Keep Putting Off MC Visits

PastorB · June 24

Placed DW in MC four years ago, and it was the right decision. Moved her from a deteriorating for-profit facility to a public facility providing excellent care. She is happy in her circumstances - still aware enough to interact on a limited basis with others, feed herself with assistance, and so on. As her early-onset AD has progressed, she cannot speak in coherent sentences any longer. She smiles when she sees me, but doesn't really know who I am - we were married 41 years ago in April.

Lately, I've found myself putting off visits even though her MC is 10 minutes from my home. Something—anything—will come up, and I will put it off until tomorrow. Repeat daily. When I do go, it's usually at dinnertime, so I know where to find her. Visiting at another time usually means having the staff search rooms for her. The unit is large, and residents are often in the wrong room. At least at dinnertime, I can interact with her a bit.

At first, I told myself I was just super busy. It is true: I work full-time and am involved in many other things. But telling myself this is why I don't go very often anymore is a lie. I know deep down that I don't want to go. I love her deeply, and I'm glad she's safe. I guess I feel guilty enough about not visiting often to write this post, but mostly I'm just wondering if anyone else whose LO has been in memory care feels this way?

jehjeh · June 24

I understand. This is normal.

My DH has not been placed in memory care, still at home with me. But during numerous hospitalizations I have been there, by his side, all day. This time (we're at day 4) it's all i can do to get there mid afternoon and leave after 2 hours or so. When my dad was in memory care I ended up visiting once every week or two.

I think it's such a relief to let someone else do the heavy lifting that our bodies and minds allow us to rest. Even if you're not doing the day to day care, it's a great weight emotionally. I hope you can give yourself a break and know that you're doing all you can for your DW. It sounds like she's content. For me, that's the ultimate win.

I hope you will find peace knowing that you've been a great husband and caregiver. Now, it's your time to take care of you.

Last Dance · June 24

I can't say that I had your problem but I do understand it . My wife was only in memory care for six weeks and I would go everyday from 7:30 in the morning until 10:00 o'clock at night when they put her to bed . Except for there was 4 or 5 days I didn't come in until 3 or 4 in the afternoon and two days I left around 8 before she went to bed . I don't think there's any reason for what you're doing or feeling. I think it's just something inside of you, just as there was something that was inside of me that made me miss them four or five days. Something that said I just don't want to go today . There were a few times that I did have a doctor appointment but that was earlier in the day, I certainly could have went in earlier than I did, maybe we just don't want to see them because they're already lost to us. Maybe because of all the 11 years beforehand that I took care of her were all of a sudden just coming down on me. I guess I will never know . I think what it is, your mind is just trying to take care of Itself. Maybe you're just trying to let go of a pain that you don't even knowledge. I know in the past other people have talked about maybe only visiting their loved ones once or twice a week. I hope some of them would respond but if not there is nothing wrong with you. As long as you know your wife is getting good care and being taken care of that's all that matters. I hope that this makes some kind of sense to you and gives you some kind of relief that what you're doing is probably more normal than what you think it is . As human beings we're taught when we put our hand in the fire we need to pull it away to protect ourselves . God's blessings to you, take care of yourself. Richard

midge333 · June 24

I have been married 46 years and my wife has been in MC for 6 months. I have only missed visiting her 5 days. Everyday, I cannot wait to see her, and everyday, I dread visiting her.

Russinator · June 24

This is normal. We all understand.

l7pla1w2 · June 24

My, my, that sounds familiar. DW has been in MC about 10 weeks. After I placed her, I knew it was the right thing to do for both of us. I did not feel guilty, just very, very sad. My stress level dropped immediately. I had felt trapped. I had been taking care of her 24/7 for a year or two once I could no longer leave her alone in the house and was unable to line up day help that she would tolerate.

I've been visiting her every few days, but I seldom look forward to it. She has no memory, short or long, and I don't know what to talk to her about. She's always happy to see me ("I've missed you so much!"). I've resorted to bringing a frisbee, and we go outside and throw it around, no talking required. When we do talk, she usually veers to saying she wants to go home and it's hard to deflect her. So I go to the MCF about an hour or so before her dinner time, and, when I'm ready to leave, I get her seated, tell her I have to go home to feed the dog, that I'll be back afterward, and leave.

PastorB · June 24

Thank you, everyone; this is all really helpful. I was once where you are now, midge333. Now I can wait to see her, and I wait more and more. I'm going about once every 2-3 weeks now. When she was 40 minutes away, I used to go 2-3 times a week. I do attend the quarterly care review meetings and I talk wth the facility staff whenever they call. I just have a hard time bringing myself to visit her.

17pla1w2, indeed! I used to make sure not to feed my dogs before a visit so I could pretend I wasn't lying when I left. I could tell the poor dear I'm going to the moon, and she would smile and say goodbye.

I don't feel guilty about not being there. I guess I just wanted to see if someone might come up with a reason why I should. I still love her deeply, and I know she is still in there. I just can't reach her any longer.

All the best to you!

sandwichone123 · June 25

My spouse has been in memory care for almost three years. I visited twice a week for the first 1-1/2 year, but I would have to bribe myself to go some days (most often with a root beer float). As his connection to time faded I started to visit once a week, and the bribes are only occasional.

My spouse seems to be at a similar stage, able to feed himself with assistance, but otherwise total care. He's still ambulatory, although requires leading more. I also still work full-time, and while my spouse doesn't know my name or the name of our relationship, he does still recognize me. He's happy when he sees me, and happy to walk around with me, and he tells me everything which unfortunately I can't understand at all. I have no idea whether or not he remembers that I was there, but at the moment he knows.

PastorB · June 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/246595#Comment_246595

Except for the root beer floats, this is pretty much my story. My wife always seems glad to see me, but I am not convinced she knows it is me. None of this is her fault, of course, and I am not hurt that she doesn't know who I am. I will continue to visit occasionally to make sure she is doing well. I think I was most surprised to realize that I do not feel guilty about not visiting. Thanks for sharing!

Keep Putting Off MC Visits

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