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Memory care guilt

Bwenzel100
Bwenzel100 Member Posts: 2
5 Care Reactions First Comment
Member
in Caring for a Parent
My mom was driving and living alone 3 years ago and now can barely walk with a walker, has total incontinence, can't dress herself, and is furious I put her on memory care, where im sure frightens her because she sees her future there. I am overwhelmed with guilt over this decision. It was my decision alone because my family basically backed out and told me to do what I think is right. Shes got a beautiful room in a beautiful facility but it is like a morgue in there. She was not getting the care she needed on the ALF side though and they let her outside by herself. Feeling awful and can't shake it but dont know what else I could have done. She is slipping more by the week, right now more physically than mentally. Anyone else see that trend?
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  • JulietteBee
    JulietteBee Member Posts: 305
    100 Care Reactions 100 Likes 100 Comments 25 Insightfuls Reactions
    Member

    While I understand the guilt, lose it! You have done NOTHING to your mom.🌷

    Dementia caused her need to be in a MC facility. Dementia is causing her physical regression. Dementia, and dementia alone, has everything to be guilty about.

  • Colacho10
    Colacho10 Member Posts: 47
    10 Comments 5 Likes 5 Insightfuls Reactions
    Member

    It is not a small decision, and it is normal to feel guilt. It is hard, but try to remember that moving her to memory care will keep her safe and ensure she gets the care she needs.

    It is common for the physical decline to sometimes outpace the mental changes in the later stages of dementia. You did the best you could for her, given the circumstances

  • psg712
    psg712 Member Posts: 584
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    Member

    MC will be safer for her than AL at this stage. It is hard, but you are doing your best to care for her. Hugs. Lots of us here can relate to your feelings.

  • April23
    April23 Member Posts: 24
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    Member

    Oh goodness, this could be me saying everything you just said but about my dad (except, luckily, he's never angry with me, but other family members have been).

    We are 2 years in MC now, he is starting to become incontinent and walking is getting harder. Definitely seeing the disease manifest physically now also.

    Someone on this forum once said something to the effect of "When we have to choose between keeping our LO's safe or happy, we have to choose safe." I have never forgotten that and think of it often. I know if my dad was able, he would tell me I'm doing the right thing.

    Sometimes, there are just no good choices. But our LO's safety must always come first. Just remember, you are doing the right thing for your mom and if she could, she would agree.

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 2,462
    1,000 Care Reactions 1,000 Likes 500 Insightfuls Reactions 1000 Comments
    Member

    yes, in later stages they decline both mentally and physically. So sorry. You did the right thing moving her to MC. They are better trained to care for PWDs 24/7. You didn’t do this to her, you did it for her to keep her safe. We understand how you feel. Hugs. 💜

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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