New here and looking for advice

ByronB · May 6

Hi,

I am the 58 year old son of a 89 y/o father who is entering mid-stage Alzheimer’s. I live in California, and my parents live in Southwest Florida. I had recently taken FMLA to fly out for 3 weeks to help my 85 year old Mom find an assisted living facility for him(she is unable to care for him any longer). We did find him one, but he is there currently on a “respite care” trial basis for 3 weeks to see if he is an elopement risk due to multiple incidents of elopement that occurred while he was at home. He is blind, and has difficulty walking(uses a walker), and is also an insulin dependent diabetic. With these changes he has become increasingly belligerent with my mom and staff at the facility triggered by anxiety and frustration due to confusion and his other limitations. I am afraid they will say he can no longer stay due to his behavior if it worsens. Going back to live with my mom is not an option. What other options do I have?

I have durable power of attorney, and currently taking care of all finances and legal decisions as per my mom’s directive.

ARIL · May 7

I am sorry for your situation, which is sadly familiar to people on this forum.

Care facilities are typically arranged in order of needs for care: assisted living, memory care, skilled nursing care. Sometimes a single facility has only one type of care; others have a “stepped” arrangement and can provide all three. Some explanations of types of long-term care are on the web, such as this page from the Alzheimer’s Association: https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/care-options/long-term-care.

From what you describe, your father needs memory care—more than an assisted living arrangement can typically provide. (Be aware that costs for MC are higher than for AL.) You can also speak with his doctor about the aggression; some medications can help with this without sedating him.

I wish you all the best. It is very hard.

hiya · May 10

I’m sorry you are part of this group that nobody wants to join. This group is also the most supportive, knowledgeable, non judgmental group you will find!!

With an elopement history, diabetic, blind and mobility issues, assisted living will not be a good fit. Memory care has a lot more support that your dad needs to be safe. My advice would be to tour facilities asap with hope that after respite, he can move straight there. There is not much that is easy about this disease but MC will help both your parents and give you peace of mind. I’m sure there are people on here that will have first hand knowledge. Best of luck.

terei · May 10

Additionally, if he is not medicated, I would look into that. There a several meds that can blunt is behaviors

harshedbuzz · May 12

@ByronB

Long distance support is hard.

Are you using the term assisted living generically or is this one of those lovely hospitality-model ALs? If it is the latter, it's probably not the best option given his considerable needs.

Ideally, he should be in a dedicated memory care facility which has dementia informed care and staff with training in dementia caregiving. Insulin dependency, in some places, can restrict options depending on how the facility is licensed and the credentials of those on staff.

Medication for to blunt his anxiety and the agitation it triggers would be an option I would explore. Dad's MCF had a geri psych affiliated with the facility. If this isn't an option, a short stay in a geri psych unit would be prudent if he doesn't settle in. Most PWD take a month or 2 to acclimate to the move and new caregivers so a 3-week "respite stay" might not be predictive of how this will ultimately work out for him.

Were he to be asked to leave for behaviors, I would absolutely go the geri psych stay and allow tham to assist you with an appropriate placement once he's stable.

HB

H1235 · May 14

It’s not just about will they allow him to stay. It’s a matter of can they provide the care he needs if he does stay. My moms Al told me when she moved in that they were set up so that they could provide care to the end. That has not been the case. If she refuses to do something the staff simply says ok and that’s the end of it. They have no training. When mom was going on and on about visiting her house I worried she might try to find a way to leave. I was told by the administrator, residence are free to come and go as they please. I could go on and on. My point is most assisted living facilities simply offer so assistance while leaving the pwd a great deal of freedom. This freedom may not be what is needed.

New here and looking for advice

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