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Alzheimer's & Alcoholism

hmercm
hmercm Member Posts: 1
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in I Am a Caregiver (General Topics)
My grandmother is a functioning alcoholic & just got diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She refused to have the all day testing done because she would rather sit at home and drink & she hasn't been deemed incompetent to make her own medical decisions so we can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do but they were able to run other tests to determine the diagnosis. Doctors have urged her to stop drinking but they're also afraid that since her body is so dependent on alcohol, if we restrict her drinking at this point, the withdrawals might kill her faster. My mom is her POA & she has severe caregiver burnout. I feel it trickling down to me because I'm having to be a caregiver for my grandmother & I am my mom's only support system. She has 3 siblings that don't help with anything at all. We have to practically beg them to come sit with her at the house, even for an hour. I can count on both hands how many times I've seen all 3 of them in the last 5 years, but they all have opinions on how we should care for her and excuses as to why they can't help. I understand everyone has their own lives, but this isn't some strange woman. This is their mother. The woman who raised them, gave them life and this is how they thank her. This is how they thank my mom who sold her home, changed careers, took a pay cut to come home and care for her aging parents, who was the only one who paid to get my grandfather cremated when he passed away. They stole money from my mom & grandmother & then blamed me for the family falling apart. It makes me so angry, mostly for my mom and grandmother. I want to cry every day. It's like grieving someone who is still alive & in your face. I try my best to best not to get frustrated or annoyed when she asks the same question every 30 seconds, and I find myself feeling so guilty when I do. I try to give myself grace but it's hard. She's starting to forget that the home she has lived in for over 30 years is hers. She wakes up and her room feels unfamiliar. She has made mention of walking to the liquor store or the bar which scares me. I feel like this disease is progressing so fast. My own life has suffered. I'm afraid to go to work anywhere in case she needs me. I don't know what to do, how to help, or where to start.
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  • H1235
    H1235 Member Posts: 2,326
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    Welcome. I can’t speak to the alcohol related dementia, but there is someone here with experience and I’m sure she will comment with some great information and insight. It is my understanding that a typical DPOA does not require the person to be declared incompetent before it is activated. It might be a good idea to pull it out and read it through. Don’t get me wrong there will still be obstacles even if the DPOA is in effect. A DPOA means your mom should act in your grandmas best interest. This does NOT mean she should do whatever your grandma wants. I’m guessing these things are totally different. Many with dementia have anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize their own symptoms or limitations. This is so difficult to deal with. Is she living alone? Based on your description it doesn’t sound like this is safe anymore. It sounds to me like it’s time to consider a facility. It sounds like she is going to bring both you and your mom down (for both physical and mental health) if things continue as is. I suspect the alcohol problem needs to be managed in some way before any kind of long term placement can be done. I have attached a staging tool, just because I have found it helpful. I hope you can find a solution.

    DBAT.pdf
  • Quilting brings calm
    Quilting brings calm Member Posts: 3,264
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    As the grandchild and step-child of alcoholics, I can totally understand her children distancing themselves. My siblings and step/siblings distanced themselves and left me to care for my mom and step-dad fur five years. Did I resent it, yes, but I understood it. We were all damaged by my step-dad’s alcoholism growing up. He eventually quit drinking but the damage was done. I was the eldest daughter to my mom and I felt duty bound to care for her, and therefore, him. They were married almost 60 years. I was the only child that became a truly responsible and functioning adult. So look at your grandmother’s and your mom’s siblings and consider that they just cannot deal with her in their lives. They could be barely functioning.

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 3,417
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    Welcome. Sorry about your Grandma. We understand what you are going through. Not much I can add except that some people here have watered down the alcohol gradually to get their loved off of at least some of it. If you haven’t done so, read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos. Come here often for info and support.

  • harshedbuzz
    harshedbuzz Member Posts: 6,931
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    ETA: Does your grandmother actually go to bars or the liquor store? Is she driving? With an Alzheimer's diagnosis, her car insurance likely won't cover any accident. Other folks in such places would quickly pick up on her cognitive issues and she'd be at risk of being taken advantage of financially. Rounds of drinks, loans, getting rolled— it's not a pretty world out there.

    You mentioned mom's siblings stealing. This, obviously, would be illegal if they took her money or property. Did you report this to local law enforcement? Financial abuse of the elderly is a special offense and should be reported to the police who will involve APS.

