How do you deal with the trauma of witnessing this disease take over your LO?

It has been 10 years since I knew in my heart that mom had this disease, and that hoping her behaviors were brought about by something else no longer made sense. Before any doctor weighed in, I just "knew".

Until two years ago, I watched my dad care for her at home. He carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. My dad passed away without his beloved wife of 60 years by his side, and she was unable to make medical decisions for him or comfort him by just holding his hand. It broke my heart.

I visit my mom in memory care now, and each time I am frankly amazed she is still with us. She has COPD, heart failure, dementia, is double incontinent and is on oxygen. Her breathing is very labored. She has had limited mobility for years and gets around now by scooting her feet on the floor in her wheelchair, which is probably the only bright spot. She needs assistance with bathing, dressing, brushing teeth, getting in and out of bed, and most recently getting food onto a fork. She appears to be shrinking, and her last weight was recorded at 104 lbs.

My sister, with POA, is supposed to be signing her on for hospice soon which will bring another journey. For now, mom's daily reality is that she sits in front of her television coughing and waiting for someone to get her for meals. I sit with her and will watch an old television show and talk about her old friends. She is still able to know what is happening around her.

As someone transfers her out of her reclining chair and into her wheelchair, she moans and coughs and yells out "Oh God help me. Help me." She looks at me and tells me not to let her die. If I stand up to leave the room, she says she is afraid she will die if I leave. Her anxiety is high even though she is on anti-anxiety meds. Nothing I say or do at any moment calms her.

I go home and cannot get these images out of my head or my mom's voice asking not to die. I do several things for self-care such as daily walks, eating healthy and meditation. I still feel like the quality of my life has been impaired because these things swirl in my head. I feel doomed to go the same route and it terrifies me.

It has been 10 years witnessing an ongoing decline that keeps bringing some new horror. How do you manage the impacts of seeing a loved one with this disease? How do you still feel hopeful about your own aging in the future?