CARE AT HOME UNSUSTAINABLE

Caregivers sometimes don’t take the time to see their doctor for regular checkups because they are too busy. This can obviously lead to major health issues. A person with dementia can become violent. A pwd may not sleep well at night or may wet the bed. A caregiver loses much needed sleep changing sheets, helping with toileting or just steering them back to bed. Don’t underestimate the problems stress can cause. High blood pressure being a big one. Could you physically get her out of the house if there were a fire? Caring for a pwd is a full time job plus some. It stinks, but as we get older we tire more easily and everything starts to ache. Could it be they are trying to find a nice way of saying she needs more care than you are able to provide? Keep in mind, things will only get more difficult. Even if you are confident she should remain home things may change quickly as dementia progresses. A simple fall ( either her or you) and everything could change instantly. Some facilities have a waiting list to get in. It’s always good to have a plan B. I would at least find a facility you like and get her on a waiting list.

I told my story here years ago, but since you asked what harm could result I’ll relate it again.

Due to the stress of caregiving I developed an extremely rare Autoimmune condition, the most virulent version of a blistering skin disease. Without treatment 80% of sufferers die within the first year. I have had infusion therapy for this condition which should significantly improve my odds, but I will be left with lifelong vigilance to survive.

I almost certainly had a genetic disposition for this, but in a normal life, doctors agree it would have remained dormant. (Researching my condition has also given me an honorary medical degree via google).

When I placed my wife I hadn’t yet developed my condition. I placed her after she needed a hospital stay and my family urged me to do so. Just weeks after I placed my DW, as I no longer was on whatever adrenaline kept me going on my caregiving duties, I ended up in the emergency room with my skin coming off.

My DW was better off in her MCF, she was well cared for. I was able to stabilized my condition and visit often, covered head to toe, as this condition is not contagious.

My condition is incredibly rare, literally less than a single digit per million so this isn't going to happen to you, but something else might. I urge you to at least plan for placement, as hard as it may be, financially and emotionally. It's pretty hard to know when your stress levels have gotten to be harmful but err on the side of caution. I felt that the mechanics of DW's care were bearable, and I thought of her as relatively easy as she had few bouts of difficult behaviors. Nonetheless I feel it was dealing with the 24/7 delusions, agitation and confusion that took its toll. We had the resources for DW's placement but I didn't do it earlier out of a sense of love, obligation, partnership or whatever and now I pay the price and she was no better or worse off than if I had placed her earlier.

@airwolf172

At the end of the day, this is your call to make.

That said, 2 professionals who are both very familiar with the realities of dementia care expressing the same concern would make me try to understand the "why?". While they could be projecting their own experiences or feelings, they may be seeing something you're too close to see.

Are you able to provide care around hygiene and medication compliance? FWIW, dad got much better care in the MCF than he did from mom. This was no fault of hers; he responded to her attempts to help him with a "you're not the boss of me" tantrum normally seen in threenagers. When the aides in the MCF gave meds, offered food or help with showers/dressing he cooperated with them as he saw them as medical professionals helping him. Another bonus was that she could stand down as hands-on caregiver and go back to being a doting wife.

Prior to dad's placement, mom had a paid aide 3 times weekly and I was available as needed and yet she still wasn't as proactive about her own health. I think this was down to her depression (treated with meds, a psych and talk therapy) leading to a sense of hopelessness. She had a medical crisis because she hadn't taken care of herself. She survived that, but in getting her BP under control, one of her optic nerves was damaged resulting in the loss of vision and her ability to drive (aka her independence, and mine)

HB