Dad...

Hollopeter3 · July 21

My Dad was a narcissistic man my entire life so far and now he is in the nursing home for PT from a back surgery he had at the end of April. Since his surgery, we have discovered he has had multiple strokes, he has been delirious and he has vascular dementia. The surgery took 8 hours and with all of his other issues such as unmanaged diabetes and previous strokes his mind could not take the procedure well and dealing with the aftermath is not easy. I have 2 siblings and my mom is still in the picture, but I feel like I am on an island. He calls me daily with accusations that my mom is cheating on him, and you can't talk him out of it. He asks when he is going home, and I don't know what to tell him, because at this time he can't for the safety of him and mom. He hasn't walked since the surgery and he has lost 50 lbs., mostly muscle due to his lack of wanting to get out of bed or move. He has been recently hospitalized for a horrible UTI and now back in the home. I feel so lost and out of my element and everyone is looking to me to make decisions about how to handle things. I am also trying to protect my mom from the some of the stress as she is also dealing with her own father's issues. I feel like if I keep this up for very much longer I am going to break or lose my own family somehow.

Sorry for the rant, but I am running out of people to talk to about this as I start to feel like the over obsessed crazy person who has nothing but bad things to talk about in my life.

SusanB-dil · July 21

Hi Hollopeter3 - Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

You can rant here. We understand. I'm not quite sure, though, that you are saying he wants to go home, but that he is back in the home… If he is at his house, this is not so unusual that a PWD wishes to go home.

Please don't feel that you need to answer his calls each time. Let it go to voicemail and then maybe answer one of the calls later in the day. No, you will not convince him that mom is stepping out. You are attempting to reason with someone who's reasoning is broken. If you could you disappear the phone, that would be even better. Besides annoying you, he could be talking to scammers. Tell him it is broken and you are waiting on another phone to come in, rinse and repeat as necessary.

Who has DPOA for dad? You or that person could check with hospice to see if you qualify for some much-needed help. ASAP! Also - check on getting some outside help at least a day or more a week. Some, not all, insurance companies will cover at least some assistance, but you'd have to check on that.

Rule #1: Don't argue with a PWD. Rule #1: Take care of the caregiver. Rule #2: See rule #1 - both of them.

Do get some help ASAP, because it sounds like you are headed toward burnout yourself.

Edit to add: Do tell his doc about this agitation. May need a meds adjustment. There are meds that can help without becoming zombied.

Hollopeter3 · July 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277900#Comment_277900

SusanB-dil, thank you for your kind words of advise. When I say he is back in the home, I mean to say nursing home, not his home with my mom. He wants to go home to be with my mom, but for safety concerns for both due to him being a high risk for falling and the incontinence as well as the many other things, meds, dietary needs, etc., it isn't likely he will ever return home with my mom. He needs to be in a MC facility, but we can't seem to convince the right people that the dementia has progressed past the need for a standard nursing facility. He has been verbally combative with threats of SI/HI and has figured out if he talks like that it will get him an ambulance ride to the hospital. When he gets to the hospital he sweet talks everyone there to the point that they send him back to the nursing home. It has been a cycle of this for the last week and we need it to stop but no one will listen and help.

H1235 · July 21

Someone here said they actually took a video of the threats and bad behavior and showed that to the doctors as evidence that medications or an increase was needed. I agree that it’s ok to not take his calls. Check in once a day. Never ever try to reason with him. It will just cause you a lot of stress. I finally talked with my doctor about anxiety medication for myself. I’m glad I did. Like you I often feel like I have no one to talk with but the great people here. My daughter has her own family and changes the subject right away, my husband gets sick of listening to it (and is probably a little bitter that I’m always so busy with mom stuff), my brother causes me more stress than my mom (He has his head in the sand and dumps all his problems on her causing her so much stress. He also does almost nothing to help. Blames me for everything). It’s so difficult. Since you are new here I will add a few resources that might be helpful, just in case you haven’t run across them yet.

https://www.helpinghandshomecare.co.uk/care-advice/what-is-show-timing-in-dementia-patients/

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

DBAT.pdf

SusanB-dil · July 21

Agree with H1235 - get some video of those bad behaviors. When he gets his ride to the hospital, he is not only sweet-talking, he is doing what they call showtiming. Kind of the same thing. 'putting on a show' when it counts - to medical professionals, visitors, etc…

@H1235 - ((hugs))

Hollopeter3 · July 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277943#Comment_277943

Thank you, that is exactly what we are dealing with, the showtiming, it's frustrating.

Hollopeter3 · July 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277914#Comment_277914

I appreciate your advise and the attachments, it was very helpful. I am sorry you are dealing with this as well and you are not alone. Thank you!

Dad...

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