Living with my grandmother as a 30 year, how do I make my own life?

mmm1214 · October 15

Hello, I am 30 years old and live with and care for my 90-year-old grandmother full-time while working as a high school counselor. Long story short, my mom is a narcissist and comes up with 100 excuses on why she can't help me. She lives about an hour away and visits 1-2x a week and only takes her out to lunch, never offers to pick up her prescription, chores, ect.. I moved in with my grandmother 8 years ago to attend graduate school before her dementia really set in. Gradually, I started to take over the bills, cleaning, ect. Due to bills, I can't afford my own apartment. My grandmother has been declining and I come home from work and go right into caregiving mode until I go to bed, and even then, in the middle of the night, sometimes she will need me.
Has anyone experienced a similar situation? How were you able to create your own life? I'm in therapy and I'm exercising and doing all the things to help my mindset, but I just feel really stuck and resentful at my mom and starting to at my grandmother for depending on me for everything. Are there any younger caregivers out there feeling similarly?

LaurenW020 · October 17

Hi OP,

I’m only 23 and am dealing with a similar situation. Ever since I moved home from my last semester of college in December 2024, I’ve become basically a full time caregiver for my 78 year old grandmother with severe dementia. I work part time at a retail store, so many times she’s left alone, and when I come home she’s upset and complaining to me. I live with my mom (her daughter) but she works a full time 9-5 job, and also goes out twice a week. So it’s hard to find time when my mom and I aren’t working to relax and take time for ourselves.

My grandma used to pay half the bills and take care of most of the cooking, cleaning, etc. Now, that all falls on my mom and I. We were even evicted from our last home because my grandma’s dementia made her forget to pay the rent. What’s even more infuriating is my grandma has two other grown children who refuse to help or contribute to her care, and her brother who refuses to help either.

SDianeL · October 18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74355/living-with-my-grandmother-as-a-30-year-how-do-i-make-my-own-life

welcome. Sorry about your grandmother. Sadly many caregivers are in your position. Not having help from family members is all too common. Have you talked to an elder care attorney about placing your grandmother in a memory care facility? You could still be her primary caregiver just in a different role. One of the members of this forum wrote and posted about not getting help. It’s titled “The Cavalry Isn’t Coming” here’s the link to it. https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71052/the-cavalry-is-not-coming-9-year-edition/p1

SDianeL · October 18

welcome. I just answered the original post and copied it for you. Sorry about your grandmother. Sadly many caregivers are in your position. Not having help from family members is all too common. Have you talked to an elder care attorney about placing your grandmother in a memory care facility? You could still be her primary caregiver just in a different role. One of the members of this forum wrote and posted about not getting help. It’s titled “The Cavalry Isn’t Coming” here’s the link to it. https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71052/the-cavalry-is-not-coming-9-year-edition/p1

Living with my grandmother as a 30 year, how do I make my own life?

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