Need Advice About My Sister, Please!

CMarlene · May 9

After many years of caregiving for my very ill and late husband and my dear aunt with ALZ in a facility, at age 74 I remarried a wonderful man two years ago. We are very happy together and had an ideal life. Until I had to take in my 72-year-old sister with dementia.

We had to move her from an RV in Alabama where she was asked to leave into our spare bedroom in Florida. My sister and I have never been close as she has always been a loner personality, has a past history of addiction and smokes heavily. On the positive side, she was an RN in a nursing home for years. Since she moved in, we have her being evaluated by a Memory Disorder Clinic which is taking three painful months. We have gotten her a new doctor, new glasses and she eats healthy meals and sweet snacks every day. She is 97 pounds, very skinny. She wants her keys daily so she can go to an imaginary apartment she has.

My husband and I are cordial to her but have to correct her a lot for various reasons because she can't remember recent learning. Two nights ago, she went into the kitchen to feed her dogs for the second time as she has a thing about her dogs being hungry EVERY night. I saw her getting the expensive chicken and rice mixture out again and I angrily took it away from her. All of a sudden, she started slapping me in the face over and over. I restrained her for a minute then she grabbed my shirt and bra and pulled the bra off under my shirt. My husband intervened and wrestled her to the ground and shouted angrily at her. I was so shocked and exhausted that I just went to bed. The next day I called the Memory Facility, and they told me to call the police. The police were very responsive but really could not help me.

I have looked into Medicaid and the very limited options for her in a facility here. My husband is a 100% disabled Vietnam Vet with a heart condition, and I have health issues also. I am now considering getting her a Legal Guardian in Alabama through the courts where she lived. I no longer care about her placement or if I can see her again. I wonder about how so many of you managed to get your person into a facility? I am hoping you can help me with your advice. What do you think about Guardianship? I am done with her. I had to put her into drug rehab and take her small child when she was neglecting him years ago. My husband and I have a life, too!

harshedbuzz · May 10

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

The professional guardianship business in Florida is fairly robust; they may be able to qualify her and find a placement more quickly than you can. Another option would be to have her transported to the hospital in your area that has a geriatric psych unit. Once admitted, you could inform the social worker that you will not be taking her into your home and to make other discharge arrangements for her.

HB

terei · May 10

If she atttacks you, call 911 and you should have her taken to the ER and on to a geriatric psych unit where she can be assessed and treated. Do NOT accept her back into your home. Tell them she is a danger to you and herself and you do not have the capacity to caretake her. They will have to work on getting her housed after a geripsych stay. Since her residence is in FL, I’m not sure that any attempt at help from Alabama would work.

Quilting brings calm · May 11

Unlike a spouse, you are under no legal obligation to take care of your sister. Follow HB’s advice, get her admitted to a hospital with a geripsych unit. Refuse to take her home. Tell them she is homeless. Do not return to the hospital, do not answer their calls, do not return their calls. Do not agree to pay for her stay.

Robert1320 · May 11

Seek advice from your local Council on Aging. They're free and knowledgeable about local services (legal and other) and also about state laws.

See ncoa,org for more information.

CMarlene · May 11

Thank you all so much for your replies. The police told me the next day that if they took her to a hospital for evaluation, that they would only keep her for 4 hours. I did not know that I could legally refuse to take her home after that. I am going to petition the courts for Emergency Placement. This entire situation has been made more complicated by the fact that she is still considered a resident of Alabama. So, if I get Emergency Placement here in Northwest Florida, she will most likely have to be transferred back to Alabama later for permanent placement. She is going to kick and scream over all of this because she will not have her two dogs and maybe cigarettes. I am so extremely stressed over this, as I know many of you are daily.

SDianeL · May 12

ditto on calling 911 if she gets violent. Meanwhile don’t argue with her. It will trigger her. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Redirect or distract.

Victoriaredux · May 12

Since you mention going for an emergency placement for your sister may I suggest you talk to an elder care lawyer about the quickest and safest [for you and your husband's health] to get her oversight transferred to a government entity. Social agencies like Adult protective are understaffed and where I am just try to get involved when there are no family options or severe neglect.

If you appear on paper or in person - then they've got a "live one." A former frequent poster on this board had it take years to get her relative's care transferred elsewhere - she was in Hawaii- but it was miserable.

You've probably seen this website https://elderaffairs.org/resources/aging-and-disability-resource-centers-adrcs/

CMarlene · May 12

VictoriaRedux, I figured that Adult Protective Services, as are other government services, are likely understaffed. I tried calling them also the day after the incident. No answer on the phone and no ability to leave a message. We contacted an Elder Care attorney who charged $10,000 to take a case. That would be a last resort. I am going to try the Emergency Temporary Care option first. Then it should go into a Permanent Care situation in Alabama, which is considered her permanent address.

H1235 · May 12

In my state there is something called a petition for evaluation. You fill out the form explaining concerns and it goes to a judge. If the judge agrees he orders police to bring the person to the hospital for a mandatory evaluation. I found the hospital seemed to take things much more seriously when going this route. When I called police the hospital was very unconcerned and simply released my lo. You should be able to pick this form up at your local court house. Your local mental health department may also be able to help with the form or just in general.

Need Advice About My Sister, Please!

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories