Feels Like A Different Stage
Hi Everyone,
When I found this group, I knew it would be supportive. Just reading all of your responses has given me a little peace of mind.
My mom is 93 and two years ago was diagnosed with possible early dementia after leaving her home at 11PM and walking to the hairdresser's. Nothing like this has ever happened again, thankfully. Her MOCA showed 17/30 as moderate cognitive impairment in 2024. Was unable to recall any new information, and no insight into memory loss. Her hearing is impaired, but she is adamant about not getting hearing aids and, frankly, would not be able to use them. She stopped driving last July.
She opened a children's dress shop in her 30's and is revered in our neighborhood. She worked until she was 82. She lives independently, after losing my dad 20 years ago. She does Pilates five days a week, belongs to the church choir, and is active in her church. I live less than two minutes away from her, have become her driver, and pretty much take care of all her needs.
About six weeks ago, I noticed a dramatic shift in her inability to recall any new information - even if I gave it to her an hour before. Her church friends told me what they've been seeing - more confusion, too. Anything new that I show her how to do, she has no recall. Docor''s visits she can't remember and it just feels like every day if feels like I am repeating information.
I've researched a lot, and she is going to her primary for blood work just to make sure things are okay. She will never agree to any other testing. She is a proud woman who is still lamenting the fact that she can't drive. I hate that her autonomy is slowly being taken away.
From the outside, no one would know anything is wrong. She looks amazing and rises to any occasion. Her favorite child, my brother (he was everybody's favorite), died last year, in just 13 days from diagnosis, from Pancreatic Cancer, which is what also took my dad. She has been a rock through all of this.
We have all of her finances in order and will be meeting with an Estate Lawyer very soon. I plan to have my mom live with me if I see anything that warrants this type of new living arrangement. I also know that I have to meet her where she is and not think about who she was or what might possibly happen.
Before my brother died, I would spend time interviewing her about her life, and I have all of the transcripts.
Could she stay like this for a while, or are these signs that the disease is progressing quickly? Thank you for all of your guidance.
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@Abonavitacola, welcome, though I am sorry for the reason you are here, in need of support.
You said, "I plan to have my mom live with me if I see anything that warrants this type of new living arrangement."
Again, I am sorry to say, mom is ALREADY showing the need for new living arrangement. With her progressive memory loss, it is a matter of time before she does not know how many minutes is needed to warm food in the microwave. When cooking, she may get distracted and forget the stove was left on. She may even forget to empty the lint filter of the clothes dryer. Any, and all, of the above could cause a catastrophic, if not fatal, house fire. When our loved ones start down the path of short term memory loss, there is no way for us to know when they will start losing long term memory. You do not want to find out after the fact.
My darling mom (DM) lived independently in her marital home for 12 years after my dad died. My sibling was also everyone's favorite. 🥰 As 'fate' would have it, they died shortly after my dad. I am left to care for my DM.
I moved mom into an ILF after 3 kitchen fires and a temporary season of total blindness. Why did I wait so long? Mom kept crying about not wanting to move or to lose her independence.
Mom has now moved in with me as of 3 weeks ago. I was picking up that every day she was experiencing moderate amount of confusion. Along with that, she was either not taking her meds as I set them out for her on a daily basis, or, she was overdosing on them. She was taking a day's a.m. and p.m doses together, then come that night's p.m, she was then taking the next night's p.m dose. Mom has also forgotten that she bore a daughter (me) with a life threatening disease. She often asks me why I am in bed.
Mom was diagnosed with MCI/Dementia in December 2024 and Alzheimers and Vascular Dementia were the official cause given in Feb of this year. I had, however, been seeing signs of decline for the last 4-5 years. Stupid PCP would not take my nursing judgment seriously and refused to test her prior.
Please transition your mom ASAP. Again, you do not want to find out how impaired she is, AFTER the fact. All the best to you!🫂
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agreeing with JulietteBee - also - your mom may be 'showtiming', which is exactly as it sounds. She can possible temporarily have you believe things are better than they really are.
Unfortunately, we cannot know the timeline for next stages. MIL (also vascular and alz) hung in there at stage 4, I think, for quite some time. Stage 5 practically breezed by, and she is now in middle stage 6. She could hang in there for a year, a few months, or another TIA could set her back at any time.
You can check out the DBAT for further information on the stages:
Sorry you are dealing with 'this' horrid disease.
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Thank you so much for this response. We just returned from the doctor, who at least right at this moment, does not see an imminent need. She had four pages of my notes. We also spoke about the impact of grief on accelerating what I am seeing. BUT, I am attuned to every single thing and my brother and I have already spoken about her living with me after the summer. I can't tell you how much it means to have had you tell me like it is.
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Thank you. I just looked up that term and thought…this is why she masks it so well at church or during my brother's celebration of life, she was literally the bell of the ball. At the doctor's today (I gave her four pages of notes to read before she walked into the room), my mom said she was fine :), but the doctor knew better. A new term - one of many I am going to have to learn. Thanks very much.
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Welcome. I am shocked a doctor would not be concerned about a person with these symptoms living alone. My mom was diagnosed at stage 4 and told she was not safe to live alone. Mentally she is aging in reverse. What she is capable of today may be a life threatening problem tomorrow. In my opinion it’s best to act proactively. The alternative could be ugly. I will just add a bunch of resources.
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Thank you so much! I really appreciate these resources. Alexis
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The resource H1235 shared on anosognosia is so helpful.
I also like this 3 minute video. It's one that I can share with friends and family who might not read an article, but I could probably get them to view this. Anyway… in case it helps you too…
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This is absolutely terrific. Thank you. I will be sending it to others via the YouTube link.
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I can't thank you enough for these resources. They are so helpful. Alexis
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This is fabulous. I have such a better understanding now. Alexis
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I signed up for early access - thank you.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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