleepovers and sleep in my bed. I have begun to travel and just did a cruise with a dear friend and it was glorious. I will never stop loving my husband until the day he or I leave this earth and go to our permanent home in heaven but for now I’m not feeling guilty enjoying my life here every day. My husband is so happy in memory care when he was so miserable at home. I have great peace and know God is working everything out for my good.

Dreaming of the future

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