Changing personality

karbonnie · March 14

This is my 1st time on here. I needed to vent. My wife has early onset and has mild cognitive impairment. She is still high functioning but has become very anxious. She gets riled up fast and takes it out on me. I am finding that I lose my temper when she is angry at me. Afterward, I feel bad cause “I should know better.” My mantra is to repeat the word “deescalate,” but I often forget in the throws of it. Have others dealt with this and how do you keep a neutral stance in the middle of “an argument.”

SDianeL · March 15

welcome. Sorry about your wife’s diagnosis and anxiety. First I would ask her doctor for medication for her anxiety. Remember it’s not her talking, it’s the disease. I learned 2 things on this forum. Never argue with someone with dementia and “You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken” I repeated that many times throughout the day. It also helped me to think of my husband as my patient and me his nurse rather than thinking of him as my spouse. We no longer had that relationship. Dementia took it from us. Lastly, give yourself grace. You’re human. With practice you will become a better caregiver. 💜

Maru · March 15

I suspect most of us have been there. You know what you are supposed to do but sometimes we fail. I vacillate between thinking of my DH as a patient and thinking of him as my husband of many years. A lifetime of behavior isn't going to magically change over night.

Jeff H · March 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75575/changing-personality

Welcome. Feel free to vent at anytime. I think we have all been there to one degree or another. It's the sickening disease talking. It makes it worse to argue or get mad. It's hard, but try and keep your cool. Sometimes it's easier said than done. You are not alone.

karbonnie · March 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/268094#Comment_268094

Thank you for your thoughtful and kind reply.

annie51 · March 16

Venting here is always a good idea! We know what you’re going through and as others have said, we have all most likely done this ourselves. I think for me, the more I accepted what was happening to him, the more I was able to control my reactions to the things he said or did. It took some time, but it did get easier, as with most of the challenges of caregiving.

Tweave · March 16

My DH was diagnosed with Dementia last June. This is my first time on here and reading this has helped me a lot. It's really hard to know I don't have my husband anymore. He changes from one hour to the next. I never know when he's going to get upset and blame me for things. I find myself arguing with him and I know I shouldn't. I'm still trying to figure out how not to argue with him but I end up doing it anyway. I've developed a lot of medical problems due to stress. I need help. How do you learn to communicate with them without upsetting them more. He gets very agitated.

Jeff H · March 16

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/268158#Comment_268158

Welcome to our forum. I'm sorry that you are here but I am glad that you found us! Vent away. Mostly, you just have to agree with your DH on any issue. If you argue or deny it can get worse. It's very tough to come up with replies for many situations without upsetting your DH so just try to agree if you can. Trying to deflect to another subject may work but can often not. For agitation, check with your DH neurologist for medications to curb that. Ask your doctor for antidepressants for you if needed. Your health is primary also. You are not alone in this. We are all here for you.

Bowerbird · March 16

Yes, this forum is a great place to vent away. We are all in the same boat, more or less, and good advice, as well as needed empathy can be found here. I would recommend reading The 36-Hour Day by Nancy Mace and viewing videos on YouTube by Teepa Snow and Tam Cummings. Educating oneself on this wrenching disease is really important in helping us all cope better.

eligius · March 16

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75575/changing-personality

I keep remembering that dear old Nun Mother Angelica, foundress of a Catholic TV Network, who used to say: “ we don’t know what we’re doing, but we’re getting better at it”.

H1235 · March 16

I can definitely understand the need to vent. I found mom has a few complaints that come up regularly. She often demands answers regarding things she would not understand the explanation for or the explanation would unset her. Why won’t I bring her to her house, why can’t she live in her house alone, how much money does she have, why won’t I take her to the store….. I have found it helpful to have a few very vague generic responses ready for when I might need them. Her interrogations stress me out and I find I don’t know what to say. The pre planned responses help a lot. I often claim to have forgotten, I’ll have to look into that, I didn’t know that, I’m really busy today I can’t. I think I’m getting better with time. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of trying to give normal real explanations. I’m glad you found our group.

BPS · March 16

There are some issues that I can go along to get along with, but there are a couple of things I just can't go along with so for them I find a reason to leave the room for a little while and when I come back the subject is not brought up again. It works most of the time as long as I can stick with the plan which I don't always.

Michele P · March 17

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75575/changing-personality

Welcome. If there is a Mayo Clinic near you, request a referral for The Habit Program. The program is excellent and is designed to help you and your wife deal with this disease. We were told not to argue. It gets you nowhere and escalates the behavior. Take blame for everything you never did and apologize for it. Their reasoning is broken, and they will never understand that they are wrong or that you did nothing. Keep structure and routine as much as possible. A break in these causes confusion and anxiety. This is what also helped me: I put myself in his shoes and asked myself what life was like for him. Once I did this, I had more empathy for what he is going through.

