Have any questions about how to use the community? Check out the Help Discussion.

He is adamant - "don't put me in a home!"

rockymtngrrl
rockymtngrrl Member Posts: 19
Second Anniversary 25 Care Reactions 10 Comments 5 Likes
Member
in Caring For a Spouse or Partner

We had that discussion again last night. I will have to re-evaluate when he gets to that point. Hopefully it won't happen, I've got some plans. So far, his neurology team says he is in mid-stage. He has his ADLs, still driving short distances but I have a tracker on him and he's still doing ok.

I have pretty much decided I'm not going to be able to leave him for any overnight trips to my sisters' and we are going to try to go on a short trip to a town he's familiar with in a few weeks. He's already having trouble with that, unfamiliar places are confusing him and he doesn't remember how to get there so I do all the driving outside his daily routine trips.

I hope to keep him at home, there are options. It's getting harder but also easier to help him with his remote or phone - he gets frustrated and I let him get in the weeds a bit, then I'll offer help. The other day he couldn't remember where things were in the kitchen and asked, what's it going to be like in a year? I can't answer. I don't know. We'll see, is all I say.

Comments

  • Michele P
    Michele P Member Posts: 379
    250 Insightfuls Reactions 100 Likes 100 Comments 25 Care Reactions
    Member
    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75837/he-is-adamant-dont-put-me-in-a-home

    I am in agreement with the advice others have given you based on experience with family members with Alzheimer’s. You cannot predict what the future holds. There might come a time when either you can no longer care for him or decide that a memory care facility is a better option. I would tour facilities without him and place him on a waitlist with a refundable deposit. Do not discuss the subject again with him. His brain is broken. All decisions now are on you, not him. You need to do what is best based on your decisions. Has he had a driving test by an agency that determines if he is safe to drive? Alzheimer’s impacts driving. Most insurance companies will not cover an accident with this diagnosis. You will get sued for everything you own.

  • Sweetwater
    Sweetwater Member Posts: 60
    Ninth Anniversary 25 Likes 10 Comments 5 Insightfuls Reactions
    Member

    I agree with Michele P, sounds like he probably should not be driving.

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 3,237
    1,500 Likes 1,000 Insightfuls Reactions 2500 Comments 1,000 Care Reactions
    Member
    edited April 19

    please have a Plan B. Will you be able to care for him when he becomes incontinent and bedridden or will you hire 24/7 caregivers? What happens if you are no longer physically able to care for him? No need to discuss it with him. It will only cause him anxiety. Just assure him you will always be there for him. I agree he should no longer be driving or be left alone. It’s not safe.

  • tboard
    tboard Member Posts: 274
    Legacy Membership 250 Care Reactions 100 Likes 100 Comments
    Member
    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75837/he-is-adamant-dont-put-me-in-a-home

    I kept my DH at home as long as I could. He could not be left alone and eventually it became to hard to take him with me. I ended up spending most of my time at home. A few months ago he progressed well into stage 6 and I can not take care of him at home but I sure tried. He is now in Memory care. He isn't asking to come home. He is just fine. I don't think he understands that he is "in a home". I visit him every day and after an hour or two he tells me to go home. I leave and ask him if I can come back tomorrow and he says yes.

  • trottingalong
    trottingalong Member Posts: 972
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Care Reactions 500 Likes 250 Insightfuls Reactions
    Member

    My husband will often ask me what I am going to do with him. I always assure him he will stay with me. I do that for him. I know the reality, but I don’t want him becoming stressed over future possibilities. As for driving. Dementia affects so much more than memory. Reaction time is delayed, a stop sign can be missed. Comprehension of any changing moment may be non existent. It’s a dangerous situation because you truly do not know when his brain will not understand how to turn on windshield wipers, put on a seatbelt or which is the break pedal. My insurance company told me he would not be covered in an accident. You could literally lose everythjng. This is one of the hardest things to deal with, their loss of independence.

  • beachwalker5
    beachwalker5 Member Posts: 12
    10 Comments 25 Care Reactions 5 Likes 5 Insightfuls Reactions
    Member

    Please forgive me rocky mountain girl for piling on with the "no driving" comments above but your most immediate priority should probably be to stop your DH from driving. Driving is probably among the current greatest risks to his welfare as well as yourself and others. My DW is still pissed at me for the decision SHE made to sell her car which needed costly repairs (her decision at the time but now it's my fault…thank God her cat. converter died!). I'd rather have her mad at me than to live with the risk of her driving. Best of luck to you with your DH's driving issue along with all the other issues that come up.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more

Community Guidelines


Click here to review the ALZConnected Community Guidelines

Categories