how to care for angry person

Clystina · May 1

How do you care for parent who is angry at you. My mom constantly tells me and others I am stealing her stuff (shampoo, and other stupid stuff) She has gotten to a point where she is banning from her home, but I am the closest of family member and the most available to help my dad. She apparently rants all day to him. How do I calm her and assure her I am not stealing so she will allow me to help. Do I keep apologizing and telling her I wont do it again?

H1235 · May 1

Welcome. Im glad you found our group. It’s so sad that the person putting in so much effort and work is often the target of anger a suspicion. If it seems she is just always upset (not uncommon), it might be worth talking to her doctor about medication or an increase. As difficult as this is for you she must also feel pretty miserable and on edge with these beliefs. I would not try to convince her of your innocence. We often say here there is no reasoning with a person with dementia. Even actual physical proof will do you no good. I think you are on the right track with apologizing. Or maybe tell her you moved it to a different location (that seems less offensive maybe). You could also try changing the subject or offering her a treat. Maybe if you show up with ice cream in hand she will be more forgiving. Sounds crazy, but it might work. For my mom I believe she is angry and resentful that I am doing so much for her when she believes she is perfectly capable of doing it herself. Are there things you could do to help your dad that might require less direct contact with your mom? If you are helping her with her depends, maybe this should be something reserved for your dad to deal with. Bring groceries, mow lawn, bring some premade meals that can be frozen and pulled out as needed. Could you help around the house while she is napping, or going to the bathroom or your dad is helping her with a shower? Would your dad be comfortable with allowing you to help with finances and bill paying? Find ways to help were she doesn’t realize your doing it. For example if you clean the bathroom for them I would not announce it. Let her think you just took a long time going to the bathroom. I hope there is something here that might be useful.

SDianeL · May 2

repeat this phrase throughout the day “You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken” read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow which are very helpful.

Clystina · May 2

Thanks for the recommendations. I did have a VERY large bouquet of flowers sent to her and hoped it would shift her mood. However it seemed to make it worse. She called me asked why I sent an ugly bouquet of flowers, saying "sorry for making you mad" when I come into her home while she is gone and steal stuff. She is now extremely upset at my step dad and threating to leave him, she has packed up her car with all the stuff she wants and is threating to leave him as soon as my aunt (who is visiting for a few days) leaves. We have banned her from driving because the last time she did about 6 months ago she got lost (in a small town she has lived in for almost 20 years) and had forgotten her phone. She eventually found a person who would let her use their phone to call my stepdad to come get her.

The hardest part is she is progresing through this process extremely fast. We wont even have the official diagnosis until the 19th of this month. Her MRI is scheduled for the 13th. Her doctor wont start her on the alzheimer meds until the official diagnosis.

If she does get in her car I plan to call 911 and have her declaired a danger to herself and others. I know that seems harsh but it would be true. She cant run a stove without burning stuff how is she gonna operate a car with out getting into an accident and hurting herself or someone else? At least if we get her committed to a hospital we are hoping it will get the MRI and diagnosis much faster and get her on the meds she needs. I dont know we are all lost on what to do because there doesnt seem to be enough help without the "official" diagnosis.

AmandaF · May 2

This is a difficult stage, where things are bad but you don’t have meds yet. To some extent, you just have to hang in there and keep bothering doctors for help. Saying you’re “very worried for her safety and the safety of your stepdad” could get them to pay more attention/speed up a treatment plan, and, as you say, taking her to the ER is another way to get treatment faster.

In the meantime, I’d definitely prioritize keeping her from driving. Disable the car if you have to. Good luck and I’m sorry, I know it’s so stressful.

terei · May 3

It may not be a bad thing to have her picked up and taken to the ER and then to a Geri Psych unit where she would be assessed and likely medicated to control her aggressive behaviors. Once she is at a hospital, refusing to take her back to your home will probably get her appropriate treatment. In the meantime, try to get audio and/or video to show her typical behaviors. Sometimes PWD can ‘showtime’ their way out of treatment and when back home, revert to their abusive behavior

how to care for angry person

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