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How to help with dementia and sundowners

avaughn84
avaughn84 Member Posts: 1 New
in Caring for a Parent
I am new to all this. I worked in a dementia care unit as a companion but it is nothing compared to feeling so helpless when it comes to my grandma. My dad wants to put her in a home and I gave her my word I would not let that happen. It breaks my heart seeing her decline and not know who I am. I had never even heard of sundowners but I am mildly concerned that it's more of a broken heart syndrome going undiagnosed. My grandma was in great health and sharp as tack she started failing health when my grandpa passed away a few years ago but it was nothing drastic however when my mom passed 2 years ago although my mom was her daughter in law she was closer to my mom than my dad and after she passed my grandma got really bad really fast. Is there any books or articles anyone would recommend that I read for any of the above mentioned conditions or know how I can best help my grandma.
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  • H1235
    H1235 Member Posts: 891
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    Member

    Welcome. Has she been diagnosed? There are treatable conditions that should be ruled out. Does anyone have a durable power of attorney? This is important. Is she living alone? A promise not to put her in a home is not doable if she doesn’t have the finances to back that up. 24 hr care in home is very expensive! Some here would say that without finances to back her up she made a wish not a plan. While I can understand that she doesn’t want to go to a home I would guess she doesn’t want you to give up your life, career, family, friends to care for her and that is what you would probably have to do to keep her in her home. Dementia is often referred to as the long goodbye. She could live another 10 or 15 years. Many people recommend the book The 36 hour day (for dementia caregivers). I will attach a few things that may be informative for you. My mom is in assistant living and I’m retired and I am beyond overwhelmed with all that needs to be done ( finances, cataract surgery, doctor appointments, supplies, cleaning out her house). My recommendation is to help your dad find a nice assisted living facility and visit often. Being the primary caregiver requires that you take a lot of freedoms away. If she refuses to shower, take medication or insists she is fine to drive you will end up being the bad guy. This struggle can create a lot of problems, making you the caregiver she is angry with vs the granddaughter she looks forward to visiting with. I hope some of this helps.


    https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/1/understanding-the-dementia-experience#hlangandcommun

    https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf

  • harshedbuzz
    harshedbuzz Member Posts: 5,190
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 1,000 Insightfuls Reactions 1,000 Likes
    Member

    @avaughn84

    Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

    Even if your dad doesn't have POA, as next-of-kin he's the logical decision-maker for your dear grandma. You could be a secondary agent and next in line. The best thing you can do for grandmas is to support your dad as primary caregiver unless he's neglecting or abusing her in which case you could go to court for guardianship.

    I can appreciate the sentiment of not wanting to place your grandma, but the promise you made was not to the woman she is now. Unless you independently have the means to provide this care in your own home, your promise is more of a wish.

    Your dad may have reasons why placement would be more appropriate than in-home care. Perhaps there aren't funds to provide extra care in-home. Perhaps he's not comfortable with the kind of intimate care a PWD requires at a certain point. Perhaps he doesn't have the physical stamina for 24/7 care for the next decade and doesn't want you to spend a phase of your life when you should be building a career and plan for your future.

    TBH, this change in your grandma over the last couple of years seems more like typical disease progression coupled with the loss of scaffolding provided by her husband and then your mom. Broken heart syndrome typically presents with cardiac symptoms and fairly close to the triggering event. Most recover within 4-6 weeks.

    HB

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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