Should I move my mom?

Theresamary1 · September 29

Hello, My mom is in a memory unit of an assisted living facility. She is nearly 98 years old, wheelchair bound, and can still have basic conversations. The details are below but to make a long story short, they sent my mom to the ER without an aid and without informing me. The details: The other morning I got a call from her assisted living facility, and in the message, the nurse said there was "a change in my mom's status" and to call but it was nothing urgent. I didn't see the message for three hours. I couldn't get a hold of the nurse but called my mom's floor and the aide she fell but was okay. My mom called me a couple of times and was saying odd things, and when I asked to speak to the aide, a nurse got on and said she was in the hospital. They sent my mom to the hospital alone and never followed up on the initial call. I'm livid. It is a miracle nothing happened. Only the manager of the memory care unit seemed really distressed. I just moved her to the facility because it is close to me. She has been there for about three months. I thought the care was good but I don't think so now. I'm just afraid that the care won't be better elsewhere and she can't really afford another facility near me. I'm an only child and the only person that cares for her. I just don't know what to do. They said they were changing protocol to ensure that someone reaches me if she needs to go to hospital. But I can't believe the message's working and how there was no follow-up call, email, text etc. What would you do

H1235 · September 29

Welcome. I would be very very mad. My experience with assisted living is that they are very much just a bit of assistance. There is an expectation of a certain level of independence. Did they expect her to contact you. I’m surprised the hospital didn’t call. If their communication and organization is that messed up what kind of issues will you run into next. I would also be concerned about their laid back unconcerned approach. My moms Al didn’t even bother to make sure she took her medication. They would sometimes leave it on the counter in her room while she was playing bingo. Could it be that she may need a higher level of care? We moved mom to a nursing home and I expected her to go down hill. I have been surprised at how well she is doing. I think the trained, experienced staff make a huge difference.

terei · September 29

Poster did say she was in a MC unit. I have never heard of a facility sending an aid with someone who is going to the ER. I actually would question more why they sent her to the hospital without your express permission. Have you had her evaluated by hospice? I think I would have a discussion with the management + make sure they are fully aware of your expections + make sure they have a way of contacting you(text?) that you see immediately. I would keep an eye on things for awhile before I would consider a move. JMO

cdgbdr · September 29

I think I would have very frank and clear conversations with the mgmt staff and a specific plan for reaching you. Moving is so difficult, I would put them on notice and let them know you are very serious.

Theresamary1 · September 29

Thank you.

sandwichone123 · September 30

A few months after I moved my dh to memory care this happened to me. I got the message a little sooner than you did, and met him in the ER, but it was the same story. In his case, they had shipped him out for a pre-existing condition he already had medication ordered for, but they forgot.

Unless someone is on hospice, they will always send to the hospital whenever they feel like it because it was "an emergency and they couldn't get hold of you." I wouldn't move her because of this because any facility may do it. I was very firm with my facility and they haven't done it again, but of course the time, stress and $$ of the hospital is 100% on the family.

towhee · September 30

I do not know of a single assisted living, memory care, or even skilled nursing facility, that will send an aide with a resident to the hospital. They simply do not have the staff. I did hear once that an extremely expensive CCRC here, that has their own home health company, let you pay extra for a program that would send an aide to sit in the hospital, but it would take several hours for them to arrange it.

Communication, whether staff to staff or staff to family, was sometimes a problem no matter where we were. In our second facility, we were not notified when LO was sent to hospital. They said we had not provided an emergency contact when we filled out the paperwork. It was not worth arguing about. We just made sure that it would not happen again.

Here, they left you a message. They might have a policy about what they can say in a text or voice mail. The person who left you the message was not the one you spoke to later and she probably had no idea what the first person had said. It is possible that the shift had changed. Do impress upon them that this cannot happen again.

It leaves you with a horrible feeling when bad things happen and you cannot make everything perfect, I know. I wish you peace.

