Navigating mom's move to MC from six hours away

DMVGirl · June 15

Hello, I'm really glad I found this resource and hope I can get some support from online.

Brief history: I live about 6 hours from my family. About 10 years ago my mom had a TIA and was fine until about March last year, when she fell and hit her head--either another stroke or balance problems; no idea. My dad covered for her a lot until he told us she was acting very differently (my brother and I did not live in town). When we went to visit, it was clear something was wrong but she resisted going to a neurologist for months. In the meantime, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. The day after he was diagnosed, my mom was formally diagnosed with dementia and told she had had a stroke just a few days before per an MRI. Brother and I moved them to his house (a few hours away) as quickly as possible and my dad passed last November, about a month after he was diagnosed.

My mom stayed with my brother and his family for about 5 months and then she asked to move to assisted living (did not like his food!). She still lives about six hours away from me. Mom was at assisted living for about two months and then started getting very paranoid, having delusions, trying to "leave" to go to the library, etc. She was just put into memory care. She saw her doctor today and he was surprised by the sharp decline; said that the disease could have been progressing really rapidly or she had another stroke.

I am having a really hard time with all of this. I was pretty close with both of my parents and, while I have had some time to mourn my dad, am also mourning the loss of my mom in front of me. My brother and I have bonded some over the past year due to all of these challenges (luckily we are on the same page) but aren't particularly close. I am especially struggling with the feelings of guilt that I am not there enough for my mom physically. And, when I am with her physically, I leave overwhelmed and depressed that my mom is now "new mom," who calls my brother her dad and doesn't know what time or day it is.

Does anyone have advice on how to deal with the guilt of being far-ish away from a parent who is in very rapid decline? Or, really, how to cope with the feeling of losing a parent in front of you? (I am open to therapy but finding someone is difficult, and my family overall is supportive but is also dealing with this).

caregiving daughter · June 17

Sit down and plan when you are able to visit. Move forward on your plan and release the guilt of not getting there more often. You are doing your best.

Find ways to assist your brother to the extent he is able to visit more often. Memory care facilities typically have a monthly care meeting. Ask that you be the one to handle virtually. To the extent your mom needs new shirts or pajamas, you can be the one to do that shopping.

Understand that you are starting the very long journey of grieving. When my mom died, my husband told his brother that "it hadn't hit me yet". I quickly told my husband that it had been hitting me over the last eight years. Find comfort in your heart that often, folks with dementia have no idea of the illness.

At especially hard times, find a local memory care, skilled nursing, or even animal shelter and find a small way to give back. When my mom was angry with me given she had to move, I would find another resident and sit and talk with them. I am very sure that helping someone else for an hour will provide you with some light and love. It's the reason I come back here.

Navigating mom's move to MC from six hours away

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