Wants me near always

I am in a very similar situation with DW, and I hope someone has some constructive suggestions on how to make the transition. I have consulted many sources, forums, MC Facilities, PCP, family members, Senior Solutions organization, read tons of material, but everyone is apparently stumped. They don't seem to know how to handle the separation anxiety, the paranoia, the temporary hostility. There is little or no creativity offered. I have been ill, but still carry on 24/7 caregiving, but there may come a time that placement is necessary.
You can DM me if you want to discuss.

Much of this separation behavior is probably caused by anxiety. I would talk to his Dr for medications to ease that.

Welcome Bowerbird, the MC facility helped me get him there and settled in. A nurse and Social Worker were involved. They do this all the time. They suggested that we come for lunch. My daughter went with us. The nurse was at the table and we joined her. My daughter and I both excused ourselves and gave different reasons (phone call, rest room, etc) and we left. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done but was the most compassionate for him. He was upset at first, but the nurse gave him lunch and took him and introduced him to people and had him join an activity. We dropped his things off later that afternoon and left them with the nurse to put in his room. They waited a couple of days and then gave him a phone to call me. He was so glad to hear from me but wasn't angry or upset. He said I did a good job getting his stuff there. ☺️ They recommended I didn't visit for 2 weeks. When I did he was settled in. They recommended that when I visit first to come at lunch and after my visit they recommended that I not say goodbye, just slip out and let the nurse know I was leaving so the nurse could distract him by giving him ice cream for a treat. The guilt is the hardest thing. Just remember you are not doing it to him, you are doing it for him. Dementia did it to him. Keep reminding yourself of why you did it. You will still be his primary caregiver just in a different role. 💜

@Bowerbird

This is all hard stuff.

My dad was as you describe in terms on only accepting care from mom. It was to the point if I brought him a sandwich he wanted me to take it back to the kitchen and have mom bring it to him. I didn't play along as she needed a break and he couldn't hold the memory for more than a minute.

When his care became such that a facility could provide better than mom could provide we placed in in a good MCF. He was upset and angry for several days, but he soon bonded with staff and considered the facility his home for the time being. We'd told him that he was there on doctor's orders for physical rehab which allowed us to validate his frustration at not being home while reminding him he was getting best care possible.

Dad never really clicked with other residents (he knew they had dementia despite not recognizing his own issues) and didn't participate in any activities beyond live musical programing which he enjoyed a lot.

A MCF won't have all of the same issues a hospital has. My mom, who doesn't have dementia, sometimes develops hospital-induced delirium. The lack of restorative sleep from lights, noise and nursing tasks are not generally an issue in a MCF. Often medications used inpatient also contribute to delirium.

I hope it goes well for you.

HB

So glad to hear that things went so smoothly. That is step 1! You will feel guilty, broken hearted, lonely…but it does ease up a little over time. Once he settles in and you see the good care he’ll get, you’ll gradually realize it was the best thing for both of you. You’ll never stop missing him but you’ll begin to feel your stress level going down. Keep us posted on how you’re doing.

Yes adjustment can take a few weeks sometimes. My DH was getting very aggressive with the caregivers for the first couple of weeks and the facility doctor increased his meds and added some until he was calmer. They have to do this for the safety of the staff. Every time they called me to approve a med adjustment I’d get stressed out and wondered if I did the right thing. After a few weeks though he had just occasional outbursts and adjusted well. Things should calm down after a while for your DH. I’ll pray for you that it does.