Another new development…
The past 3-4 weeks DH has been coming into the kitchen every 10 minutes while I am making dinner looking to see if dinner is ready. It is really putting pressure on me to get dinner ready immediately! Tell him I will let him know when it’s ready but doesn’t do any good . Anyone deal with this and how do you handle it? Any suggestions welcomed! Tks!
Comments
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If your DH is constantly asking when the meal is ready, is it because he is hungry or is he just being persistent? Hunger fuels Alzheimer's agitation from what I have seen. I have protein bars at the ready to give to my DW if she can't wait until the meal has been prepared. It works if hunger is the issue.
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I know how you feel. My DW would continually come into kitchen and ask. At first I tried to get her involved helping me by setting table or folding the napkins but eventually that didn’t work. I eventually tried to do prepping for dinner when she was watching tv or napping. That worked for a while and then I started making meals ahead of time and freezing them do all I had to do is microwave or air fry the food. Now my DW is stage 6 and has no interest in asking when dinner is ready. I hate to admit it but I now miss her bugging me about dinner.
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Thank you.. great insight and suggestions.
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Is it possible he is feeling antsy/agitated? It may be more a lack of patience rather than actual hunger. Is he feeling lonely without you in the room with him? I hope you can figure something out.
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My stage 5 DH has an intense sweet tooth now (he NEVER ate sweets in his former life). And he seems to be frequently hungry. So I keep an easy to open plastic box with his name on it (so he knows it’s his treats) in the fridge, filled with pieces of chocolate and oreo & choc cookies. When I notice he’s hungry and our next meal isn’t yet ready, I sit him down with his box and a cup of milk so he can fill up a bit and doesn’t become anxious. He’ll eat a few cookies and drink his milk and calms down.
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That sounds really frustrating.
Some strategies that might help—
Think about what he is really seeking. This might be a form of shadowing. You may be automatically thinking he's hungry when he is unsettled because you aren't in the room with him. Starting in the middle stages, orientation to time can be really off— he may feel like you've been gone all day when it's only been 20 minutes.
FWIW, my mom found this aspect of life with dementia very challenging. Dad's baseline was less than pleasant with her and yet she was like his security blanket. He took to the sofa in his dementia which bored mom— stupid TV shows and repetitive stories. She would try to "escape" by cooking and doing chores in other rooms which only agitated him.
Think about the sorts of meals you're making. Are there things you can assemble earlier in the day (say right after breakfast or while he naps) or in batches that could be heated in the over without you needed to babysit them or that need only a quick sauté stovetop? Can you save time using pre-cut veggies or bagged salads? A meal prep service or store-made entrees that can be heated at home?
If he's legit hungry, maybe it makes sense to either have an afternoon snack to keep his blood sugar level or offer him an appetizer of cheese and crackers or raw veggies in the other room. Or sit him down to start on his soup or salad.
Good luck with this. Your emotions matter, too.
HB2 -
Ask your husband to help.
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it could be that he just wants to communicate in some meaningful way with you. You could try giving him a kiss and a hug and a job to do, cutlery or plates onto the table.
My DH does the same thing, stands in the kitchen and just looks, it’s quite unnerving but I use 3 or 4 prepared Lite N’Easy meals a week, they take 6 minutes in the microwave then I present them on a plate and there you are a meal in 6 minutes. I suffered with meal fatigue before I found these, i can then have an egg on toast or noodles and vegs or anything else that I want, it all helps.
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My DH did that. I would offer him a snack or a beverage. Also I often made his breakfast ahead of time and heated it up in the morning. That worked with other meals too. I could get them on the table pretty quick.
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Oh my gosh..this is my life daily. I have decided it is shadowing. If I go in the closet to change into lounging clothes, he goes into the closet to change into lounging clothes. If I shower, he finds a reason to go in there. I still work remotely and the second he hears my office door open, he darts out there and follows me into the kitchen and shows me all of the most random things he has found on his phone. Same with cooking. I don't think it has anything to do with agitation, but I def think it gets worse as it gets later in the day, like sundowning. But I just think he can't pay attention to anything any longer and he is looking to me for entertainment. I can't read a book at night or even send a text message without him asking questions. It's like he has to have my attention focused on him at all times and if he doesn't he starts acting out and making all of these random sounds or pretending to hum a song that doesn't exist. Such a bummer for you. I have heard some people say it is a phase and only lasts so long, but for now, I feel like I am losing my mind for sure. Hang in there.
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All good suggestions and insight into this horrible disease. One line from the above ("I have heard people say it only lasts so long…") response triggered this thought. It does only last so long and then it will be over forever and you will never get to do anything, with him again. Not to be morbid at all but our reality is that our loved one's disease cannot be fixed and their world must be a nightmare for them. We just have to find a way to let go of so many things in order to care for them. We can get all that normalcy back in time but then I can tell you from experience (my DW left last year) it won't matter then. As I look back now, I beg for another day to do all those things I thought I hated in the moment and now understand that I cannot ever have them again. Come here and vent, cry, yell, etc. whenever you need to. Yes, it only lasts so long and then forever starts without them. Let the good people here help you get through this and offer experienced suggestions and hopefully you will find some that work for you and help you make just one more day.
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@sharingpeace45
This sounds similar to my dad with mixed dementia.
He used to vocalize— things like "uh-oh!" and tuneless skat songs. Early on it seemed almost like the kind of stim a person on spectrum might have that serves to be self-amusement or calming. As he progressed it mostly surfaced when mom was busy with something else— prepping dinner, on the phone, visiting with me. Once I was in their kitchen telling mom about the sale of her home in FL and dad vocalized his "uh-oh!" every 20-seconds while I was there. I timed him.
His form of shadowing was a bit different; he'd stay on the sofa and call mom to him constantly. The lazy was strong in him.
HB5 -
My husband was like this so I switched to a chef-made meal delivery service just for his meals. I use Cook Unity. He loves the meals and most are just 3 minutes in the microwave to heat up.
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howhale how very insightful. You are right when it's over its finished, no more of anything, my life my love gone. I am not looking forward to that. My Doctor said to me yesterday don't cry now he is still here with you somehow find the strength to rejoice in that, save the tears for when he is not here and you are alone. Sounds a little brutel but it's too true.
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You are lucky to have a doctor with that understanding of the reality of the disease and being the caregiver for one afflicted. I almost never cried during her illness because we cannot in front of them and we are so consumed with caring for them. Afterwards, almost ten months after now, I don't know if the crying will ever catch up with what I held in. See the joy in being able to hold that hand, touch that body, kiss that cheek, look into those eyes. All the best to you.
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