Mom struggling to remember my late Dad :(

lilacgirl · April 19

I was really taken aback today. My father passed away in December. My mom has been heavily grieving him ever since— I know she would look at his picture every day and have a good cry.

We moved her from their home into AL near me this past week. Today I had lunch with her, and I was thinking "Wow, she seems really with it today, maybe being here is good for her!" And then, she asked: "What was my husband's name?" She literally couldn't remember my dad's name. She also said she can barely remember being married to him (her husband of 60 years.) I found this absolutely shocking, and it broke my heart.

I think until now I have been so focused on concerns for her safety and practical matters, I haven't had time to feel this "anticipatory grief" that I am now suddenly feeling. I am also feeling guilty, like, did moving her into an unfamiliar environment cause her dementia to get worse faster? A week ago I NEVER would have imagined this.

Anyway. Just wanted to share with people I am sure understand.

Kiki87 · April 20

Its so hard..if you need to talk message me. Id love to have someone to chat with as well

Victoriaredux · April 20

A patient will progress and it isn't a straight line . I have to take each encounter in its time frame. And treasure it.

If I start myself time traveling too then we're both off kilter. For all the heartache and expense of this disease , the long good-bye does give us time . Better than a phone call of a sudden loss when things were left unsaid .

I'm glad you had a good lunch with your Mom, you did a great job getting her safe.

harshedbuzz · April 20

@lilacgirl

Safety has to be a caregiver's primary duty. The disease will progress in her brain regardless of whether she stayed at home or moved into a more supportive setting. Aside from the risks of kitchen fires or undetected falls with fracture, the isolation and potentially poor nutrition of being at home can take a toll.

That said, I personally found it sad when my aunt finally forgot her husband. Theirs had been a storybook romance followed by 65 years of devotion to one another. On moving to MC, she believed she was living in the post- WW II married student dorms at Rutgers explaining her DH's absence as being out on maneuvers in the Navy. Even her delusions were sweet. But over time, she lost him which felt to me like she was losing another piece of who she was. I saw this with my dad as well who was slowly losing the details regarding my late sister; she's d been his favorite and I could sense his unease regarding his confusion.

Best practices in interacting with those who have dementia would avoid quizzing people as a means to jog their memory or gauge where they are in the disease progression. It can be humiliating and stressful for them. I understand the temptation and have been guilty myself. It's best not to.

HB

terei · April 21

My mother was happier when she did not remember her husbands(both deceased) instead of grieving for them. You are hurting from this, but your mother is not.

psg712 · April 24

I understand the shock and pain of watching their memories of loved ones slip away. Often this will come and go before it is gone for good. Agree that it's more painful for you than for her. Hugs.

caregiving daughter · April 24

Moving your mom did not cause her to forget about your dad. It's the awful disease that caused the lack of memory. You are doing your absolute best to care for her. The decision your family made on a different living arrangement is an attempt to keep her as safe as possible. Please hang in there.

Mom struggling to remember my late Dad :(

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