New to group any advice

Welcome! This forum has been a lifesaver for me and I hope it will be for you as well! Just a few things:

Your DH is probably not in denial but has anosognosia. With denial, a person could work with a therapist and come to see the reality. With anosognosia, that will never happen. This is common in people with dementia and people with TBI. It is a physical problem. In my DH, it varies from one moment to the next which makes it hard to recognize. I would suggest that you let your DH be and work around him.

As you get your legal documents lined up, be sure that you get a durable POA for your DH, not a springing POA. And you probably don’t want to have him as your POA.

I have found that my DH is not able to accept responsibility for his actions and will get mad at me and blame others. Not sure if that’s what is going on for your DH.

I’m not sure what medicine you are talking about. The 2 common ones re Aricept (generic Donepezil) and Name da (generic memantine). These slow the progression so the only way to know if it’s working is to stop it and see if they rapidly get worse. And you don’t want to do that.

There is a collection of info for people new to dementia caregiving. Go to the top and on the purple banner, to the right, is a link to Groups. Click on that and scroll down to info for newcomers.

Keep reading and learning. This forum has kept me from being blindsided by new symptoms and changes in behaviors.

My DH (and I’ve read many other similar comments on this forum) definitely treats me differently than others. He can be very caring on occasion, but more often there are other situations where he gets mad at me if (1) I can’t explain something to him, (2) he can’t explain something to me or (3) for no reason at all, he just gets PO’d at some comment I make or just my face in general and starts in. I have found that the advice above is sound…don’t argue (which I find incredibly difficult! 🤷‍♀️), meet him where he is or walk away. I’m sorry to say you will grow and learn to deal with these behaviors, but it’s very hard. Hang in there, we’re all in this together!

I think the most important thing to remember is that he is always right! It stinks! If he doesn’t understand what you are explaining you take the blame yourself. I’m sorry I’m just not very good at explaining things. Then move on to something else. If he tells you he suddenly doesn’t like apples even though he has eaten them daily for years, tell him you’re sorry you forgot he doesn’t like apples. Obviously when it comes to finances, driving and those sorts of thing you may need to alter your approach. Be very careful with finances at this stage many lo have lost a small fortune. Fiblets are (in my opinion) an approach to some difficult situations that may be less stressful for both you and him. Medication for anxiety and depression can take a while to take full effectiveness and they usually start at a very low dose. If you think medication isn’t working I would ask the doctor about increasing it. If his medication is just to slow the progression I would talk to the doctor about something for the grumpiness. It might be best to send the doctor a note. I can’t imagine having that discussion in front of your husband would go well.

https://alzconnected.org/group/32-new-caregiver-help

This has a lot of great information. The staging tool is good and I would also recommend reading understanding the dementia experience.
I hope you find something here helpful.

My DH also wants me at his side ALL THE TIME! If he was more mobile he would probably follow me around but since he needs help standing and using his walker he wants me to stay with him. Even while he sits on the toilet. He tells me to pull up a chair.

Fortunately, I've found tv shows that will occupy him for a few minutes and old friends and a family member will spend time on the phone with him. That gives me a little break. But, like your loved one, I am often called back for something minor as soon as I walk away.

You have gotten some very good advice above.
You said that you had met with an estate planner. If you met with the planner with your husband, you may want to go back and meet with the planner alone. Laws and rules vary by state, and you need to be absolutely sure you understand them. You may need to ask questions that DH is uncomfortable with. Second marriages can change how you plan.

Whether or not DH wants people to know, if they haven’t picked it up from his behavior, they soon will. If your experience mimics mine, people will soon start asking you about his health. Decide what you want to say now. While your instinct may be to say nothing is wrong, realize that this can cut off any support that is available. My DH, while not being able to do many things, can still participate in a couple decades long activities. When others in the group started to notice his dementia, I was honest with them. They in turn have been very kind to DH and have adjusted their expectations of him (without saying anything to him).

Second marriages bring another set of complications. My kids have been helpful when I have need help. But, reality is they are not DH’s kids. His kids— One we see so seldom that she is unaware of his issues. The other (younger) we see a few times a year. I have informed her of what is happening and text her after each doctor appointment. Sometimes she responds.

I had a health scare last year. It turned out fine, but I realized that I needed to make sure things were set if I died first. Youngest daughter indicated she would step up if I went first. I made sure that there was a second agent on the powers of attorney (DH’s younger). I made DH’s daughter a ‘death book’ that explained various things that needed to be done if I died first. (Copies of utility bills, health insurance info, pension inf, bank accounts, etc). I arranged and prepaid our funerals. I found his DD214 and had him apply for his veteran’s cemetery grave. I’ve done everything I can think of to make it easier for her.

You said you plan to keep your DH at home. I plan to keep DH at home for as long as I can. But, I also realize that I may not be able to. My first husband had was ill and he stayed at home. But, that was 30 years ago. I am older and also have had some health issues. I can’t do what I could before. It’s not a reflection of my love. It’s my reality. Some can keep their loved one at home. Some can’t. There is no right or wrong.

Keep reading here. It helps.