New Fear Unlocked
I have benefited so much from different posts I've read since finding this site.
Until recently, I allowed my DM to hold on her debit card and credit card since moving into an IL facility.
After reading horror stories of scammers, both here and in the news, mom consented to having me keep her debit card. I left her credit card with her because I can always dispute charges that may appear on her online statement.
What I am now afraid of is someone "legit" calling her and asking her for her ssn. She knows it by heart and would rattle it off if she believed it was genuinely her bank or doctors' office.
As I can not erase it from her memory, I have frozen her credit with all 3 credit bureaus BUT am wondering if that is enough. I feel there are other things I should do, but have no clue what.
Later today, I am going to see if I can get her Android to block all numbers not in her address book. One problem with that is some times her pcp returns calls after hours, from his cellphone, while at home/driving home.
What has others done? Please share! Thank you!
Comments
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@JulietteBee
What stage would you say your mom's dementia is? You mentioned MCI in another post; do you still agree with that assessment or is her judgment worse than the docs know or has time elapsed since then?
There was a stage early in dad's dementia, when he lost $360K because he could still use a computer but had very poor judgment and executive function, where protecting him from himself was nearly impossible. His cognitive reserve and ability to showtime fooled a lot of people including my mom. I wonder if you are in such a limbo.
Are you her DPOA and medical decision maker? If so, you may be exposed legally vis a vis the credit card for allowing her access to the card with a plan to dispute charges you could have prevented by taking it. This would be akin to a parent giving a teen the card and disputing what they spent at Lululemon.
As DPOA for medical care, the doctor could call you after hours. TBH, I would be cautious around the reliability of reporting of a PWD/MCI both with the doctor in terms of history/symptoms and reporting completely and accurately with you.
HB6 -
Thank you! I never thought of my being held responsible for an inappropriate use of her credit card. I will have to find a way for her to think it's her idea to give it up.
Yes! I am her DPOA, Healthcare Surroge, and only child. The buck literally stops with me.
For years, her pcp dragged his feet and gave her the diagnosis of MCI/Early stage Dementia in December. I have disputed the doctor's diagnosis with him directly. He ordered no additional tests despite her failing the mini-cog and showing amyloids in her blood work (Kappa/Llambda. He also refused to refer out to a neurologist.
I learned about cognitive reserves & showtime, here. She has a high cognitive reserves, most likely due to almost 4 decades of being an RN, and that probably explains her amazing job of showtiming. In public I am left wondering if I am delusional about her condition. Get her around family; she acts, thinks, and speaks like a young child.
Fortunately, that pcp recently left the practice and his replacement shows much more concern & willing to order scans. Today I got him to order an MRI.
I appreciate your point of not trusting her reliabily/reporting. I will definitely request the docs call to speak with me.
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Thank you for responding!
Getting her a different phone sounds like a good idea. As she loses more and more executive function she is now at the point where using her smart phone seems to confuse her. Thankfully, the computer confuses her totally so I have no fear there.
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could you just put a very low limit on the card and not try to take it yet?
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I shared this discussion with my son. I shared that while I got her to give up the debit card, having her give up the credit card will be much harder as she does like going on the bus when they are having a shopping day.
Having a decreased line of credit on the card will be an easier acceptance. Thank you for the suggestion. My son also suggested that I could have her give up the card & then give her a weekly cash allowance for her outings. I had previously bought her a small 3.5 ft x 1.5 ft, lockable file cabinet. She would be able to use it to lock away her allowance.
Decions! Decisions! Decisions!😭
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@JulietteBee
When my son was younger and traveled without us, we used to send him with a reloadable debit card. A reloadable Visa gift card would work, too. We could track the balance online and top-up as needed.Debit Card for Kids and Teens - Greenlight It was something like this.
