Sabotaging everything - Caring for my Great Grandma after losing her daughter, my Grandmother

sparkleshine2 · April 16

Hello there. I'm posting because I don't know what else to do, I guess I'm looking for guidance, someone to let me know that I'm not going crazy. My Great Grandma is 101 years old, lives alone in her house she's lived in her entire life. We've tried to get her into assisted living but she refuses and her doctor says at this point there's no reason to take her out of her home, her safe space, which I agree.

She has Alzheimer's and Dementia and is dealing with a lot of anxiety, depression, and grief. Her daughter, my Grandma passed away last July from metastatic breast cancer, but the key here is NO ONE knew she was even diagnosed with it in the first place. She hid the diagnosis from the entire family, even her best friends. I did not find out until June 30th, by the paramedic who transported her to the ER.

My Great Grandma was there when she took her final breath. She's lost her son and her daughter, and her two brothers that are still living are in Mississippi. So, here it's just me, her, my grandpa and my husband. So understandably she's lonely, and we can only be there so much for her because I now have to take care of my Grandpa + her + working a full time job.

We've been through 4 caregivers, she's kicked them all out, yelling at them, has raised her cane at them, cursing, everything you can think of to push them away. I've gotten APS involved and they agreed that all we can do is keep trying, but that's the thing we've been trying for over 3 years, even when my Grandma was alive.

We are now on the 3rd caregiver for this year, and she's wanting to quit. A live in nurse is too expensive, and I feel like I'm all out of options. I mean, she went 4 months without wanting to take a bath. She wants help, I know she does, but she just pushes us all away.

Has anyone experienced this or something similar with a family member? I'll take all the advice I can get.

SusanB-dil · April 16

Hello and welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

It sounds like her doctor doesn't really know what is going on - Because this is not safe. My first thought is to who may have POA? If anyone? If not, you or grandpa just may need to go for guardianship if she will not sign into POA. And at this point, she may not be able to, even legally. Are her brothers younger? more able to step up (or would they?) It sounds like it would be too much for you to take on. If you are not able to, on top of everything, then do not. First step - I would consult with a lawyer to check all options. You could also tell her doc the real situation. If you don't have HIPAA accesses, you could still let them know. They would just not be legally able to reply back. It also sounds like she could benefit with a medication to dial back that agitation. But again, the doctor would need to know the real story.

Would it work to tell her that the caregiver is there for more hours, or certification? Turn it so that she may think she is helping the caregiver?

She also may be showtiming for the doctor, so they don't really know the extent. I do believe that if worse comes to worse, you would need to check with social services, and she may have to be placed where she could be cared for. Again, check with a lawyer, could be possible medicaid issue.

I'm sorry for the loss of grandma. This is a lot to deal with.

H1235 · April 16

Welcome. Im so sorry you are going through this. I can respect and totally understand someone making a conscious decision to live in their home til they pass from whatever they are struggling with. The problem is people with dementia are not able to reason and think clearly. The decision is beyond their ability to truly understand the risks, the stress on you, and everything that is involved. They also often have anosognosia. This means they are not able to recognize their symptoms or limitations. This can put them in very dangerous situations. She could start a fire in the kitchen because she has decided to cook and shouldn’t, fall off a ladder because she thinks she is perfectly fine to change the light bulb, decide she wants something in the attic and fall…. These are preventable. I can not imagine how her home could be a safe place. She needs someone to make decisions for her, she is not capable. If there is no DPOA then someone should file for guardianship and go in prepared with documentation of her symptoms and limitations. I have attached a few resources. Note on the dbat staging tool it recommends the level of care for each stage and gives a rough age equivalence. Look at her symptoms and find the stage she is at. Then look at the age equivalence and ask yourself if a child that age should live alone. It is heartbreaking that aps will do nothing.

DBAT.pdf

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

SDianeL · 3:53AM

welcome. Sorry you are going through this. People with dementia have anxiety, agitation and can become aggressive. She can’t control it. It’s the disease talking. She needs medications to calm her. Talk to her doctor. A Geriatric Psychiatrist is the best type of doctor to manage meds for dementia. She should not be living alone. It’s not safe.

Sabotaging everything - Caring for my Great Grandma after losing her daughter, my Grandmother

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