Screaming into the Abyss

On YouTube is my favorite song by Dory Previn, "Screaming in a twenty mile zone", please listen in place of a sweat shirt. I turn R and R up loud, drive fast and burst loose for ten minutes every once in a while. My sweatshirt.

The urge to scream is a peculiar sensation. It is something I did not realize was in me until DW got this disease. Sometimes I would go out in the yard to scream so as to minimize DW's fright. I impressed myself with the strength of my voice and would not have been surprised had the police arrived (although that did not ever happen).

I have had the same feelings many days. I on occasion have also screamed in our garage to release the frustration caused by my DW and the

disease. You are certainly not alone in your feelings of frustration. This is part of what we are all enduring.

I once wrote that if I can hear my neighbors dog barking through their home and into my home does that mean they can hear me screaming from my home into their home. I guess not or else I probably would’ve had someone knocking on my door. It happens. Sometimes spontaneously. But now that we are in the twilight of her existence I can’t justify it (as if I ever could). Our human bodies and brains weren’t built to do this. It’s the brains way of coping I guess. May god have mercy on all of us.

Joining the group my car was my go to often while in the earlier stages. Once I screamed so loud DW came running. Car didn't hold it all in, the frustration, hurt, anger…. Started going down to the river near us. The ducks think I'm a crazy person and keep their distance. 🤣

I hadn't checked this group in a while, but this morning I felt I had to come here. I'm crying over nothing/everything and feel guilty for being depressed as if it's selfish. I have good caregivers to help with most of his care, but they always ask me what he wants for breakfast, etc (as if I could know), and I always feel watched myself. I actually had to go to the ER Saturday because of tightness in my chest, which was, of course, stress. (I told everyone so!) We live in the woods, so maybe a good scream would help me too, but I think I do need to address some of my personal crap in a way that might make things better.