Pmmommie · October 2

I'm now in a similar situation and am considering moving facilities. Too many runs in the stockings as you would say.

1 - I received a call from their Wellness director asking if I knew Dad was out of his med packs. ( I place his meds in pods separated day and Night for the entire month. He hadn't been given meds in 3 days!

2 - He went "missing" and I was called 2 hours after the fact. I pulled up to thef acility and it was swarmed with Police and an ambulance. The Director had just arrived as they had called him before they called me.

3 - Phone call @ 7:15 am informing me that Dad again was out of his meds. I had just filled them. They couldn't locate them and he hadn't been given any for 2 days. They are in a lock box in his room and only myself and staff have a key.

4 - Final straw?? A neghbor resident of Dad's passed away leaving his 14 year old Yorkie. The dog was not well cared for and wasn't even housebroken. His hygiene was neglected and he smelled so bad that even out doors, his odor was highly noticable. His nails weren't clipped which made his walk nealy impossible. His family offerd the dog up to Dad without hesitation and told him it would be temporary. No contact info was given to me at all. How do you give your Dog to an individual who already has a dog that's cared for by me? I had to take over caring for his dog because he couldn't. How do you do that? The facility didn't even have any contact info or even any informatiomn of this "transaction".I'm afraid of what he's going to do when they come to pick the dog up this week.

So, I do understand. Keep notes. I've brought in helpers for Dad. His VA benefits cover so many hours. It's been a Godsend. Mean while, I'm looking.

harshedbuzz · October 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/255092#Comment_255092

OMG. This is some next-level poor care.

Theresamary1 · October 13

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/255092#Comment_255092

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/254905#Comment_254905

psg712 · October 14

Late to the party here but wanted to leave a couple of thoughts. If you have been satisfied with the facility up to the point of your mom going to the hospital, I would hesitate to move her unless this happens again. Yes, meet in person with the director and make it very clear that if they try to reach you and get your voice mail, they must 1. Leave a detailed message about what happened and where she is, and 2. Continue to call you every 15 minutes until they reach you. It would be good to give them a backup number, even if it's a neighbor or coworker, of someone who can physically locate you if you don't answer your phone on repeated calls.

If the facility is good, they will respond attentively to your concerns. If your mom has been there only a few months, the staff is still getting to know her and her abilities. It is good that she is near you. I agree with others who have said that no facilities have staff to accompany residents to the ER. Also that they will often send someone to the hospital after a fall even when there appears to be no injury - they don't want the liability of not sending her and there being a bad consequence of the fall later. I've asked my mom's MC to call me first before sending her, but they still call 911 first. They are overall very attentive to her needs, know her well after 3 years, and are only 10 minutes from me. Worth working through the occasional communication problem.

ARIL · October 14

I know the challenges of being the only child and the only caretaker—and the worry that comes with all of that. At the same time I agree with @psg712. Care facilities do not typically send an aide to the hospital with a resident; they don’t have the staff. Are you satisfied with the care in general? Getting on the same page re communication is key. But even at that, things happen.

My parent in MC was sent to the hospital once this summer. The nurse did call me, and I was able to pick up right away and get to the hospital within an hour. That whole experience clarified what additional paperwork we needed to have in place—but there is no guarantee the facility will always send it with him to the hospital. They say they will, but who knows?

In general, the care at this place (15 mins. from me) is good, and although I have my regular frustrations like laundry losses, I am trying to work with them. I moved my parent from another MC once already for lackadaisical care (though nowhere near as bad as what Pmmommie reported—wow!). Communication has been a challenge at both places, but this one is a lot better. They are attentive to him and more or less cooperative with me.

Hope things work out for you and your mom.

Theresamary1 · October 14

Thanks all. I've decided to leave my mom in the facility for now. They have promised to keep calling me until someone actually reaches me if my mom needs to go to the hospital again. Hopefully it won't happen but if it does, I hope they follow through on their pledge. Thanks again for all the insights. This isn't easy, as you all know.

Should I move my mom?

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