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let her try to take him. They won’t even get there because he will want to come home. It will be an eye-opener for her. Make sure the staff calls you when he leaves and when he returns.
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I am at the point of talking to MCF’s now and they all say that if I want to take my DW out anytime they are fine with it. I myself have no plans to take her out anywhere. Right now lately I have tried restaurant trips, Costco trips etc and she is just confused and I’m stressing the whole time that we are out trying to redirect her. With your two examples of trips out, I would bring the ice cream to him and sit with him while we thumbed through a book with zoo animal pictures. Lot less stress for all of us.
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I agree. I think it’s always a risk to take someone out of MC if they are prone to wanting to go back home, or not go back to the facility. Changes like that can cause anxiety, even if the outing itself is fun. They will forget the fun part and remember the anxiety. His daughter sounds like she’s in denial on how bad he is. She needs to remember that her presence at visits is more important than an outing.
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If she takes him out, make sure you are not immediately available to rescue the situation. She will need to work on solving it on her own for a while.
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His physical and mental safety is the most important thing. If the daughter , at her age and with her educational background ,doesn't understand risking his peace of mind doing activities that don't bring him pleasure that isn't a lesson you need to give her.
I couldn't think of two worse places - an ice cream shop with people crowded in pointing, pushing and yelling orders or a zoo with kids darting around , strange sounds and smells etc .
I'd let the MC know you don't want him taken out and as politely as you can ask the daughter - is it your Dad you want to see at his current best or bragging rights you went somewhere with him. Explain it is quality of visit not the type.
Biggest downside is these trips get him so worked up you'll have trouble taking him somewhere in the future ,like the dentist, where he needs to go.2 -
I don't have experience with MC (yet) but it seems to me that you have the power to say where and when your LO will leave on outings. If it is your opinion that he is worse after an outing, then tell the daughter that. Surely, the MC has to have your permission to allow your DH to leave. I wonder if the daughter is uncomfortable around people with dementia. She may need to have some sort of activity to do with her dad to make her feel more comfortable.
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I think if you just let her take him and then she will figure out what a mistake it is, there could be big problems. He may end up stressed and confused (more than normal) for days after. He could fall or become dehydrated because she is oblivious to his needs and the fact that he tires quickly. He could get upset and very anxious during the trip, demanding to go home. Sure she may learn her lesson, but at what cost. I definitely think you should discuss this with the staff. I would then try to tell her kindly and firmly outing are not an option and here is why.
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i will definitely not be available. It’s all on her.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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