How or if to tell my parents they are moving to memory care

rmacek · April 29

I am about to move my parents into memory care in a few weeks. They are both 95 with stage 4/5 dementia. They have been living in assisted living for the past 4 years so the move would just be across the courtyard to a more secure facility with more support. My question for this group is when, how, or if to tell them they are moving? They love their current apartment so I don’t think they will be happy about this. The care staff said to not tell them. Take them out to the lunch the day of the move and then just bring them to their new apartment and tell them that they’ll be living there now. I’m feeling extremely uncomfortable about the idea of not telling them in advance. Any suggestions or advice you have would be most appreciated.

Jgirl57 · April 30

Tell them the pipes broke, or emergency electrical problems and many repairs are needed. Hope all goes well.

H1235 · April 30

Welcome. I’m glad you found our group. My brother insisted mom be told a week or two before the move. She was angry! She tried to pack everything for the move herself. She was an absolute wreck. She struggles with executives functioning and was just in such a fluster. It was too much for her. The actual move was a mess because she wanted to be in charge and tell us what needed to go. Boxes for the nursing home had paper plates, cookbooks, clothes that didn’t fit. I was sorting through boxes in the back of my car in the nursing home parking lot. It was a nightmare! Maybe you could tell them they are moving to get some physical therapy. Even then I would not recommend giving them much notice. I would have someone get them out of their room by taking them to lunch, while someone else packs and moves them. But you know them best and everyone with dementia is different.

SDianeL · April 30

I would not tell them. I agree with the facility. After they are moved create a fib if you must. Broken pipe, no AC, etc

rmacek · April 30

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/271378#Comment_271378

Thank you for the idea. I think we could easily tell them something like this. My brother could take them out to lunch and my husband and I could direct the packing and moving. I'll definitely give this more thought. I appreciate your response.

rmacek · April 30

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/271381#Comment_271381

Thank you so much! This is super helpful. I definitely don't want them involved in the packing and moving. We will definitely get them out of their room when that is taking place. Since we already downsized them from their house when we moved them to AL there isn't a lot to do. If we end up telling them at all I'm thinking it would be the day before. I'll be giving this more thought and consulting again with AL staff and my brothers. I really appreciate your response.

rmacek · April 30

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/271378#Comment_271378

Thank you! I sure hate to fib but it's sounding like this might be best for them. I'll definitely give this more thought and so appreciate your response.

H1235 · April 30

This may help.

https://www.darpelelderlaw.com/therapeutic-fibs-and-dementia-a-compassionate-approach-rooted-in-love

rmacek · April 30

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/271406#Comment_271406

Thank you so much! Very useful information.

How or if to tell my parents they are moving to memory care

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