No purpose

pgardner · July 13

I am struggling with helping my Mom feel she still has a purpose. After 2 1/2 years in AL, she was recently (3 weeks ago) moved to MC. Her anxiety was increasing and staff felt as though the smaller environment would be better for her. In between activities (she would go, but rarely actively participate) she didn't know what to do. She would call me several times during the day and evening with the same, not knowing what she should be doing, and she needed to be with someone all the time. She is not transitioning well. She is one of the higher functioning people there and she knows something is 'wrong in her head'. She cries when I walk in to visit, saying she is dead. We talk for a while and she is okay. When I go to leave she wants to go with me. Today when my brother visited she wanted to leave with him and got mad, stormed to her room and slammed the door on him. She has never been like this and it breaks my heart. She is sad and getting worse. I am trying to find something she can do to give her purpose. She says there is nothing to do. The facility does have some activities, but she does not like 'stupid word games'. She wants to do something meaningful. Has anyone dealt with this and found meaningful activities? In my research, I know people have given prior teachers papers to grade, but she did not have a career. She has recently spoken about previously being in charge of people, but that was before my time. I am afraid she is going to just give up.

harshedbuzz · July 13

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for the reason you're here but glad you found this place.

Does this facility have a geriatric psychiatrist addressing her anxiety? If so, I'd consult them for a medication adjustment. If not, I'd schedule her to see someone.

HB

Anonymousjpl123 · July 13

That transition can be brutal. My mom went through it. Are there any other higher functioning residents? It also may help for her to connect with some of the staff. I think the “in between” - too far along to manage in AL, not quite ready to be settled in MC - requires a lot of extra attention, time, and care. It’s never easy. But she may surprise you. She may take on a caregiving role there, or gain self esteem bonding with staff. Do they ever take trips or go to AL for activities? she will get through this, but it is an adjustment. It makes sense if you think about it. She’s aware something is wrong, but doesn’t understand what it is. I am glad you found this place, lots of good advice here from those of us who have been there.

April23 · July 13

My dad went through this as well. When he moved to his RCF, he suddenly lamented the loss of his job even though he had been retired almost 25 years.

Can she help the caregivers with anything there? Water plants, put placemats on the dining room table at meals, sort laundry, fold towels? Just some suggestions.

Three weeks also isn’t very long but with time hopefully she will settle in.

caregiving daughter · July 13

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I agree with others that anxiety is likely playing a role. I don't know that giving a purpose may be the match. Someone with dementia may struggle with executive functioning skills such that picking up a pile of photos and sorting may just not be possible. She is saying, "stupid word games"; however, the reality may be that she is not following the instructions. If she is not participating in activities, she is likely scared or unable to decide to become involved. I am hoping the home provides a lot of "cue-ing" and encouraging her to join a circle. As hard as it is, you may want to let some calls go to voicemail and remember there are eyes and ears 24/7. Is it possible to visit and observe such that you aren't even noticed? When she says being in charge of people, she may be seeing something at the home that is giving her this idea. You could try wrapping three or four of her trinkets from home in tissue and leave them for her to unwrap to keep her busy. She could then decide where to place them. Do be ready for them to disappear as either another resident may find attractive or I recall my mom giving her items to caregivers as her form of payment. It did, however, give my mom a feeling of control.

terei · July 14

You might talk to the staff to see if there is any kind of ‘job’ they can have her do. Tidy the activity room, hand out papers, fold napkins etc etc. You can tell her they asked you if she could help with some projects and encourage her to help them with the other residents

emmee · July 16

I'd suggest trying different activities/tasks first, and then if nothing helps, seeing if medication like Zoloft may help.

Others above mentioned some great task ideas. Maybe some adult coloring books and colored pencils would be more fun and easy than word games and give her a sense of satisfaction at finishing each individual design/page?

Also, she might not be far enough along for this yet, but a lifelike baby doll has been the #1 most helpful thing we accidentally discovered my mom benefited from when we noticed her paying attention to my youngest's doll. Since she isn't able to discern it's not a real baby, she loves to hold it, wrap it in a blanket, etc. and it gives her joy, a sense of purpose, and a sense that her children are ok as she would often express worry about her kids (who are actually all adults now) when she was more verbal.

Even before someone can't understand it's not a real baby, she still might want to have it if she's lost the sense that an adult wouldn't usually play with a doll, so it could work for that reason.

No purpose

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