Help with the emotional toll of DH incontinence
For three weeks now, my husband has wet the bed through his Night Depends, and even with a pad and waterproof mattress pad I am doing laundry of his PJ, Shirts and sheets. Out of all the issues we have dealt with over the past 4 years with him losing so many capacities, I feel that I have dealt with them well, but this is making me crazy. He wakes up soaked thru and does not care. He heads for the shower and sings himself clean. I resent this so much and I find my self yelling at him to stop - he has no idea how many nights it has been. I finally moved to a different bedroom mostly because there is less bedding to wash - I just put twin sheets on his side. I know he does not realize but does anyone have any coping strategies.
Comments
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Dear @NewCareGiver540
Welcome. Glad you found us.
Incontinence is a behavior in stage 6. This most likely will qualify him for Hospice or Palliative Care if you are interested in those services. You can self refer and not need a doctor’s orders. They can help with durable medical equipment and knowledgeable staff who can share tips on options for you. Incontinence is tough! I hope you can find some support.
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If you are using the brand Depends, I'd recommend getting a more absorbent brand. There are many better quality products. Having the right one (and it may take a few tries to find the right one) can make all the difference.
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Wandering and incontinence are the two biggest triggers for placement. Was that part of your future plan and have you already done planning with an attorney earlier in the disease?
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My husband soaks his pull ups, pants and shirt each night. He must be cleaned, dried, powdered and dressed. I have 2 "waterproof" mattress pads with plastic pads in between to protect the mattress. I also layer towels under and over the sheet around his mid section. I wash the towel on a "rine and drain" cycle each morning to conserve time, water and detergent. Everything hangs on the line so they smell fresh. It's an exhausting routine, but the mattress has stayed dry, so I consider it a win
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My spouse had to be in stage 7 to qualify for hospice. He doesn't have chronic co morbidities, so incontinence alone wasn't enough.
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Is it safe to assume he’s using the bathroom before bed. Also maybe he shouldn’t have anything to drink after a certain time to cut down. Finally, you can put extra pads, like feminine pads, in his brief for extra absorption.
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this company has thicker more absorbent products. I believe they will send samples to try. Tranquility is one product they sell that is made for night wear.
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Yesterday we had a hospice evaluation for dementia. We were told my DW was at 6A and need to be 7A to qualify for hospice.
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Thank you - yesterday I found suggestions for better brands on this discussion site and I ordered samples from North Shore - I thought Depends was the gold standard but I guess not
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I agree - this is an exhausting routine - I will try the towel addition and I hope the NorthShore products are better than Depends
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@NewCareGiver540
At least he's happy to shower.
Sometimes the cut of a brief/diaper can make a huge difference in how well they work so trying a couple kinds makes sense.
Another thing that can cut down on laundry is using a waterproof pad underneath and between him and his top sheet/duvet. Northshore has these.https://store.directsupply.com/catalog/incontinence-supplies-underpads-195412?og=False&pi=3
I'm not a fan of restricting fluids unless he's compulsively drinking. Many folks retain water in their legs which means overnight urination. If you try elevating his legs to at least 90 degrees at the hip joint for a couple hours before bed and then toileting him, you may have less overflow at night.
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I use NorthShore on DW and they do hold a lot of fluid. I make sure DW has had plenty of fluid during the day, then cut her off around 5 to 6 pm. With plenty of trips to bathroom before bed. I do get up around 1 to 2 am. and change and wipe her down, then back to bed. It works for us.
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Yes - Tena, Prevail, Attends and others are much better than Depends. Had to learn that too. As posted above, the fit or right size will also make a difference.
As also mentioned, we use a disposable mattress pad on top of a washable one. Nothing makes it to the sheets.
Best of luck.
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Which other brands would you recommend? I would like to see one that has the absorbent layer all the way up the back just like in the front.
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We haven't gotten to this stage yet, but I'm wondering…is it possible to layer a cloth diaper (one used for babies) inside of the Depends to act as extra absorption? Similar to putting pads inside your underwear during menstrual cycles.
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Dry Direct is a good product….much better than Depends. I am now dealing with bowel incontinence and I’m beside myself. This is the worse! Does anybody have any suggestions? It’s just all over the place. This evening I just threw his pants away with the underwear. I couldn’t deal with it. 😥😥😥
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I'm in the same boat - is there a super absorbent brand that has the absorbent pad all the way up the front and back?
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I'm thinking it would involve extra washing and drying to use cloth diapers as inserts. The caregiving load can be quite heavy at times, so anything that lessens the number of extra chores is helpful. Also, disposables are made to lessen the irritation to the skin, and have deodorants in them to minimize the urine smell.
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@Cardenas1816
There are disposable absorbent doublers available from the online retailers that offer greater capacity. The downside of inserting a mens' guard or sanitary napkin is that they have a waterproof barrier which makes the less than ideal for additional protection.1 -
Breathability is important for the skin. This is why doubling up isn't good. If you are looking for overnight, I have had the most success with Seni. Attends is also a good brand. They are expensive but I think worth it as they are more heavy duty. I am currently using Seni.
I use a disposable underpad on top of a washable underpad. If anything is wet, it usually doesn't go to even the washable underpad. How long is your LO sleeping? No product can hold everything indefinitely, and it is best not to leave wet too long. A good barrier cream should be used to help protect the skin. I have been able to leave the product on for over 12 hours (overnight) with a good barrier with no skin issues to date. I prefer not to wake her up when sleeping. However, a close eye needs to be kept on the skin and, if an issue starts to develop, I will have to wake her and change her more often. During the day she is changed much more frequently.
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I went from Depends to Tena and find them quite absorbent and no leaks so far. I found them on Amazon.
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If you make cuts in the waterproof barrier, the urine can pass through to the pull up
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I also switched to the TENA brand overnight pull ups. They seem a little tight however there is a lot less leakage and laundry, sheets pads and even less PJs. As a note, we were using the S/M size in depends type and had to go to the L size for TENA. Still using the S/M size Always Discreet during the day.
This may sound a bit harsh, however I suggest you take the EMOTIONS out of it. It used to piss me off to no end doing laundry every morning for the reasons you list. I understand. My attitude/life improved when I accepted this is my life now. Urinarry, bowel and whatever other mess I had to clean up through the day. No emotions for the dirty task, just get it done. Emotions are for when I can sit with DW and connect any way we can. As you and I know this is all terrible. I try to save my emotions for the "better" times. Yes, I still get upset at times. Hang in there and vent often.
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Yes, fit is very important. Sometimes that is the cause for leaks. Tena is good. I use those at times but needed something more heavy duty for overnight.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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