Leesee · March 17

My DH was 58 when his behavior started changing and I had no idea what was going on! He has an MBA and held a high-level position with global responsibility; he ended up putting us in financial ruin (bankruptcy) and refused to find a job. The arguments were horrible, we had never said such awful things to one another during our 30 years of marriage. I sought out an attorney; but we were literally too broke to get a divorce. I'm embarrassed to say I was so naive about what was happening, we didn't get a full diagnosis until he was 67 (AD + VD).

Whether you have a diagnosis or not, I think those first MCI years are mentally/spiritually the most difficult. Her actions are from illness while your responses are from your 'truth'. You have not had enough time to indoctrinate your 'gut reactions' to align with her illness. It takes time and energy to stop being your true-self. You have to learn what works for the two of you (and then it will change).

My DH is now 70 and we've settled into a relationship that is loving & caring, but not husband and wife. He is beginning to need more physical assistance, and this forum has taught me there are some tough times ahead. After years of practice, I no longer allow my reactions to reflect how I really think or feel.

yardman49 · March 22

You are not alone in your struggles as many other have stated. I have lost my temper many times and have felt guilty and regretful for it. Your anger only escalates their agitation and aggression. I have adopted a way to quell my angered response…….. I slowly inhale to a count of 8, hold for a count of 4 and then slowly exhale to a count of 8. I find this usually calms me down and helps me endure.

Dusty217 · March 22

My DH is early in all this. His personality has changes, more anxious and quicker .. not anger but shortness or irritation. The hardest things I find is trying to tell if something is true or his new perception. With only MCI he makes sense most days. I will start to argue and then I stop and try to ask myself if this is him or the new him. It still can be either. He is still able to do most things he always has, but often with a different attitude. Example - A car can pull out of a side street quite a distance away, but he will curse at them saying watch out for that crazy driver. There was no bad driver. He never would have said this as the old DH. All of what others said on this thread make sense. I'm trying to get there also.

howhale · March 23

So sorry you have to join us but this is the safe place to be to vent, cry, scream and get support. I too went through similar experiences with my dear wife at the outset. I had not found this site yet and no one in the medical field was offering any help or suggestions other than more dosing her up with meds she refused to take anyway. I mad so many mistakes, but finding this site gave me hope and answers and suggestions. I only wish I had found it sooner. I am looking at it all in hindsight now and for all the blunders, errors, mistakes I made with my wife that only agitated her more, I will share what allows me to wake up another day. One, our loved one has a very short memory and will forget those "arguments" quickly, much more quickly than our regrets leave us. Second, for all those mistakes I made as she approached the end and had very little ability to communicate verbally, she would on several occasions use every bit of her energy left to look at me with those eyes so sweet and say to me "thank you for taking such good care of me". We have to wade through the swamp, wander lost through the forest, regret so many actions, and, yet, while their brain fades away, their heart is still strong with love for us. Trust that your wife will retain her love in her heart and be ready for any moment when she musters enough strength to overcome her failing brain to tell you she loves you.

brupt30 · March 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/268589#Comment_268589

Beautifully said…

Grenah · March 24

I'm here for the first time. I'm looking for some support and it is almost impossible to get out of the house. When my mother gets too agitated, if I can walk away, I do. Even when you are in their reality as much as possible, it's not worth the fight as long as no one is being injured. I roll with it as best I can. I have my sister in the house with us who is often not helpful. When they start to get aggressive, don't feed it, back off and walk away. My sister doesn't really comprehend this and gets very frustrated and angry, which does not help me at all. I just need to vent too. This may be a really good thing for me.

howhale · March 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/268697#Comment_268697

This is the safe place to vent so let it out here and come as often as you need. I tried to encourage my family to sign up on this site just to learn about this disease and what it is and can be like for them and the loved one. Most did not. If you can convince your sister to just sign up and read or post a question about your mother's behavior and see what others say, it would help you, your mother and her. I know it is a long shot if my experience is anything typical but you might try. The fact no one can identify her might help her take the chance to be open and honest about her feelings also. Good luck and come often to vent.

persevere · March 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/268589#Comment_268589

Your last sentence Howhale is very true. My wife can no longer speak but there are those occasional actions that speak louder than words. Like if she rubs my back or caresses my arm. Just a touch of the past.

howhale · March 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/268723#Comment_268723

Yes, I had to coach my family and care givers to learn how to read her communications. I only learned how through experience. Her eyes, her touch, a body motion, sounds, interest or ignore, etc., etc. They cannot communicate in our way any longer and it is our obligation to watch, listen, be attentive and learn their communication tactics. If we do, it eases the role of care giver and helps reduce ansiety, stress and frustration of our loved one.

Grenah · March 27

I feel very much alone and use this forum in lieu of counseling. I am "seeing" a virtual counselor but this is not her field and she's not being helpful. I'm discontinuing her. Support groups, I don't have the luxury of leaving the house when they are in session. My sister, who lives with my mother and I, is very good at all the administrative stuff but not at all helpful with the personal interaction. She often makes things worse. My mother is otherwise in good health so this can go on for years. When I've vented to her and said things like I can't do this anymore. The response I get is along the lines of what do you want me to do about it. I'm very grateful to the person who directed me to this site. Thank you all for listening.

Changing personality

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