Caregiver who is a nurse

debscohenrn · July 14

Hi,

This is my first post. My mom has dementia that has progressed to moderate. She is very stubborn and becomes belligerent if she does not get her way. She does not realize that she has memory issues and doesn’t understand why we are not allowing her to be alone. She is refusing to shower because she thinks she showers every day when in fact it has been a month. The hard part for me is I am a Complex care Nurse care manger, I work with adult children of parents with dementia every day. None of the strategies I teach work with my mom. Are there any other nurses here that feel like complete failures because they can't handle their own family member?

Thanks for listening

Deb

ronda b · July 14

I've taken care of my mom and dad, not with alz with other terminal disease. They were the hardest pt. I have ever taken care of. I was a nurse 30 years. Non of the tricks of the trade worked on them.

cdgbdr · July 14

I'm a master's prepared RN with an administrative specialty. It has helped but I don't have very high expectations after dealing with two parents and other family members with dementia. You do the best you can and don't beat yourself up over lack of perfection. This is hard.

SDianeL · 4:05AM

welcome. I’m not a nurse but I learned so much from this online community. The best advice I got here was “you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken” and I repeated that daily many times. She’s not being stubborn, it’s the disease. If you haven’t done so, read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which was recommended to me by a nurse. It explains why they don’t shower. Armed with that info I got my DH to shower twice a week by telling him it was our shower day annd getting his shower ready. Put a seat in the shower annd an hand held shower wand. Turn on the water. Get everything ready. Also look online for caregiving videos for dementia. Tam Cummings has some excellent ones and practical tips. People with dementia tend to take out their agitation on their primary caregivers. It’s harder when it’s your loved one. Come here often for support or to vent.

JulietteBee · 4:37AM

@debscohenrn

I am an R.N. I have been since the 80s. My DM with supposed "MILD" cognitive impairment is my hardest, and worse, patient yet. Nothing I have been taught, or used, works with her. In our case, I think this saying is most accurate. "Familiarity breeds contempt." I firmly believe that she still remembers she is the mother and I am the "child." As such, she argues with, and pushes back against, anything I suggest. Hugs!🫂

SusanB-dil · 12:02PM

Hi debscohenrn - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason. I am not a nurse, but mom was. We think this may have made her more aware of what was happening than most.

Each of our LO's is very different. What may 'work' for one, may be totally off-base for someone else. Your mom has anosognosia. This is not denial, but rather, the perception that everything is fine in their world, and everybody else is just there to aggravate them.

SDianeL is correct - read up on the shower issue. We have quite the issue with MIL.

You are NOT a 'failure'. Just find the method that works best for your mom.

Rule #1: Do not argue with a PWD. Rule #1: Must take care of yourself. Rule #2: See rule #1, both of them!

debscohenrn · 12:34PM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/248129#Comment_248129

@JulietteBee That is so true, she reminds me all the time that I am the daughter, and she is the mother. She has always been a difficult person and is resistant to any caregiver. My father knows he needs help care for her but is resistant to giving up even the most menial tasks. This means they hire someone, the person has nothing to do, my mom feels like they are staring at her which means she sits there brooding, while my dad complains that he is paying for someone to just sit around.

debscohenrn · 12:41PM

@SusanB-dil wow , I knew the concept of anosognosia, but had no idea it actualy had a name. thanks so much. I found an article and sent it to my dad and brother.

harshedbuzz · 12:58PM

@debscohenrn

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

I think the reality of your predicament is that, in this context, you are not the highly trained and experienced professional you are elsewhere, you are a mere daughter. Same as the rest of us. It could also be that many of the strategies you're offering client families are as successful for them as you are now finding they are for you. Many is the instance I rolled my eyes at the advice of well-meaning experts— dad was extra.

Your mom seems very like my dad. He had a difficult personality prior to dementia which just seemed to enhance those challenging traits. Pre-dementia, dad had been meticulous in his grooming— he showered and changed clothes before work, after his near daily round of golf and then before bed. When the middle stages of dementia hit, he believed he, too, was showering as was his custom. I recall visiting on New Years Day to find him wearing the remnants of Christmas brunch in his beard and on his tee. My mom was beyond upset about this. When I pointed out he was wearing the same shirt he looked at me and said "I've laundered it". This from a man who I had never seen do any household task like cleaning or cooking in the 60 years I knew him.

Mom really struggled with this. He would usually take a shower ahead of a doctor's appointment, so that sometimes would work. She even spilled things on him to force a change of clothing at times which is not a great plan but she was desperate.

This is a great video. I didn't find it until after he had passed. That's Teepa Snow— she's as close as there is to a Dementia Whisperer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jk-sPq0-sQ4

HB

Caregiver who is a nurse

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