93 yo Mom that has Late Stage Dementia ALZ I am at Caregiver Burnout Stage

Welcome, but sorry you have to be here. It sounds like you might be in an unsustainable situation. It won’t be long before she is not safe to be left home alone. Even if you have hired aides (very expensive) come in while you are gone, you will still have to deal with no shows and issues if someone is not a good fit. If you will need someone to cover evenings it’s going to be even more expensive and it might be difficult to find someone if your in a rural setting. If you are even considering assisting living, you should keep in mind there can be a waiting list. Al offered my mom a chance to visit and make friends with people her age. She enjoyed some of the activities and liked having her own little apartment. Do you have DPOA? This is very important. This is such a difficult journey it’s a shame when friends and relatives make things even worse.

Yep. Tomorrow will be 4 months that my Mom with mid to late stage dementia (we find out the results of her cut short neuro psych evaluation on July 8. Still need to schedule the follow up with the neuro to go over MRI, labs and the neuro psych evaluation.) has been living with us. My Dad, with whom she lived, was hospitalized on that day and subsequently passed. The only reason that this is not a complete crisis is because I work from home and my job has been super accommodating in terms of flexibility. I’ve been chewed out by one of her friends and her closest relative that is not an immediate family member has mentioned her living in her own home more times than I can count. So she can be parked in front of a TV? No, thanks. (Same relative has not driven 40ish minutes once to see her in that time. Her friend has visited once.) I am very firmly of the opinion that a facility will be best for both of us moving forward. I have zero guilt about this. My Dad told me to do it literally from his deathbed. I can not provide the level of care that trained professionals are able to provide 24/7. I don’t have arts and crafts or other suitable planned activities. I am not a dietitian either. I don’t have entertainment come into my house and there aren’t many opportunities for socialization here. I want her there at a time when she can get to know the staff and they can get to know her. I don’t want it to be scary for her when more of ‘her’ is gone and she doesn’t understand. I want them to get to know what is ‘normal’ for her. I will visit and do what I can to ensure that she is well taken care of. I am beyond grateful that my parents were such disciplined savers and that their finances will allow it. Will my Mom like it? Not at first. I think that once she settles in she’ll love it though. I’m going through the process to make sure that this next step is appropriate/warranted and to get any assistance that the neurologists office can provide. My understanding is that they have a social worker on staff that will offer guidance/assistance. Is a social worker available to you? I have put more miles on my car in the last 4 months running her here, there and everywhere than in the last 3 1/2 years combined. I’m exhausted. We are so close to having a clear clinical picture, financial picture and legal documents in place. It’s been a crash course that I never wanted to take. This is a truly awful disease. There is nothing that I can do to change the outcome for her. Her Mom had dementia prior to her passing as did a cousin. Should the same fate be waiting for me there is literally no way that I am going to willingly sacrifice what could be my last good years. Alzheimer’s is not getting a twofer from me. If she was thinking clearly, she wouldn’t want that for me either. Calling the Alzheimer’s Association number was extremely helpful. They will help you get your head on straight and come up with steps to get you to a better place. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need from people. If they’re not willing to help when asked, don’t listen to their critique. There is much that you can’t control in this situation. You are under no obligation to listen to unsolicited advice and you have complete control over that. All the best to you. Protect yourself. If you don’t take care of you in the course of this disease, who’s going to look out for her? Are there day programs in your area? What about a department of aging? Even a primary care physician may have some resources that they can direct you to. Sorry for the length. It’s been a very rough morning. Seems I got a lot off of my chest with this one.