One concern about the phone is that PWD lose their working memory early in the disease. Working memory is the short-term memory needed to learn new things. Simpler might not be easier for her. When dad started to struggle with his smartphone, they switched him to a flip phone similar to the ones he'd had previously. He had an even harder time with that. Ditto the attempt to replace the Xfinity remote with a senior remote.
HB2 -
Good morning! A reloadable visa card sounds like that would work. I really wasn't too thrilled at my son's suggesting I give her a cash allowance.
Thank you for the link & the suggestion. It helped. I'm going to buy one today.
The phone is going to be another issue. It amazes & scares me the amount of prior knowledge she loses with each passing day.
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You're already ahead of most people here, taking the debit card and freezing all three bureaus is the hard part done. That fear about her rattling off her SSN to a "legit" sounding caller is so real, and you're right that you can't unlearn it for her.
A few quick things that helped in similar situations: an IRS Identity Protection PIN (free at irs.gov) blocks fake tax returns filed with her SSN, and calling SSA at 800-772-1213 to block online and phone access to her Social Security record means even someone with the full number can't redirect her benefits. Between the freeze, the PIN, and that SSA block, the number becomes a lot less useful to a thief even if she does say it out loud.
On the phone: instead of blocking unknown numbers outright, see if her Android can just silence them to voicemail. Her PCP's after-hours callback still leaves a message you can return, but nothing rings through for her to pick up and engage with.
I hope these resources are useful:
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I've found that when a doctor calls after hours the number that shows is the main practice number - not the cell phone in the doctor's hand for their privacy and safety. As HCA he should be calling you for changes to meds, lab reviews etc. Mom can't be expected to remember /follow instructions.
There are 2 umbrella government access portals to the major govt agencies like IRS , etc. That makes locked downs easier.
from Google ;- Login.gov: Used strictly for participating government websites and federal/state agencies.
- ID.me: Can be used across government agencies (like the VA or IRS) as well as private business and retail accounts that partner with ID.me
Can you just exchange the cards when she isn't looking - if she notices- say the old one expired? with a debit card your losses are limited . A credit card may have cash withdrawal access etc so you don't want those numbers out in the wild. Plus since you as DPOA know her abilities are limited - kind of hard to blame a vendor who assumes she can function competently and ask for a charge back if she buys all weather tires for a big rig ;p.
Better to look at how much she spends each trip - fund her to that limit with a small cushion and top up before each trip. Mine I can even turn the card off between days it needs to be active-so better than a credit card .0 -
@JPJardinel, thank you for sharing that knowledge about the IRS site. Thank you also for the resources shared.
Uknown callers who do not leave a valid vm has had to be immediately blocked and have had their numbers deleted. If not, my dm has taken it on herself to RETURN their calls.
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@Victoriaredux, thank you for telling me of those 2 sites.
I have taken mom's credit card away from her now that she lives with me. Her debit card was not only taken away, the card has been locked. Interestingly enough, she does not ask about either of them.
Bless her heart, when she knows something has been purchased for her, she tells me to be sure to reimburse myself. She is contented in her cashless & card less state.🥰
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I would switch out her phone. If she can't learn to use it so be it, that becomes the solution. Most of us eventually have to take the phone away anyway, it causes problems in numerous ways eventually. Therapeutic fibbing - the old one is "broken" and you kindly replaced it. There are many phones out there now designed for PWD and elderly folks. You can set a "white list" where only numbers you select will get through. No scammer will be able to call then. You can limit the internet and such. The person can have access to texts and calls from specific numbers, maybe games and a weather app if they want. My MIL who does not have dementia recently nearly fell for a phone scam. It sure sounded like the fraud department of her credit union, concerned about fraudulent activity on her account and wanting her to confirm some things so they could "lock it down." Instead they were trying to do some kind of bank transfer. She's a smart cognitively normal person and got deep into this conversation before figuring it out. The risk is real and you can't take chances. Part of being a POA/caregiver is sometimes being the bad guy. Our loved one gets mad at us, but our job is to protect them and sometimes we have to do things they don't like.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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