New to Memory Care

Bowerbird · February 6

MY DH just moved into MC three days ago. He has now not eaten in 24 hours and is refusing his meds. He sometimes wanders around the unit but cannot find his room to return to. He asks those who come into his room to leave. The nurse tell me this is standard behavior for new residents and that there are others in the MC going through the same thing, which gives me perverse relief, knowing it is not unusual. But it probably stresses out the staff and he picks up on that. They are still recommending that I not visit yet, which I can understand. But it is excruciating to go through this, as I'm sure it is for him. He has been at home with me as his sole caregiver for a few months now and is attached at the hip to me, so that probably makes this situation even worse. I know he is safe and being watched over, but they cannot force him to take his meds (I suggested putting them in applesauce or pudding) or to eat. I suppose he will eat when he is finally hungry. I guess it is a waiting game, so to speak, but it is the hardest thing I've ever been through and I hope he begins to adjust soon.

Momx3 · February 6

My heart breaks for you!! I know eventually I will be you when I have to transition my DH from home to MC. The thought of having to do that actually almost makes me physically ill. We have been married 45 years.

BPS · February 6

My wife has been in memory care for almost two years and she often times still don't know where her room is and there are others in the building the same way. The people that work at the facilities are for the most part very patient caring people. From what you say it sounds like he is doing pretty good. It is hard to suddenly be in an empty house while worrying about your spouse, but you are doing what is best for both of you.

annie51 · February 6

You’re right about it being excruciating waiting to visit. Take the time while you’re waiting to get things done that you couldn’t do when you were joined at the hip. That helped me feel a little sense of freedom before I started visiting regularly. What you’re describing are normal behaviors for a new resident and well trained caregivers are used to handling these types of things, and worse. Hopefully he will eventually eat, even if it’s in his room and not in the dining room. They had to crush meds for my DH and put in chocolate milk, fruit punch, pudding or applesauce. They just kept trying different things until they found one that worked. Hang in there…you did the right thing!

SiberianIris · February 6

Give it time. Moving is hard for everyone, so expect it to be especially hard for someone with dementia. My mom has been in MC for 6 months, and she is doing well. She participates in most of the activities and seems brighter and happier than when she was at home with 24/7 caregivers.

It took about a month for her to adjust, and she had to have a mood stabilizer added to her med regimen for a short time. The first few visits were hard, but each one got better. She started forming friendships with the staff and some of the residents. A few months in, she was no longer asking when can she can go home, but will sometimes ask if I can drive her to see her house. I usually answer "Sure, we'll go next time." and change the subject.

Based on what I've seen with my mom, I've told my husband if I get dementia, to please put me in MC sooner rather than later.

Bowerbird · February 6

Thank you everyone for for your heartfelt responses. They really help me to cope for another day and give me hope. He only ever wanted to be with me and though I do not know if he is missing me, his world has turned upside-down and I can only imagine how disorienting and scary it is.

I remember once taking a walk when on vacation through an unfamiliar overseas city. I became disoriented and couldn't figure out which way I had come. I forged through and made it back to my hotel, but I keep getting flashes of that and how nervous I became. I truly hope my DH is not feeling that way.

BPS · February 7

I doubt he is feeling the way you did on your vacation. His mind is not working the same. He is probably looking for familiarity and the care givers smile and have pleasant voices so he will find that familiarity with them soon and be alright. My wife smiles just as much or more when some of the caregiver come into her room as she does when I come in.

SDianeL · February 7

If takes time for them to adjust. Some take a month. The caregivers know what to do. Remember you did this for him, not to him. When you do visit try to be upbeat so he doesn’t pick up on your sadness. Go at mealtime so he’s distracted. If he asks to go home tell him when the doctor says so then change the subject. Don’t stay long and when you leave, don’t say goodbye, just quietly slip out and tell the caregiver you’re leaving so they can distract him. They would give my DH ice cream when I left. His favorite. 💜

White Crane · February 7

Dear Bowerbird, first of all, I like your screen name; probably because I'm a bird watcher. My DH has been in MC for two years and it was a hard adjustment for both of us. Be gentle with yourself. I know you are worried about him but this is a time of adjustment for you, too. Try not to isolate. Talk to trusted friends and come to this forum to talk about your feelings. I know when my DH went into MC, it was hard. I felt so many emotions: guilt, fear, loneliness, anger, to name just a few. The people on this forum got me through. As to your DH, some people adjust quicker than others. He will probably start eating soon. And the aides are used to having new residents and they know it's hard for them. The first time you visit, he may want to go home with you. That is normal. Make up a little fiblet or sneak out during meal time. It will just take time for both of you to adjust to this new reality. Sending hugs.

Brenda

Bowerbird · February 7

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265510#Comment_265510

Thank you, White Crane (I like your name too!) for your reply. It has been very difficult to adjust and it has only been a few days. Luckily he seems to be doing better today - always a relief, but then every day is different with this disease. I am getting nervous about my first visit next week after staying away for seven days. Everyone says to go before meal time so I can slip out while he is there, which seems cruel in a way, but I'm sure it is better in the long run. This forum has been such a blessing to me and I am sure to many others. Friends and family are kind and caring, but if you haven't experienced this situation, you can't really understand deep down.

SiberianIris · February 7

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265511#Comment_265511

My first few visits with mom in MC always ended at her lunch time. The hustle and bustle of residents going into the dining room distracted her, so I could slip out without much fanfare. I would tell her that I had a doctor's appointment and would see her later.

People with dementia 'live in the moment' more than we do. They may not remember something from 5 minutes ago, but the part of their brain that senses our facial expressions, moods, and tone of voice becomes super perceptive, so I always kept the goodbyes light and casual.

As heartbreaking as this disease is, one of my happiest memories was when I was bringing Mom to the MC dining room, and I saw several residents waving for her to come sit with them. She'd made some friends! At age 97, most of her friends were dead or too incapacitated to socialize. Any remaining friends drifted away as her dementia progressed, leaving her very lonely.

Prior to dementia, she stayed busy all the time with her community work, sports, and many friendships. Being able to participate in failure free activities and having lots of people around, she's happier now that she's been in a long time.

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