Parent in MC Talking about Dying

ARIL · April 28

My dad, now 92, has been in MC for almost two years and is in stages 5-6. He is a generally optimistic person. In the past two weeks he has begun telling me, matter of factly, that he will be dying soon.

I have tried different responses, depending on the situation, such as: (1) “Since you are human, you will die someday, as all of us will. But your doctor has not told us anything that would suggest that your death is imminent.” (2) “What makes you feel that? Are you in any pain?” (3) “When it is time for you to go, whenever that is, it’s OK for you to go. I will be all right. You have taught me well.” In the moment, all of these responses have seemed fine and have offered acknowledgment and comfort.

A few questions:

Are there best practices for responding to these kinds of statements?

Is it common for PWD to start talking about dying more as the disease progresses?

And…do people know? Is there any possibility that he could accurately sense impending death?

April23 · April 28

My dad came home from the hospital two months ago on hospice (although we didn’t tell him this). Since then he has made several comments about needing a map, saying he was going to see his grandmother, telling us he won’t see us again, saying he won’t be here long, etc. He has thought he was dying before and said similar things although not for this long. He also seems fixated on making sure there are no loose ends, etc. There is no doubt in my mind that he’s preparing.

I’ve told him several times that he has taken care of everything, there’s nothing left to do, etc. A friend gave me a book called “Final Gifts” written by a hospice nurse. It’s a collection of stories of those in their last days and what they experience. Usually it is not as direct as what your LO is saying though.

I think all your answers have been just right. We should always validate their feelings whatever those are. And just let them know we love them and will care for them until that day comes.

SiberianIris · April 29

My 97 year old mother has been talking about dying soon ever since she turned 90, since no one in her family had lived that long. Now that she's in stage 6, I keep the answers loving and reassuring, like how wonderful Heaven will be and/or how glad I am that we're here together today, depending on where she wants to take the conversation.

harshedbuzz · April 29

@ARIL

My dad did this in the last year or so of his life. I would say he was late stage 5 when it started. In expressing this, the reasons why were vague or non-existent in that he couldn't say why he was dying or coming to the end of his life. Sometimes he would claim that he was going to be very long lived because it ran in his family (it didn't really). I don't know what best practices are for this question; I generally said something like "not on my watch, mom would kill me" or "not today, so you better eat your lunch".

About 3 months before he died, this talk turned darker and he started expressing a plan for he and mom "to die at the same time because they always did everything together". This led to his placement for safety's sake.

HB

jen ht · April 30

Oh @ARIL. I don't have experiences with this to share with you, but I wanted to say that my hand is in yours across the miles.

~jht

ARIL · May 1

Thank you all. I am grateful for this forum and for the support to be found here!

Parent in MC Talking about Dying

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