Sad, stressed, and need to talk to others

dove77 · July 19

I am new to this site. My significant other (SO), is battling Alzheimer's. I just need to know what I am able to do to make both our lives easier. I feel like I have already lost a lot of the man I married. He has good days and bad days. But, it has taken a toll on us. I am having to do the things he use to do along with working and handling the loss of my mom. I guess I need to know what can I do to make both our lives easier?

JulietteBee · July 19

I just wanted to express my condolence to you as you grieve the death of your dear mother.💔🙏🏽

Is your income such that you could hire people to do what he used to do; such as a landscaper for the lawn, a handyman for household repairs, and a mechanic to work on your car? Assuming that your household members may have non-gender biased chores such that he did the cooking, use a meal service. We use Every Plate.

All the best as you navigate this pot-holed road called Dementia.🫂

ADar · July 19

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76593/sad-stressed-and-need-to-talk-to-others

Hello and welcome to the site. Actually, I am brand new to the site also as of this morning. I care for my husband who is into the tenth year from the day he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I feel the sadness, stress and the need to talk to other caregivers too. I lean on the Lord for all of my strength. I will keep you in prayer Dove77🙂

Biggles · July 19

@dove77 I am so sorry about the loss of your mother particularly at this very difficult time. The loss of empathy and understanding due to our SO illness is something else we have to cope with but not being able to properly share your grief makes this time very sad.
Take all the help you can even if you think you don’t need it, working puts another layer of difficulty into your life.

Good days and bad days are the norm, I take note of the good days and relish them and try to push the bad days away. Everyone’s situation is different but the same. My DH has VD and Aphasia so conversation is very difficult, I play music a lot, talking on the tv or radio confuses him and stresses him so I have my phone in my back pocket and play music that suits his mood, old stuff new stuff even some classical. I also sing ditties because he can’t talk, like first thing in the morning corny stuff eg Dorris Day “good morning, good morning, it’s great to stay out late, good morning to you” it helps me get a positive attitude to start the day (every day) yikes 😧 I silently cry a lot tears down the face and DH doesn’t notice but I try so hard to make everything we do as nice as possible, breakfast with the birds outside every morning, a mini picnic lunch at the park, a drive through milkshake at Macdonald’s etc. it’s hard and takes so much energy, sole destroying but I adore him and I am all that he has.
If you are ready for them two articles that helped me incredibly on this site by Bill ‘The Cavalry’s Not Coming’ and ‘The Caregivers Brain’

Take care and come here often.

annie51 · July 19

Welcome to this forum that nobody wishes to be in. But this site is the greatest place for talking to others that can really relate to what you’re going through.

Others here have given you some good advice. You can’t do it all yourself, especially while you’re still working. Look into possible resources for in-home help, like VA if he’s a veteran, or your local Area Agency on Aging. Also something that helped me was to keep in mind this phrase: DIRM - Does It Really Matter (from a great book called “Did I Remember to Tell You?” By Pam Kovacs Johnson). I used to stress about things that really did not matter, like when my DH would move furniture around, or put three shirts on, or blame me for something I didn’t do. You take a deep breath and ask yourself Does It Really Matter. Many times the answer is no and my stress level would go down.

If you can find a local support group for yourself, that would also be helpful.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother. I know what it’s like to lose someone while caring for the man you’re losing little by little. No empathy from a person with dementia, but we can empathize here. Please use this site often - it helped me immensely, even if it was to just vent about something that no one else would understand.

Bowerbird · July 19

I also welcome you to this site, in particular these forums, which can bring you empathy and knowledge anytime you need it. It is such a wonderful welcoming place, so be sure to utilize it often, whether you feel the need to rant or just have a question.

If you have not done so already, I'd suggest reading The 36 Hour Day, a guide to caring for those with dementia. It give much needed insight into this difficult journey. There are also helpful videos and website by Teepa Snow and Tam Cummings. The knowledge these bring goes a long way into understanding what you are dealing with.

I highly recommend contacting an elder law attorney. They can help you protect your assets and plan for possible long term care down the road.

Maru · July 19

i am sorry about the loss of your mother. My last remaining brother, the last member of my own family, died a year ago and I had to totally stuff that grief because of my DH's early dementia. So, I know how tough that can be.

I have learned to let the small things go (a work in progress). I only have so much energy and have to decide if this or that is important enough to upset DH or not. I make sure the essentials get done…meds, hygiene, safety, good nutrition, plus letting him know every day that I love him and will be with him always.

If I can't do something that needs to be done, I either ask my son or son-in-law or hire someone. I have someone come and clean house 2 x month and I know that a caretaker/sitter for DH is near on the horizon. Equally important is that I make sure that as long as DH is content on the computer or watching sports, that i spend time upstairs in my studio. Making art helps me keep myself in a good place…self care is very important. What we caretakers have been tasked to do is to totally give ourselves to the other in ways no one else can understand, but you must take care of yourself or you won't be there to the end.

Cami · July 19

I am brand new today. I just have not been able to coordinate with the support groups offered locally. My brother died of Covid in 2022 and I got a lot of help from being on a special support group just for people who lost loved ones from Covid. I hope this group will also help. I am a Clinical Social Worker by profession and worked in health care my whole career. I know what's coming and I'm sad and terrified. My husband is in early to mid stage Alzheimer's. I have done better with accepting it and better with recognizing when something is not a big deal and I let it go but as you all know, it is hard. I wish I had words of wisdom for the OP - I would encourage everyone on this forum to be sure to keep their friendships alive, go out when you can , even if your spouse is apathetic and doesn't want to go out. I also am painting and creating. That has helped.

dcare45 · July 19

Welcome dove77 I'm glad you found this site. .

I count little victories wherever I can. If the shower goes well, VICTORY. When the grass gets cut, VICTORY. When a meal gets cooked without drama, VICTORY. When I complete an outside appointment, VICTORY. All small but I count them. I don't know if it makes anything easier, but it gives me a little breathing room.

As far as working also that was tough. I used an Adult Enhancement Center for DW while I was at work. Had to use Family Leave towards the end and quit working earlier then I had planned. I am just recently into support groups and wish I had started earlier. It helps to know I am not alone and neither are you

Sad, stressed, and need to talk to others

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