Ready to throw the towel in

Pmmommie · September 21

Brief update: Dad was diagnosed 3+ years ago with VD and onset Alz. He has now been in ASL for 6 months and discussions are being made for the move toward MC. I'm his POA. I've posted about his 2 sisters resisting any directives made by me and they have been sent a cease and desist letter 3 months ago but, still manage to call him and leave messages since their numbers are blocked. He goes thru his call log and actually calls them himself. Now fast forward.

His house is nearly ready for if and when he comes home. We are in discussions about overnights during the upcoming holidays. I have already lined up nurses and aides as required by his doctors. I've worked hard to make his house adaptable and secure and have kept him in the loop as far as different decisions with colors and smaller aspects. He has visited the house at least twice a month and has spoken to the contractor twice.

Tonight, it all blew up in my face and I don't know what to do or how to respond. I'm truly at wits end and can feel the breakdown coming. While going thru his phone and clearing out his random messages and call logs as usual, I came across a text from his best friend. She is as close to the love of his life as one can get. She was actually the secondary POA but, had to remove herself due to medical reasons. She is a former Nursing home and Memory Care worker whose husband passed from complications of DM and her father also. She claims to be the Dementia expert and we've had great conversations for years along with compliments from her on the care I've given him.The text simple said that how dare I put his phone on DND and ban her calls (which I have not) and if she cannot get thru to him in thwe next day that she would be contacting an Elder Lawyer and look at abuse charges against me. She also said that she knows the system and still knows higher upos and what I'm doing by banning her and others is out right Elder Abuse and it will be stopped. I'm sick. I called her after reading this text that was dated late August. I heard claims against me that tore me up. Apparently, the incident with the sisters was all started with Dad. The sisters didn't walk to his house uninvited, Dad asked them to go in and take pictures since he said he hadn't been into the house. He has also told her that he is really upset over all the color choices and doesn't know where all his money is going with all these renovations. He is also complaining a bout not seeing his sisters and says that he's being kept away from his family and friends. Each time, I tried to correct her she became angrier and claimed that I was calling her a liar and I had better watch myself. She said she's only and Dad's said and doesn't want to become involved in my lies. She doesn't believe a word I've said as far as the house and visitors. She doesn't believe a word about the sisters because he told her it made him angry how the incident was handled. She also has said that she would have lost her job as well as any other staff that had denied a visit from any friend or family member. By law she said, no one with the exception of the LO can request a person not visit. That was disgusting of me to do and I should be ashamed of myself. Dad should be able to see whom ever he pleases because now he only has his memories of the past and doesn't know of any wrong doing. They have done no wrong. Every thing I spoke on was a lie accoring to her. The accusations where ridiculous. I have only requested no contact fro the sisters. I've always directed his friends and family to visit anytime. Dad knows I will take him anywhere he wants or needs. I'm in shock. I left Dad's tonight in tears not knowing how to explain to him why I'm upset.

Am I wrong in all of this? I don't know where to turn. If she's a DM expert, shouldn't she know that their stories change and are inconsistant? Do I really have to invite the sisters back in? I know the truth. But now, I feel like I'm letting Dad down and am waiting for someone to come in and take over. I can't depend on Dad to say anything in my defense. I can't afford the legal process again as Guardianship can run upwards of $10K according to our attorneys. Anybody???

H1235 · September 21

So sorry you are going through this. There are always a few in the family/friends that just don’t get it. I have 3 people. Thankfully only my brother makes my life miserable. The family friend told me what I was doing was wrong and that my dad( who has passed) would be ashamed of me. Other than that one time I don’t hear from her and she rarely visits mom. My uncle doesn’t understand but generally keeps his opinions to himself. I know how hard it can be to deal with difficult family and hurtful accusations. The stress is so overwhelming.

It seems you have more trouble makers than anyone deserves. As DPOA are you doing everything by the book? Saving every receipt, recording everything that is done and why. Have you saved doctor recommendations and diagnostic information? Have all of these crazy visits been documented? You probably should have saved the text as evidence( hindsight). Have you shown the lawyer your method for documenting finances and does he have any concerns? You should check with the lawyer, but I would think the cost of the lawyer would come from your dads money. I’m suggesting all this because you may find yourself in court defending your decisions and you want to be able to do that with actual evidence. I wonder if she is just all talk about contacting a lawyer. Could she be experiencing some symptoms of dementia herself? If your dad has money for 24/7 in home care and the financial ability to make home renovations I assume he may have some wealth. Unfortunately money tends to bring out the worst in people.
I have to say I don’t really understand why you would bring him back to his house. Having him help with colors choices and other decisions seems like it would be too much(confusing) for a person with dementia. My mom would have been confused and upset if she were taken to visit her house regularly. Are you planning for 24/7 care when he moves back home? Personally I think a facility is able to offer more activities and interactions with people his own age. That being said I don’t know your situation and it is a personal call. As long as he receives the care he needs. I don’t want to suggest that this is anything that could be use against you regarding the difficult family and friends. I would make sure that once he is moved all in home aids know who is allowed to visit and what to do if unwelcome visitors show up.
What a mess! Like all of this isn’t hard enough anyway. I hope all goes well.

Anonymousjpl123 · September 21

I would say that it is worth meeting with an elder care attorney if you haven’t already to be sure you are protecting yourself and your dad. I found it very helpful to have an attorney nearby even though he really just did our DPOA, will, etc.

Just knowing you have consulted with someone about the legal ins and outs may give you piece of mind. If money is a concern, you may get help through the department on aging.

