Thoughts on taking Mom for hometown visit?

lilacgirl · July 14

My mom moved into AL near me, 2.5 hours away from her house, in April. She has adjusted fairly well, only occasionally talking about the possibility of someday moving back to her house, but for the most part, accepting of her current situation (even if somewhat grudgingly).

She was notified recently that my dad's headstone was finally installed at the cemetery there, and she really wants to go see it and take flowers. The cemetery is right down the street from her house, which we have not sold yet.

My brother has offered to take her, and he does want to go to her house because he needs to get some paperwork that is still there. They are not going to sleep there or anything like that. We are nervous about what her reaction is going to be to actually seeing her home again, though. She has come right out and said that she is afraid that once she sees it again, she might not want to come back.

One one hand, that is our biggest fear — we don't want this to cause unnecessary stress or anything. She already suffers from anxiety as it is. On the other hand, we are kind of hoping that seeing her practically empty house and noticing that 2 of her favorite neighbors have moved away might help her to be able to let it go and say goodbye. We also feel like it is her right to visit her husband's grave while she's still cognizant of the situation.

Does anyone have any experience with this?

H1235 · July 14

My brother often preached to me about moms rights. In my opinion those rights should only be honored as long as they don’t cause her harm. They should not be a given. If you think this is going to cause her increased stress, depression, or anxiety then you shouldn’t go through with it. My brother thought mom had a right to decide what she wanted to bring with her to the nursing home. It was non of my business. You can imagine how that went. That’s a very long drive! Will she be ok with the drive? This would never work with my mom. She has a very unhealthy attachment to her home and all the stuff in it. She does not want us to touch anything. She hasn’t lived there in 3 1/2 years. Even when we took her there after being gone for a year, she wanted to wash the living room curtains, pull weeds in the garden and a bunch of other stuff that made no sense. Will your mom be surprised that the house is almost empty? Do you think she will want to fuss with things at the house? Will she want to load up boxes of things she doesn’t need to bring back with her (this would be my mom’s issue)? Will she insist on going upstairs or downstairs (even if she is unsteady on her feet)? I found keeping mom from her house has caused her a lot of stress and anger, but there is no question taking her to her house would be 10 times worse. Mom’s dementia symptoms were the worst while visiting her house. On the flip side, my mil had no attachment to her things or her home at all. Everyone is so different you need to follow your gut. If you decide one or the other or neither are a good idea, you might just try putting it off or apologize and tell her you don’t have time to bring her by the house. I can understand your brother wanting to save himself a trip by stopping at the house while he is there, but I don’t think that should come into play here. You would not believe the lengths I have gone to avoid stressing mom out. Make the decision you think is best for your mom, not most convenient for your brother. If you disagree with this trip will your brother support your decision or cause problems. Mine would tell mom, he wanted to bring her but I wouldn’t let him.

lilacgirl · July 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277359#Comment_277359

Yes, my brother and I are on the same page about this— and most things, thank goodness. We are leaning away from taking her, maybe just pretending to put it off. He may just tell her he can’t get away that weekend, and go there without telling her. So hard to know what is best.

ARIL · July 15

I think your qualms are well founded. For my PWD, a visit to the house would not have gone well, even much earlier in the disease progression than we are now.

Also remember that hoping she will see the house and the missing neighbors and reason her way into accepting that that stage of her life is over—that sounds like expecting a LOT of careful reasoning from someone with cognitive decline. This part seems really unlikely.

caregiving daughter · July 15

What you have described, in terms of the visit, sounds very logical. Please remember though that the pwd has impaired judgement. My sis and mom's friend took her home on a couple of occasions. They saw that she was fine when she visited. What they didn't see was distress and anger for a couple days after each time. I wished that my mom didn't have to go through all those emotions and instead was calm in her new home.

Thoughts on taking Mom for hometown visit?

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