DH's cruel and angry outbursts

JudyT · August 15

Today was so horrible. My DH has Alzheimer's. This morning began with him thinking that is Mom was still alive (she's been gone for 20 years) and that I was moving in and trying to take over her house. No matter how gently I tried to tell him that it was mine and his home, the angrier he became. I don't believe he would ever physically hurt me, but he made lots of threats to do so. The confusion and anger came out of nowhere.

Usually speaking with one of our grown daughters on the phone will help defuse the situation but he became a very angry at them as well and accused us all of lying. He demanded I give him the keys to our home and leave or he would call the police.

After trying to reason with him I finally left and drove to a local park and just sat and cried. I don't know how to do this. I'm either in tears or walking on egg shells. He asks me almost daily when I'm going home. He forgets were married. The only thing that gets me through the day is waiting for him to fall asleep after his nightly medicine so I have a few moments of peace, and even this makes me feel guilty. The sadness is suffocating.

annie51 · August 15

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hard when our life partner suddenly becomes this unrecognizable person you’re living with, and you’re walking on eggshells so as not to set them off. It’s exhausting and frustrating. Trying to reason with them is futile - they cannot reason. Trying to correct them usually doesn’t end well either, but it’s so hard to live in their world and come up with an alternative story on the spot. The only advice I can give you is to have some “prepared” answers for him when he asks when you’re going home and use them over and over. If he’s like my DH was, he’ll forget your answer soon after anyway. Something like “my house is being worked on so I need to stay here a while longer” or “I’ll go home tomorrow” or “I enjoy being here with you if that’s ok?” See what works and what calms him down. Sending hugs 🫂.

jgreen · August 15

Dear @JudyT

So sorry you are experiencing such a bad time with DH. I was in same situation yesterday and ended up having a ‘meltdown’ myself. Here are a couple of thoughts:

First and foremost - we are doing the very best we can for our LOs. We need to take a moment (like you did to get away for a bit) and take some deep breaths. We also need to give ourselves some grace.

Sounds like your daughters are big helps to you. Lean on them for support and to help diffuse things when the going gets rough.

There are meds to help with the anger and aggression. I encourage you to talk with your/his doctor and get him on something, or get his meds adjusted I have my DH on Depacote, Aricept, and Seroquel! We still have ups and downs but they are not as volatile. If this ‘came out of nowhere’ then you need to let his doctor know that right away. DH could an have underlying infection that is causing this sudden change in behavior.

I have also learned that we need to address our LOs emotions and try to leave facts and explanations out of the conversation. So if your DH is looking for his mom, you might say something like “your mom is a lovely woman. She’s not here right now. And she asked me to come here and do some laundry for you while she is out.” And about your home - he wants assurances he is safe. What I say to mine is - “Hey, I got this! We are here together and we are going to be okay.” Try to meet him in his reality, identify the emotion - sad, scared, in pain, etc - and then figure out how to ease that emotional response.

Hope this helps, at least in the short term. Remember, this disease is merciless and things change when we least expect it! Sending you a big hug! 💝

suvi · August 15

I’m so sorry @JudyT . I’m in a similar boat lately and it’s extremely stressful. I just wanted to add a couple resources that have helped me —Teepa Snow’s videos about loved ones who search for deceased relatives, and also I called the Alzheimer’s Assoc help line and spoke with a very knowledgeable and helpful person. My heart is with you.

jfkoc · August 15

Your loved one is no longer on your page.Realityis diferent from yours.

Learn to hop into his reality to discover what is calming.

tonyac2 · August 16

Some time ago, someone posted that caregiving a LO with dementia is like living in a full-time improv. That’s exactly what this experience is, improvisation.With time, I got very good with improv. It’s part of the landscape, and greatly helps them and you.

DH's cruel and angry outbursts

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