memory care bail out

Well I thought I had done it. I placed my DH, probably early stage 6, in a local memory care facility. I had looked at every likely place and decided this one was the best. No health department citations, many many positive reviews. Chickens and bunnies. I had visited 4 times. It has lots of activities, though I knew he would not do most of them (painting,crafts, coloring, whatever). I ordered the bed and dresser, had them delivered, had my granddaughter help me set up, took clothes, linens, personal things, medication, and then drove him to the parking lot where i told him he was going to stay in this assisted living place for a while until I got various medical issues straightened out.

They told me that the chaplain/pianist would be with him that day; eventually she was and I left him at an organ recital, totally confused and very sad.

I wasn't allowed to visit for the first week; the reports, not very frequent, were that he was sobbing and asking for me, waking at night asking for me. No reports over the weekend (( had placed him on a wednesday). No call on Monday. When I did call late that day, she said I should come visit wednesday and that he was still asking for me.

i did visit, for another 5-6 days. He sobbed and hung on to me the first two days; later a bit less of that; totally confused about where I was living, why he was there. One day they told me he had blood in his urine; when I checked his depends there was dried blood and it was slightly dirty and hadn't been changed; no urinalysis for 4 days. He's on Eliquis, so that may have caused it. He fell three times the second week, one clearly at night with no one coming because there was blood all over his sheet (eliquis makes you bleed). His walking had totally deteriorated because he had to use a walker (their fear of him falling because he has bad knees and walks very unsteadily). Also deteriorated because of no exercise.

The facility has very caring staff, much going on, and many people seemed content enough.

The food was deplorable, but my husband never complains about food (or anything else).

I was sad and weepy all the time, hated visiting him because of how sad he was and how not suited this place was for him (too noisy, crowded). One day I found him sitting in his too cold room in shorts and a skimpy T shirt with someone else's lap blanket wrapped around him.

So I wrote a 30 day notice, a check for the next month's rent, and picked him up. Now that he's home again and so happy to be here, I have to deal with his decreased mobility and the lack of activities for him, but I've hired more caregiver time for me and we shall see. There are several really good small home complexes near me where I didn't place him because of lack of activities, but when he is much more out of it, those are options.

For some of us, the traditional memory care model may only be an option if we are in such dire physical or mental straits we can't do it any more, and if we don't have too high expectations. Neither of those applied to me. I will keep you posted about how I'm coping🙄