    HB

  • JDancer
    JDancer Member Posts: 613
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    I'm in a very similar situation with my husband. We have no children, so ir's siblings, nieces and nephews who have distanced themselves. It makes my job much harder, but I'm also so sad for my spouse. So sorry you have to deal with this. Dementia is a sad, lonely disease for all involved. I hope you find the people here as helpful and supportive as I have

    My spouse has never been a mean drunk but I worried about his alcohol consumption if he lost the ability to safely swallow liquids and needed to stop suddenly. Alcohol withdrawal can be fatal without treatment. I also thought he might eventually need medication that doesn't mix with alcohol.

    I've slowly reduced my spouse's alcohol consumption. For several months I put 6 beers in the fridge each day. He's able to walk and help himself but he doesn't leave the house. Many days he would want more and would become visibly anxious, but no other withdrawal symptoms. Then I replaced one beer with a non alcohol version. Weeks later, 5 beers per day. then replaced one with a non alcohol….He now drinks 3 per day, but only 2 have alcohol. Some days he seems to forget about them and doesn't drink all three. Maybe something like this would work for your grandmother. It was a long process, but it worked for us.

  • SaraJBotchie
    SaraJBotchie Member Posts: 1
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    Hello to everyone! I'm new to this group. My husband of 48 years is a functioning alcoholic. He had a wonderful 38-year career in the military as a jet mechanic, fighter pilot, and finally a KC-135 refueler aircraft. The culture of the military is to drink and to smoke. Fortunately, he never smoked. He's been diagnosed with vascular dementia because he would drink hard liquor all day long in a little water thermos. It finally caught up with him when he had 4 very bad falls to the head outside in our yard. He lives in an assisted living residence very close to our home. Today, he was happily moved to a larger apartment. After his move, he walked across the street to a CVS. At some point, he fell in the street. Fortunately, there was someone who saw him fall and helped him to get up. Otherwise, he would have possible hit by a car. I'm not quite sure how to handle this situation. I don't want to move him to memory care because he is a high functioning dementia person. The facility called me and said if he doesn't cross the street at the crosswalk, they will have to move him to memory care. This will kill him because, as I said, he is still highly functioning mentally. His physical stamina is weak and that's why he fell. He talks about exercising but never does it. I'm not sure what to do other than to tell him that he cannot go out to CVS on his own or he will have to move to memory care. The director of the facility is also going to talk with him and tell him the same thing. We've been happily married for 48 years. He's a wonderful husband except for the drinking. If anyone has any thoughts on how to tell him he cannot walk across the street unaccompanied, please let me know. Thank you! I feel your pain dealing with this situation. Jane, Tucson, AZ
  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 3,417
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    welcome Jane. Sorry for the reason you are here. You are responding to an older post. You will get more responses if you post this under Caring for a Spouse or Partner section and create a new post with subject . If your DH has vascular dementia that means he has short term memory loss. I doubt telling him not to go to CVS or telling him to cross at the crosswalk will work. Although he may be a high functioning alcoholic, his dementia causes him to not be able to reason. Most people with dementia don’t do well with physical therapy or exercising. They also have visual perception problems which may contribute to his falling. In my opinion he should be in memory care. The caregivers are better trained to care for PWDs, he won’t have access to alcohol and he won’t be able to leave on his own and wander off. His safety is the most important thing. As I learned here, you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken.

  • MN Chickadee
    MN Chickadee Member Posts: 1,030
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    I'm very sorry for what you are going through Sara. Care needs have to drive the decision making, and it sounds like he needs a locked unit which means memory care. He won't remember what he is and isn't supposed to do. Not only is memory compromised by dementia but also judgement. Is he currently sober or is he drinking? If not sober, how is he getting alcohol? If he is not sober, detoxing under the care of a physician is probably in order followed by memory care where he won't be able to get alcohol.

  • JPJardinel
    JPJardinel Member Posts: 69
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    The heavy burden you are carrying is real and extraordinary. You are supporting your mom, advocating for your grandmother, and managing complex co-occurring Alzheimer's and alcohol dependency all without the support of absent siblings who have added financial betrayal to your grief. Mourning someone who is still alive while handling constant repetition is exhausting, and feeling frustration does not mean you are failing; it means you care deeply.

    Because doctors are actively balancing withdrawal risks, you are navigating one of the hardest puzzles in dementia care. To keep from burning out entirely, start by supporting your mom, your most immediate ally. For immediate guidance and local resources on handling these complex dynamics, reach out 24/7 to the Alzheimer’s Association helpline at 800-272-3900.


    I hope these references can help:

    https://hopebridge.care/effective-approaches-to-alzheimers-and-alcohol-dependency-care/

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcoholism

    https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/managing-the-risk-of-dementia/reduce-your-risk-of-dementia/alcohol

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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