It’s not that you want to get into a legal battle, but you don’t need to “fly blind,” if you will. Emotions in these situations can run high. Also call the Alz hotline whenever you need them. They can help.

Pmmommie · September 22

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254093#Comment_254093

I'll detail further for you in hopes this help a little more. Dad is a Vetren who is at the 70% disability status. HIs aides, nursing care and part of the renovations are covered by the VA. Dad does have a large investment account which he draws from for his MC facility care as the VA will only cover MC or skilled nursing homes within their network.

Prior to Dad being placed, his Doctors recommended 24 hour nursing care or AL. With the reno as the excuse for him to "find an apartment". As luck would have it kinda, Dad had to be taken to the ER due to a rage incident resulting from a med change. The VA kept him there while I found "his apartment".

I'm pretty sure the sister thing is about his money. I'm really bothered and quite puzzled by his Best Friend. I'm just getting so streesed out over the conflicting stories and information I'm hearing. Our attorney isn't going to help unless I file Guardianship and also give him a $2000 retainer. He dealt with the first sister incident and he didn't handle it well by putting all the blame on me and wouldn't listen to a word I said. He was just extremely angry because his office was overwhelmed with calls from the sisters about Dad's care and being in the dark and not trusting me, etc. The phone calls had become beyond harrassing. You can read my last post about siblings on this board.

As far as involving him in the reno, I take him to the house when the questions arise or I hear about any discontent. I'm trying to folowing the drs advice and limit his visits in order to not overwhelm him or send him on a tailspin. As the Drs have told me, he no longer sees that as his home. I'm just trying to show proof that he as in fact been there and he has seen it. I have little hope that he will be home anytime soon for longer than an afternoon. I'm using the Drs guidance and recommendations.

I did place calls into the Obdsman to ask general POA questions in regards to Dad and visitors. I also called the Help line and they gave me some resources for Legal Aide and suggested the facilities' Social Worker or even having a Mediation session involving his current social worker, the facilities Wellness Director and his DR. along with concerned family members. I don't think I could handle that truthfully.

JulietteBee · September 22

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254165#Comment_254165

I am confused.

"I'm trying to folowing the drs advice and limit his visits in order to not overwhelm him or send him on a tailspin. As the Drs have told me, he no longer sees that as his home."

If his doctor advises to limit his visits AND that he no longer views his house as home, why are you taking him there TWICE per month?

He does not need to speak with contractors, not make any decisions re its renovation.

I moved my mom into an IL last fall. Since leaving, her house had a massive flood, ruining just about everything.

As her DPOA, I had to get to work. I did not consult with mom regarding which contractor to use. I also never consulted her about type of flooring to replace her carpet with, or type of vanities to place in her 2 bathrooms.

THAT was MY responsibility, not hers.

troubledone · September 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74153/ready-to-throw-the-towel-in

I'm not happy to read what you're going through, but it helps me immeasurably to know that others are struggling so much just like me with my mom. I'm praying for you too, and your dad, just as I'm praying for me, and my mom.

Pmmommie · September 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254222#Comment_254222

While I understand that it is my responsibility to make sure the house is completed and necessary work is done, I'm finding it challenging to appease Dad. I just discussed this with the Drs with him being present since his latest priogression has me confused. Sometimes, I have trouble redirecting or distracting. His care team is great for putting me down the correct path. When he asks. I answer. I keep taking him to his house becasue he asks what's going on with it. He wants to make sure it's safe for when I, then he moves back in. His visitors ask about his house and aboiut how it's coming. I make sure to have pictures on his phone easily avalable to see.

I made a call in reagrds to a text from his best friend whom I have personally known for 20+ years. I've never heard a negative sentance out of her mouth. After her attack, I felt the need to take Dad to the house and meet up with the contractor. I recorded the whole walkthrough and took pictures of the specific areas that I got chewed out over. The ones that according to her, He was angry over. She said enought to ruffle my feathers in more ways than one. It was because of that conversation that I came to this board. I just wanted some advice or maybe to bend an ear or maybe just someone to listen to me.

I'm new to this and am taking Dad's overall being day by day. Deep down I guess I feel like I'm letting him down or disappoiinting him in some way. That's been an issue all while growing up. To hear his friend, that's exactly what I'm doing.

JulietteBee · September 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254494#Comment_254494

I am very sorry you are going through all that you are. I really am.

Sadly, I believe that you believe you are dealing with a rationale mind. Your dad is no longer able to make rationale decisions and should not be given choices, as they only serve to confuse him.

I am an only child. I have no one to be a sounding board for me, except this forum, do I understand.

What I have learned, and what I see with my own DM, is that there will be no pleasing them. Depending on who they speak with and on what side of the coin that person falls, my mom is easily swayed from understanding my actions, to accepting theirs.

I rented out mom's house so she would have a passive stream of income. That was a decision SHE made with myself, my husband, and adult child.

She later spoke with her brother-in-law who told her that renting is a hassle and she should sell.

She came back to me and said she doesn't want to rent the house. She.wants to "Sell and get rid of it." As her DPOA and her caregiver, I realized she was waffling because of his comment.

If your dad ask about the house. Tell him the renovations are proceeding nicely and give him a broad eta. When YOU go by the house, take pictures so you can show him. He does not need to go there.

After my mom's renovations were done was the only time I took her by the house to see it.

Keep in mind, ppl will talk, whether you do good, or whether you do poorly. Do not let his friends or family bully you into concessions.

If you have all the legal powers given to a DPOA, you have nothing to fear.

Ready to throw the towel in

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