Caregiver who is a nurse

debscohenrn · July 14

Hi,

This is my first post. My mom has dementia that has progressed to moderate. She is very stubborn and becomes belligerent if she does not get her way. She does not realize that she has memory issues and doesn’t understand why we are not allowing her to be alone. She is refusing to shower because she thinks she showers every day when in fact it has been a month. The hard part for me is I am a Complex care Nurse care manger, I work with adult children of parents with dementia every day. None of the strategies I teach work with my mom. Are there any other nurses here that feel like complete failures because they can't handle their own family member?

Thanks for listening

Deb

ronda b · July 14

I've taken care of my mom and dad, not with alz with other terminal disease. They were the hardest pt. I have ever taken care of. I was a nurse 30 years. Non of the tricks of the trade worked on them.

cdgbdr · July 14

I'm a master's prepared RN with an administrative specialty. It has helped but I don't have very high expectations after dealing with two parents and other family members with dementia. You do the best you can and don't beat yourself up over lack of perfection. This is hard.

SDianeL · 4:05AM

welcome. I’m not a nurse but I learned so much from this online community. The best advice I got here was “you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken” and I repeated that daily many times. She’s not being stubborn, it’s the disease. If you haven’t done so, read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which was recommended to me by a nurse. It explains why they don’t shower. Armed with that info I got my DH to shower twice a week by telling him it was our shower day annd getting his shower ready. Put a seat in the shower annd an hand held shower wand. Turn on the water. Get everything ready. Also look online for caregiving videos for dementia. Tam Cummings has some excellent ones and practical tips. People with dementia tend to take out their agitation on their primary caregivers. It’s harder when it’s your loved one. Come here often for support or to vent.

JulietteBee · 4:37AM

@debscohenrn

I am an R.N. I have been since the 80s. My DM with supposed "MILD" cognitive impairment is my hardest, and worse, patient yet. Nothing I have been taught, or used, works with her. In our case, I think this saying is most accurate. "Familiarity breeds contempt." I firmly believe that she still remembers she is the mother and I am the "child." As such, she argues with, and pushes back against, anything I suggest. Hugs!🫂

Caregiver who is a nurse

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