See you at the funeral… Cutting off relationships.

I understand that people don't know what say. They want to tell you about what they have been doing like life is normal but all we know and have is this disease. I went to store and delt with Alzheimer's, I did dishes and dealt with Alzheimer's. Not much of a conversation. No one wants to deal with Alzheimer's but some of us have to and it would be nice if others understood and supported but they never will. This is taking my wife and has taken almost every other relationship friend and family that mattered to me. I will start new when this is over if I can. I am fantasizing about a new life with new people in it that I don't know now because the old relationships will never be the same. I have one son and daughter in law that have stayed in touch and regularly visit and call. I know you shouldn't have favorite kids but he has been there when the other haven't. He has become my favorite. He shows he cares.

You are not alone in this. I think I have one family member who is there for us. I honestly can not believe how the others are avoiding us. Most of my friends are keeping their distance. I don't need to cut off any relationships as they are mostly cut off already. As for a funeral I am not sure how I will handle that. I can't see having a funeral that no one will attend. I am considering a celebration of life event that involves eating and drinking. I am thankful that I have a few neighbors who are empathetic and seem to understand how hard this is for me and for my spouse. They are the people who ask me how I am doing and I feel comfortable asking them for help. I try to be a good neighbor myself and have done a lot of volunteer work in the community over the years.

We've been on this Alzehimer's journey for a lot of years. In the beginning, I talked to our friends and asked if they would stop by and visit him. Some declined outright and others just walked away. One said that her husband's sister had had it and her husband cannot deal with visiting anyone else with it. At that time, I belonged to an early morning Bible Study group and I literally begged the men in attendance to visit my husband, their friend, who had been a member of the church for over fifty years and who sang in the choir and ushered and was on the board of Elders. Silence. Finally, a group of four guys came over a couple of times and then stopped because DH had a hard time knowing who they were and they didn't know what to do. Another fellow took him out to lunch twice and then said he couldn't do it anymore. Finally, a couple who we had known for years called and invited us to play cards. She said their brother-in-law had had Alzeimer's and they understood how hard it is. This couple was a Godsend! We played cards with them every couple of weeks until DH couldn't do it anymore. They were always kind and patient with him. Also, we have four children and one of our sons does not visit his dad in MC except maybe once a year. He says he wants to remember him the way he was and it hurts him to see him the way he is. Another son, who lives across the country, always visits his dad and comes as often as he can. Our daughter, who also lives across the country, has been a tremendous help. Our oldest son, also across the country, comes when he can and helps me out around the house. He may or may not go see his dad. I try not to judge them harshly but it hurts. Something that helped me was Bill's article entitled, "The Cavelry's not coming." It is on this forum somewhere and I highly recommend you read it. In the end, I have to choose how to respond to the seeming indifference. I can become bitter or I can ask God's help to forgive and get on with my life. My DH still knows me and for that I am grateful. We hold hands a lot when I visit him and I always try to let him know how much he is loved and cherished. In the end, that is all I can do.

Brenda