The past three weekends have been so draining

Penn34 · August 17

For the last three weekends, including today, my mom's dementia has been at a 7, on a scale of 1 to 10. She's been a mix of emotional and delusional, rehashing the past with my deceased Dad of 13 years, forgetting where she put things she either put down or things of hers I keep in my room, or crying about how she wants to see my Dad, feels like a burden, or wants to travel somewhere (fyi I don't drive, she drives short distances & can't fly for health reasons).

Two weeks ago, I had to lock myself in my room for a few hours because I feared for my personal safety, as she had physically threatened me & kicked me out the house in the middle of the night in early March (this is how we ended up getting her diagnoised with a UTI and eventually dementia). I left my room once I heard her leave the house; she came back from shopping like nothing happened.

These past 3 weekends have been so emotionally draining and I barely have any time to recover before I have to settle into the work week.

I don't want any advice, just to vent. In the process of trying to get extra help as a caregiver & possibly finding my mom a therapist.

lisn2cats · August 17

Vent away! I used to scream in my car on my way to work but now I treat myself to a spa day (massage, facial, mani & pedi) once a month because I deserve it (and screaming hurt). Glad you found this space to let loose!

SDianeL · August 17

sorry about your Mom. I know you said you didn’t want advice but a couple of things struck me about your post. 1) Your Mom should no longer be driving. If she has an accident she could be sued. They will get her medical records. She could injure herself or someone else or worse. 2) she needs anti anxiety meds, or needs them adjusted if she’s already on them. Call her doctor asap. 3) next time you are afraid, call 911 and have them take her to the hospital and admitted to Geriatric Psyche Ward. They will put her on meds to calm her. Your life could be in danger. Her brain is broken and she doesn’t know what she is saying or doing and doesn’t remember any of it. Please don’t delay.

amynolla · August 17

My mom lives with me and I understand being emotionally drained too. You are not alone.

Penn34 · August 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/250820#Comment_250820

I appreciate your concern but I've already been handling this my own way. At the suggestion of my older sister, I've upped the frequency of a calming tincture my sister provided that I've been secretly putting in her drinking water. She is not on anti-anxiety meds but takes a lot of meds for other health issues like diabetes and cholesterol.

As for my mom not driving anymore, that isn't an option because she is Asian and eats different foods from me that only she knows how to get from our local Asian grocers. Not to mention, she would be totally cut off from the outside world because she only goes out to grocery shop and has no friends. There is no one nearby that can drive her (my sister lives out of state but tries to visit every month and my brother lives in the state but lives far from us and isn't reliable).

ARIL · August 23

I am sorry you are having such a tough time and at such a young age. This disease is awful, and no wonder you are angry that your mom is suffering from it.

Just one more note about your mom’s driving: this is very dangerous. Some people on this forum have said that their insurance companies wouldn’t cover an accident if a person with a dementia diagnosis was driving. You will want to check your mom’s coverage. Beyond money and lawsuits, the more important thing is that your mom could harm or kill herself or someone else—that would be bad in so many ways.

I don’t know what sort of “brain tincture” you are using: if it has sedative properties, that could also impede driving responses. Perhaps someone could take her to the Asian grocery? Or maybe they would deliver? Or use Lyft or Uber? Please don’t reject this as a problem out of hand: driving really is a danger to your mom and everybody else on the road.

I hope the house in VA comes along quickly and that the move will be good for everybody.

Penn34 · August 24

I will suggest we start taking Ubers to Aaian stores and restaurants, but if she doesn't want to, then I can't force the issue. I go with her almost every time she goes out driving, to make sure she doesn't get lost. I wish they did deliever but they don't.

sdgz · August 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/251464#Comment_251464

I'm dreading this upcoming conflict of telling my mom she needs to stop driving. We're in the process of solidifying medical and financial POA while she's able to go along voluntarily, but no parent wants their kid giving orders (even when that's not what's really happening).

Is there anyone your mother listens to? I'm so glad that our specialist seems to have a place of valid authority in my mom's POV, because now she's been cooperating with things I've been trying to get her to do for months. My mom is very private and fiercely independent, but still pleasant and overall realistic about what's to come. If her daughter tells her something, it's an opinion. If her doctor tells her the same thing, it's the word of God. I don't care how it gets done.

Penn34 · 6:37AM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/251651#Comment_251651

"Is there anyone your mother listens to?"

If she sincerely listened to anyone, my sister and I wouldn't have to be so hush-hush about trying to get POA done without my mom realizing what POA will do. We also wouldn't have to sneak calming tincture in my mom's drinking water when my mom isn't looking.

My mom is stubborn as hell, even with her doctor. Years prior to dementia being an issue, she barely did any lab work and didn't even consider getting counseling to deal with her grief even when her old doctor recommended it. It's why I'm dreading telling her she has a therapy session soon; I had to make the appointment in secret b/c she has an old fashioned view about therapy.

I am going to tell my sister that I think our mom should stop driving, but whether or not my mom will agree is a toss-up. Like you said, no parent likes their kid telling them what to do and my mom has soundly proven this. It took us a couple months just for my sister and I to convince my mom to drink plenty of water. I think she only listened b/c my sister annoyed the hell of her about the issue by buying 2-3 refillable water bottles.

weareallunique · 1:10PM

"I am going to tell my sister that I think our mom should stop driving, but whether or not my mom will agree is a toss-up"

Asking her to agree not to drive , remember she agreed and not want to revisit the issue when triggered are difficult to impossible for many PWD. That level thinking - that a car accident would be financially, physically and "morally" bad [causing preventable injury] is just beyond most of them .

Once you have the right legal powers then you can sell the car , saying it was recalled or something - out of sight , out of mind .

[I did a quick search for calming tincture - some can contain alcohol as a base to extract the herbs - suggest you show her Doctor the bottle to be sure the tincture while "calming" doesn't clash with her disease meds or cause her brain issues to decay faster- the Doctor may be able to suggest safer options with same or better results.]

Penn34 · 6:00PM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/251703#Comment_251703

So while I think she should stop driving, I highly doubt my mom is going to agree to. I fought with my mom this morning when I offerred to take an Uber to Walmart to grocery shop. She said I was trying to keep her locked up in the house, even when I pointed out her driving anxiety. She is in a bad enough mood that she made me feel unappreciated for this and for cutting up and cooking zucchini for her. I don't care if it's because of her dementia mood swings; it still sucks and exacerbates my mental health issues. At least, she seems to have decided not to go anywhere today.

The past three weekends have been so draining

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